Showing posts with label teh funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label teh funny. Show all posts

Monday, July 19, 2010

Hah! The Internets says I are geeeenyus righter!

I took the first three paragraphs of an actual finished story that I wrote from beginning to end, all by my own lonesome, and I stuck it in a thingy on the Web that computes the skill of the writing that is contained therein.  And these results were mine:


I write like
Vladimir Nabokov
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Dialogue?  Yeah, I gotta try some dialogue.  The results:


I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

You see that? I are teh awsum. Burn thine inferior printed materials and harken unto this blog!

The Nightfly: Algorithm approved since Monday afternoon!

So what if I'm not appreciated? You know who else wasn't appreciated? HERMAN F'K'N MELLVILLE, that's who. And I can do action sequences, too.


I write like
Dan Brown
I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

MUA-Hahahahaa...aa....  ...  Awwwwwwwww.

Via Spleenville.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Internet giveth, gummint seeks to take away

More Internetty Goodness from the great Iowahawk.
It's the middle of the day on a deserted Washington street. You're on your way to a reelection fund raising brunch. Suddenly a gang of crazed camera-wielding teabaggers jump out from the alley and lunge at you with their razor-sharp switchblade questions!

Would YOU know WHAT TO DO?
Oh, Internet, you treat me so nice.  Let's not ever fight.
 
Uhm, wait - WHAT?
The federal government would have “absolute power” to shut down the Internet under the terms of a new US Senate bill being pushed by Joe Lieberman, legislation which would hand President Obama a figurative “kill switch” to seize control of the world wide web in response to a Homeland Security directive.
Honestly, I don't think that's Lieberman's intent; it's probably similar to the old "Emergency Broadcast System" where a central authority pops onto all TVs everywhere to tell you the Russkies have thrown the button down.  Or at least that's what he is thinking of.

And yet... it's a different world.  The Internet, as corporate as some corners have gotten, is still quite wide-open.  Anyone can grab a little free server space and hang up a cyber-shingle.  Getting even moderately known usually means ads or paying for bandwidth or fancy online publishing, but that comes later, and compared to something like running a radio/TV station or newspaper, it's shockingly cheap.  It's the most democratic medium in the world today, on a reach-per-dollar basis it gives incredible power to the common citizen.

Well, lately some elected sorts are quite down on the idea that common citizens have the Constitutional right to peaceably assemble and redress their governement for wrongs - as Etheridge has demonstrated.  How dare the little people exercise their rights!  How dare video footage of my bad behavior be made public!

And that's the worry here.  Even five years ago the only way for this to be widely-seen would be to submit the footage to the local network affiliate and hope it got picked up.  No more.  Now everyone on the street potentially has a flip-camera or a 5-megapixel cameraphone... I can take something the size of a pack of cards out of my pocket, capture the moment in full-HD and sound, and before the cops have even arrived, the clip is on a public forum where anyone can see it for themselves.  And those people increasingly have the affordable means to see that clip anywhere they are - not stuck in their house on a desk-based PC, but while out for coffee or waiting for a train or eating lunch.  And if they happen not to be online, that's ok, because some of them have set it up so their favorite websites buzz their phones when something new goes up.  They don't have to stumble across it, they get told.  They are their own big-paper editors, with the city desk buzzing in hot scoops they can run with.  Stop the presses! Life is a forties noir cliche.

All the faux grassroots activism the left was talking about when they were centrally-organizing busloads of protestors to hassle the President, get out the vote, agitate for something-or-other.... it was mostly a flop, wasn't it?  This is different, though.  This is a game-changer: not imposed from above or without, but true independent action rising from within, taking shape, and people are using it to rally themselves to the ideas they like, and to reject those they are ordered to believe by their self-appointed betters.

Lieberman may well not realize it, but others do.  They're desperate for a way to stuff the information toothpaste back into pre-approved tubes, rationed out at their pleasure.  They already regard tax-cutting protests, fiscal conservatives, pro-lifers, and small-government movements as more or a terrorist threat than actual blow-you-to-bits terrorists; they say so out loud. It's plain that all that "dissent is patriotic" and "question authority" stuff they love is a lie - they only like it when they're the questioning dissenters.  They have no real interest in advancing the debate, in freedom of speech (which is really freedom of thought), in the marketplace of ideas, or in a free people making their own choices.

They used the RICO statutes against pro-lifers, they use shakedown and blackmail techniques against private enterprise, they cry racism at every attempt to enforce the borders or control entitlement spending programs.  They assume the authority to intrude into ever-more-trivial aspects of our everyday lives.  If something like Lieberman's bill ever passes, they will use it on the rest of us.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Spam in the place where you blog

The latest trick for the spambots is to snag some bits of a legit article from a web page, run it through Google's translator a few times, and then post it with links to the usual suspects.  This one, in Joe Posnanski's comments section (probably gone by the time you click this thread) was a winner:

...in Wednesday night’s game, Blackhawks wachovia center 3-2. “We have read this story,” Chris Pronger defenseman said. . But in this case just support him and make sure he’s feeling good about Chanel Bracelets.
Note that this came out several hours before Game Six.  Philly, go support him!  Make sure he's feeling good about bracelets.

(Cut to 17,500 screaming Philadelphians yelling, "Prong-er's Brace-lets!" *clap clap clap-clap-clap*)

But, yeah - Strasburg.  Fourteen whiffs, no walks, seven innings. Kid's stupid good. Apparently they pulled him after seven innings so he could go to the Gulf and plug the oil leak with a well-placed slider. (His fastball would have just cracked the Earth open and caused a volcano.)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Breaking: Area Man Has Perfect Workday

Westchester, NY - Robert Smith was not expecting to have a good day at the office, and he was right.  Instead, it was perfect.

Smith, 24, became the 20th person to have a perfect day at work, retiring a disgruntled customer on the phone at 4:58 pm and successfully clocking out without a single complaint or error.

"He got into a zone and just wouldn't let up," said his division manager, Leslie Jones.  "Bobby's still young, but we've always believed in him."

Amalgamated Consolidated, Ltd., hired Smith fresh from USC in 2006, during the sixth round of interviews, to replace retiring veteran Steve Winkler.  "I didn't know much about the East Coast," said a jubilant Smith.  "I was expecting people to be jerks out here, but everyone's really been great."

One of his coworkers doused him with a shaving cream pie at that point.

Smith, who was born in Oakland, was involved in a minor controversy a few weeks ago when pro ballplayer Alex Rodriguez cut across his lawn while jogging one Saturday.  Smith was trying to mow it at the time.

"Yeah, I just moved, I haven't hired anyone yet, and here comes this dude just cutting through," said Smith, who owns a corner lot.  "I might have to plant some hedges or put up a fence."

"Who?" A-Rod said when told of Smith's perfect workday.

Smith dodged trouble early when his immediate supervisor, Oscar Ruiz, cancelled a budget meeting just minutes before it was scheduled.  Then Amalgamated scored bagels and coffee off of the Westchester Beverage Service's starting sales rep, Pat Miller, and Smith settled into a groove.  His perfect day was never seriously threatened after that.

Smith retired fourteen clients on emails, nine on phone calls, and only needed four face-to-face consultations.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Having a gayer-than-thou attitude..

Update: I really need to get out more.

...in sports.

Three bisexual men filed a lawsuit in Seattle, Washington against the North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance (NAGAAA) claiming they were discriminated against for not being gay enough to participate in the organization's Gay Softball World Series, The Seattle Times reported Tuesday evening.

The three men who filed the suit, Steven Apilado, LaRon Charles and Jon Russ, claim their softball team, D2, was disqualified from participating in the softball championship because the alliance ruled they were "nongay."

I don't even want to think about the kind of evaluations needed in order to determine if you are gay enough to play in the Gay Softball World Series.

But wait, there's more! In politics.

Veteran Rep. Babette Josephs (D., Phila.) last Thursday accused her primary opponent, Gregg Kravitz, of pretending to be bisexual in order to pander to lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender voters, a powerful bloc in the district.

"I outed him as a straight person," Josephs said during a fund-raiser at the Black Sheep Pub & Restaurant, as some in the audience gasped or laughed, "and now he goes around telling people, quote, 'I swing both ways.' That's quite a respectful way to talk about sexuality. This guy's a gem."

Kravitz, 29, said that he is sexually attracted to both men and women and called Josephs' comments offensive.

A straight guy pretending to be bi? What would Rock Hudson think of that? Maybe I am a male lesbian, a woman attracted to other women, but trapped in a man's body.

I really need to get out more.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

I am loving this blog so hard right now

If you're a fan of a hard-luck sports franchise, you get completely crazy (see: all New York sports teams) or develop a darned good sense of humor.  Lately, the Isles fans are going the wrong way... witness this spectacular nitwittery in the (400+ and counting) comments, most of them ready to toss GM Garth Snow under the Zamboni for getting a low second-round pick for Andy Sutton.

Dudes... the guy is turning 36 next year, makes $3 million, and will probably leave as a free agent after the year.  Did you expect that Sid Crosby was coming back the other way?  I hate that so many of my fellow fans have decided to turn into typical "Louie from the Bronx" WFAN caller types.  Get down off the ledge, guys, woncha?

As an antidote I hang out over at Down Goes Brown.  The draft advertisement post alone is worth your repeated clickage.  ("Customers who viewed this item also viewed: Pylon, Turnstile, Wasted Money..."  HAHAHAHAHAHA)

And BTW, Isles Point Blank is also on the Pantheon, and Chris Botta, who is Lord of the IPB, is very very good.  No beef with him (even if he does spike my comments on occasion!).  It's my fellow combox jockeys who need to get back on their meds.

update and BWAHAHAHAHA - from Greg Wyshynski (Puck Daddy), the Milbury Trade Scale.  Never has mental scarring from epic failure been this amusing!

Friday, January 08, 2010

First entry for Line of the Year

From Matthew Archbold of the Creative Minority Report:
Secular progressives won't tolerate any mention of Christianity in public. In short, Jesus is the new smoking. And the fear of secondhand Jesus is even more intense than the pungency of nicotine in a restaurant.
"Fear of secondhand Jesus" is pure win.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Clone cars

I was glancing through this slideshow and, when I saw Honda's P-NUT concept car, I felt something... a presence I'd not felt since...





It's a trap! We can't repel mileage of that magnitude!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

I don't see you guys rating the kind of mate I'm contemplating

One night in Bangkok Calcutta makes the hard guys humble.

A leading French chess player turned up drunk and dozed off after just 11 moves in an international tournament in Kolkata, losing the round on technical grounds, domestic media reported Friday.
"Technical grounds" means that he fell asleep at the table and his clock ran out. He later protested because his opponent had fourteen giant pink rooks that floated off the chessboard and circled the room in defiance of the rules of chess.

John Daly was unavailable for comment.

Don't tell Sheila

Much to her chagrin, Hollywood may actually do this someday. The blood across the journal is strangely, shockingly apt - and very wrong.

(Sheila's original post on the book, btw, for reference.)

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Everybody flirts... everybody fails...

...sometimes.

Kate's story, linked above, took me right back to college. I was rolling along in a campus bus, minding my own business, and there was quite a lovely lass sitting across from me. Now, understand that this is Rutgers, 40,000 or so undergrads, so there are lovely lasses wandering about everywhere - but this was quite a lovely lass. So, ever the charming goofball, I smiled. She smiled back. It was as far beyond my smile as the summer sun is beyond a match in the wind. But hey, strike another match, right? Smiled back, sort of abashed, but still smiled.

So this goes on for a minute or two, until the bus reaches her stop. She gets up, crosses over to me before getting off - leans over to whisper in my ear (!!!!)...

"Lose the hat."

Then she was gone forever.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Welcome diversion

British Cashier Dude: “Oy, royte, ah diggy hullton shimmy shammy brettfavre jubba meself! Zimmeh fahhah gibbo muffip fob uppim inna choppywebbin! Zjibba, royte?! Ruggles qwerty vussincrispin, so at the end of the day, ya need a drink.”

Did I ever need a laugh! Thanks Rachl Lukis.

Friday, January 30, 2009

You know the old saying...

When in doubt, link Iowahawk.

"The tawny kitten writhes before the white snake." - Mulleti

The journey of five hundred miles begins when you wake up, and you know who you wanna be, and you wanna be the man who wakes up next to her.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Idiodessy

You wanted a muse of fire to ascend the very heaven of invention? You got him. Iowahawk has spoken.
Fair Obamacles, favored of the gods, ascends to Olympus
Amidst lusty tributes and the strumming lyres of Media;
...
Who is this man, so bronzed in countenance,
So skilled of TelePrompter, clean and articulate
Whose ears like a stately urn’s protrude?


We all may as well retire from blogging right now.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Sylar the goalie

His power is stopping your shots...

Uh, has anyone seen Domenick Hasek lately?
And eating your braaaaaaiiins!

Well, actually, it's Joey MacDonald of the Islanders. This picture is from a couple seasons ago - he'd just left the Red Wings to join the Bruins. Hopefully he didn't kill a goalie at each stop to gain their abilities.

What, you think Brodeur, Luongo, and DiPietro are just injured?

(picture from Chris Botta's Islanders Point Blank blog)

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

I'm not a very good person to ask

SarahK says that Cadet Happy (photoshopper to the stars) sent her an email asking for advice. I've got nothing - except to be careful what you say if you choose to say anything.

For example, I am the sort of annoying chap who greets folks, and companions, and occasionally dogs and horses, and lots of other stuff I drive past on the road, even if it isn't technically alive. Also, I am apparently still five years old, because I can't stop mooing at cows when I see them from my car. I even do this stuff in front of my wife, poor lady.

This can get you some odd looks, and if that were all, it would be enough for some; I blunder on even when the stakes get higher. A couple of months ago I pulled into a drive-through on the way home from working late, and gave my order, and pulled around to hand in my money. Through the window, I spied a young man and his pre-toddler child at the front counter, waiting for their own order. Reflexively I chirped, "Hello baby!" though they hadn't a prayer of hearing or responding.

And that's when the comely teenaged lass working the drive-through window rose up into view, looking at me with a cool bemusement.

I cannot emphasize enough, that window was completely empty when I spoke. I figured whomever it was had stepped away for a moment, and not once did I consider that the voice I heard might have come out of someone who would overhear the stupid things that tumble out of my mouth.

Helplessly I pointed at the counter behind her. Really I thought I was doomed. Would she toss a shake at me? Would the manager get involved? Would twelve cop cars roar into the lot? I guess I look far more like a doofus who talks to random infants than a middle-aged weirdo who propositions high schoolers at the drive-through. She looked back, looked down at me, and went about filling my beverage while I burned with shame.

"Thanks," I said as she handed over my order, trying hard to look chastened.

"Have a nice night, baby," she replied.

So watch what you say to the parrot!

UPDATE - regarding Joel's comment - don't worry, bro, we know your heart's in the right place.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

SNOW!!!!!

Snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow

Do I look like Santa like this?  Huh, Dad?  Huh? Huh? Huh?
snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow...

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

And now, this holiday message.

and futbal, kthxbai

Picture courtesy I Can Has Cheezburger, because I give thanks for cats and funny pictures.

I hope that you all are spending today with people you love!

[originally posted last Thanksgiving. I'm too sleepy to write anything new, and I haven't even eaten any turkey yet - nf]

Monday, November 17, 2008

The man knows how to hit the spot

REAGAN, BACK FROM THE DEAD, EATS BIN LADEN AND CRAPS TAX CUT

So quoth Lileks. I'm surprised I missed this at the time (it came out last Monday). There's much more to it than the Onion-worthy headline, however. The stinger is particularly good, but I won't spoil it by quoting it... ya just gotta read the whole thing.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Hey, waitaminnit!

Funny lolcat from a few days ago.

can u spelz plagiarism?

One of mine. This makes two (huzzah) - except for a small technicality. What you see, above, is actually over a year old, done in the pre-profile-saving days. (Luckily, I email myself on these things.) The one that popped up on Oct 13 is here. You'll notice a subtle difference in teh capshun.

So, am I funny, or just early?