Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Simon Cowell cures global warming... dropping one of the coldest lines in history on Idol last night.

I'd just finished my game and the Ladybug and I were hanging out in the lounge area at the rink while I stowed my gear, and we watched with the guy at the counter and about fifteen other players and fans (all family, naturally). Simon is a great heel - it's part of the fun to watch him hammer the clueless and talent-free, and he plays well to that, but last night he went wayyyyy across the line with the girl with Crystal Gayle hair:

He smiled, chatted her up, asked her to bring in her mom (similar hair), and had her stand by her side while she sang - hands folded, sort of quiet and choir-solo-ish. This was simply a sweet girl who likes to sing and wanted to try it.

"It looks like your mom really liked it."
"That's understandable... it was an audition that only a mother could like."

Holy hell. That's just brutal - not only the line itself, but setting it up the way he did and then casually tossing the line off, with her mother standing right there. WTF, Simon? She didn't have any wiggle or jiggle so you could bully her?

She bawled outside. I mean bawled, and not that half-phony "How dare they not swoon before my demented greatness, all my cats love me!" sort of crying, with one eye on the camera. (Her dad was great, by the way, consoling her. She'll be fine if her family really is as on-the-ball as they seemed.)

There was some good fun to be had.
  • Paula was on her meds the first half of the show (and then was not there the second, for a "family function" - read "sleeping it off");
  • We got Jamie Lynn Ward - the second she appeared I started chanting "Pick-LER! Pick-LER!" even before we got her backstory. If she didn't swallow her own tongue during the audition she was going through. You'd be better off betting against gravity.
  • Brandy turned in such a lousy performance that Simon followed her out to tell her again that she sucked. This also led to the best exchange of the night, after she claimed the wood floor made her sound bad:
Randy: Try singing on the carpet instead.
[No improvement.]
NF: I guess the rug's made of wood, too.
Teammate: Dude, it's her voice that's made of wood.

That broke up the whole room. Still... Simon's cutdown is sitting ugly in my gut. I mean, whiskey tango foxtrot...

(For more on the show, this is your must-read.)

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