Not so fast

Andrea Harris has a favorite stop of mine in blogworld.  (You can see her off to the side there in the Pantheon.)  This post of hers, about tourists having mental meltdowns when their real trip abroad destroys their romantic notions of the destination, brought brought out a comment that is making me scratch my head a bit:

Pity they didn’t bother to read about Paris (especially material not put out by the travel industry) rather than rely on a medium intended and designed to transmit lies.

I object to this, and I will explain why.  (At length - lucky you!)  Movies are not a medium intended and designed to transmit lies, any more than television, or novels, or plays, or art, or video games. All these are media intended and designed to transmit IDEAS or STORIES. Some of those may well be outright lies; some of those are excellently-crafted. There are also truthful stories, and beautiful ideas, and nobility and kindness and grandeur.

Since images and feelings are more immediate, most art aims for those instead of thoughts. No argument on that point. I do think that to simply call the whole thing "lies" by design is to miss the point, however. One of the earliest moving pictures was in fact used to truthfully answer a question: does a horse pick all four feet off the ground at once while galloping? (Turns out that they do.)

Look - I'm a storyteller by nature, if not by profession.  (And there's a long post brewing about that conflict: stay tuned.)  This is my passion.  I would be willing to go on a limb and say that for most creative community, that passion is a primary motivation.  They have turned that passion into a job.

Once you turn a passion into a means of commerce, things change.  As long as I'm just writing, I can just write.  Once I am also selling, then the writing has to meet the demands of those to whom I wish to sell.  It's a dilution - not much of one, since an audience wants a compelling story above all, and storytellers are nothing if not compelled.  Still, they may have no taste for the story struggling to free itself from my mind.  At that point it's the old familiar choice: give 'em what they want or say what I need to say?

Here's the thing, though: that tension exists in EVERY business.  Some people's passion is food.  They become amazing chefs.  They also have to consider: will people pay money to eat this?  How much?  Again, the dilution is slight.  People want great food, chefs want to cook great food.  But people can scarcely afford $100 meals every night, not in great enough numbers to keep the chefs themselves fed.  So ingredients are swapped, flavors change, and viola - Chili's.  Or Wendy's.

I won't pretend that line cooks at a chain restaurant give two shakes of a rat's patoot about Great Food in the abstract, but they care at least about how the particular food they're actually cooking, that it should be done properly and please the customers.  And the people who develop the menus care much more about that abstract, the ideal of flavors.  Even Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy's, cared a great deal about it, even if it was just burgers and fries.  He may not have been a chef on the par of a Gordon Ramsay or Julia Child, but he cared.  He had to.  Ultimately, if you make too many changes for commerce - too much dilution - then one loses both the passion and the commerce.

You will find the same tension in every walk of life: in education, in politics, in construction, in sports.  There is a perfect ideal, that drives everyone with a passion, and then there is the economic reality.  It would cost too much to make every teacher an Ivy League-quality professor (and not every one of them could be, anyway), though the children would benefit.  It costs money to campaign, money to run a government - too much to run unelectable candidates no matter how great they may be at governing.  Should my house get obliterated by meteorites or something, it would cost twice as much to construct the way it was originally built vs. using modern materials like sheetrock.  And the greatest players in the world command a great deal of money, more than any one franchise could pay (even the Yankees or Red Sox); so they make do with affordable players rather than pursue the perfect ideal of 162-0.

Yet those ideals exist.  Those passions are real.  Every teacher wants to teach as well as possible, every politician hopes to govern, every housebuilder (and homeowner!) wants the home to endure, and every team wants to win every game, or at least their league's chamionship.  Without those ideals, that passion, there would be no point in even starting.

That's why I say again that filmmaking is about ideas and stories, not lies.  Based on some of the loopier things that movie-folk say and do, it's easy to believe that Hollywood is full of narcissists who dictate What is Acceptable to the rest of us, when in fact they are full of crap.  There is some justice in the claim, perhaps, in certain examples.  Certainly Tim Robbins and Sean Penn have done more than their share of loopy lefty proselytizing.  But they didn't become actors to be able to dictate What is Acceptable, they did it because their passion is in the stories they tell.  Those who have lost that passion are usually the worst at their profession, and again, this holds across all walks of life.

Not surprisingly, when singers and athletes and kindergarten teachers also lose that passion, they become fairly useless in their fields as well.  That doesn't mean that music, sports, and knowledge itself is intended and designed only to convey lies, does it?

(Funny how this comes up when I'm working on a story that indirectly touches this idea - that of the storyteller as a professional liar.  Reality keeps anticipating me.  Bad reality!  No cookie!)

Thanks XKCD!

Randall Munroe is a funny guy, but his latest is kind of a kick in the head the day after finally going out and buying one of the darned things.

To answer his bafflement - LCD monitor notwithdtanding, an HDTV beats the stuffings out of the poor, pixelly look of our old box, especially when watching the Lord's Own Playoff Hockey.  And good luck gathering 25 people around your cell phone for the Super Bowl.

Jump, Jive, and Fail

Haven't done any television in a while, have we?  Cool the water and here we go - Dancing With the Stars, seminfinal edition:

Background - Ladybug and I have rooted for Kelly Osborne for several weeks now: she's endearing.  Think about being the daughter of rock n' roll's Prince of Darkness, raised on the road, winding up on reality TV and an easy target for vicious tabloids, and getting into and out of drugs and such...  She could be sharing a suite in oblivion with Lindsey Lohan.  Instead she's kind of girl-next-door with an edge.  However, we are done done done with Donny Osmond.  He's not objectionable but he's not the dancer the other three are.  And there's something vaguely annoying about him - it's like he's aggressively nice; it reminds me of every mean snippy thing I've ever done.  "Donny Osmond wouldn't yell at the dog."

He isn't helping himself by cracking that it's tough being around so much estrogen.  I know he's joking - he's the only male left in the final four, and frankly having Aaron Carter around last week doesn't tip the scales all that much.  (Donny Osmond wouldn't have made that crack.)  I just think he came across poorly.  A guy finishing last in the judges' scores every week can't afford to cheese off the audience.

OK, uhm... wow.  Dancing With the Stars has been brought to you today by the letters T, A, and the number 9.

Alicia Keys performing: she's great, as long as you only listen.  The dancing really annoys me.  But that's nothing compared to the "Under Pressure" montage, which was forty times worse.  Even if they didn't care about poor Freddie (RIP), they'd realize that David Bowie is still alive to get mad at them.

I realize it's a dancing competition.  (Simon Cowell - "This is a dancing competition.  Sowry.")  Still, most of the bits that go with the songs on results night are useless.  Last week's gorgeous performance during Susan Boyle's song stands out as a superb exception.

Mýa is through to the finals.  No shock.  Donny (durn it) is also in.  At least he's not wearing the shiny suit from last night - he looked like a neon watermelon.  It's down to Kelly and Joanna, and it's a shame that one has to go early.  First, the Brothers Gibb.  I daresay they will do better by poor Maurice Gibb (RIP) than the show did by Freddie Mercury.

They're mostly up to it after all these years.  Barry's having a little trouble holding the falsetto notes but he is reaching them.  This is priceless just for the shot of Ozzie and Sharon Osborne in the audience, dancing to "You Should Be Dancing."

Well, here we go...  and.... WOW, Kelly is through.  Joanna is out.  Ladybug feels badly for Derek Hough, Joanna's partner, who is consistently great (well, except for that stupid boy-band song he 'sang' a few weeks ago).

Clamorous! AI season eight finale

Not a recap like normal - SarahK and Tracey have a joint effort on that front - but general impressions from watching.

(Speaking of Tracey and watching - I hear tell that the Beefy Peach won Dancing with the Stars. Congrats, Tracey!)

Adam and Kris with a K (otherwise known as Hal Sparks Jr.), all in white, like the Davids from last season's finale. Then, all the thirteen in white. Ha, even Matt's ubiquitous fedora is white. They look like Kryptonians from the opening of the first Superman movie with Brando. (Hopefully the Phantom Zone will come down and swoop off with Kara.) They all wanna start fight. I think this is a bad idea. Mike Sarver could take the other twelve by himself, I think.

NF: Who's that?
LB: Who?
NF: Pause it. THAT guy, with the curly hair.
LB: That's the first guy sent home.
NF: Oh, yeahhhh.... Whassisface. I didn't even recognize him.

Nice to see Alexa Grace getting so much camera time, considering that she went about five weeks too early.

Hey, that was Carly Smithson? Darn. We skipped the hometown stuff on DVR because normally the hosts are completely intolerable. My bad, folks.

David Cook! My wife is quite pleased. If he formed an Idol supergroup with Bo Bice and Chris Daughtry, we'd pretty much have to follow them around on tours, like Deadheads. "Permanent," a fine song. Why can't Idol write singles like this?

Oh, the Idol Awards.... Hey, it's Pippa's little brother! Wow, some of this was so painful. I'd forgotten most of these dudes. Wild plaid jacket, dude. "American Idol - so easy, a caveman could sing it." And, the mortal lock of this segment, Nick Mitchell. Who is in the audience. Who "isn't prepared." Who immediately strips down to the Normal Gentle getup and rocks out. Actually, he's pretty funny with all of this. I didn't hate it. All is forgiven, Nick. I'm sorry I've been so horrid in the past. HAHAHAHAHA Ryan's got his red headband and giant glasses. Love it. I could totally see this as Ryan's actual sophomore year photo from gym class, in a good way.

Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah... we love the Queen around these parts. Her whole career is pretty much a "Good for her!" from the rapping to the jazz album to the acting to the Maybelline spots to being true to herself. She just seems like a decent, cool woman who just happens to be famous and talented. By the way, the Queen is demolishing Lil here. You can barely hear Lil at all when they go together - maybe she's just mouthing the words now. Poor Lil.

Kris with a K, with Keith Urban... with a K. Or something. It's good.

LB - you know, I actually would be good with either of these guys winning.

For the record - this is HUGE. My wife was a big-time Adam fan, still is, but Hal Sparks Jr. (Ladybug picked up the resemblance) opened the door just a crack... and now he's gone and kicked it down with a winning smile and open-mic vibe. And my wife has much better instincts for this sort of thing. She's always picking out Idols and Hell's Kitchen winners and Next Top Models weeks ahead of time.

Fergie comes out. She's a big girl, who doesn't cry. It's all the Black-Eyed Peas, actually. They're singing - what? Uhm... Hey, nice logo, AI. For fifteen seconds. Way too long just for a cuss word. Someone must have accidentally been flashing the goods to America or something. Or maybe it was those freaky Mummenshantz dudes in the background. They are CREEPY, people. Like the Autons or something. Fail.

Another award - Best Attitude. Alexis Cohen! "Take it! Take it! Take it! I'm going in for actressing!" They should give her this award just for last season's audition. Nope, they give it to Bikini Girl, who was frankly much more annoying than attitudinous. (It is too a word.) Gee, will she be out in a bikini? Of course! And hey, she's had some work done in a predictable place. Looks dreadful. Ladybug turns to me to ask, in horror, "Do guys really like how that looks, when they're that far apart?"

Ryan: "I was going to ask what's new, but I think I can tell." BWAHAHAHA! He is really a great host, especially for a show like this. You almost don't notice everything he brings to the table. Kara comes out to sing the song she destroyed in auditions, and rocks it completely. At least Bikini Girl's jaw is slack. Kara ends by rocking a bikini herself, which could have been a dreadful backfire, but it works. Bikini Girl is completely vanquished. Well played, Ms. dioGuardi.

Alison in a duet. Don't recognize her, missed the announcement out of the room.

LB - [incredulous] CYNDI LAUPER.
NF - oh, yeah. She acts like her, doesn't she?

Forgettable performance. We also skip most of Danny with Lionel Richie, who is dressed like an old, discount Neo. Adam fulfills his glam rock destiny by performing with both KISS and Queen on the same night. Very good, of course. Kris held his own during the Queen bit, dueting with Adam on "We Are the Champions."

Next, a comedian who loves music. No lie, I guessed Steve Martin before he came out with the banjo. One point for me. I heart Steve Martin. Hey, he wrote that song - great. Not surprising, because he is terrific and talented and his "Born Standing Up" memoir is tremendous. Again, why can't Idol have anything nearly that good as that song? "I know it's a long shot, but I hope I win," he says. Heh. I wouldn't protest.

It's Tatiana del Toro winning the last Idol Award, and doing a whole bit with eluding security and singing "Saving All My Love for You" while being chased around stage. All the most annoying people of the show are either getting a little rehab or a severe comeuppance, and I couldn't be more delighted. This is turning out to be a really solid show tonight.

One hundred million votes cast for this. Ye cats. And your American Idol is.... KRIS ALLEN! Winnah, winnah, chicken dinnah. Fireworks in Conway, Ark. They give him a fifties-style microphone trophy, which he can keep on the dashboard of his new Ford Hybrid.

LB - Hey, they gave him a trophy. Do all the other Idols get them now, too?
NF - I think they have to settle for having money, fame, and a career.
LB - You know, I'm really happy for Kris. Adam didn't really need to win Idol to have a career, he just had to do well on the show. Kris did.

That's it for the show until next January - but hopefully, you'll hear more from me here on the blog before then. Just super busy lately. But I haven't forgotten you!

Slash, crash, and burn - AI week of four

Part of the set fell in near the Coke Stools, so Ryan tells us that the contestants haven't had their dry run before the show proper. They're going straight into it, y'all. Each contestant will sing one song rather than two, and there will be two duets. Twenty bucks says that the Carly Smithson/Mike Johns connection gave them the idea. Hope it works out. One point gained already - with six songs total instead of eight, we'll actually hear more than 83 seconds of each song tonight. I'm wondering if Adam and whomever will try "Under Pressure," just so Adam can fulfill his destiny.

Slash mentored, because it's rock week. I think it was lame that neither AI nor Slash himself mentioned that he recorded a song with Chris Daughtry for his album. (Arguably the best song on the whole LP.) I do like that the rehearsal was with Slash and his band backing the Idols in a club. Good stuff.

Adam and Allison will be one duet, Danny and Kris with a K the other. Adam will solo first. Be advised, he has something to prove tonight, and it's rock week. I don't see anybody getting too close. He's doing Led Zeppelin, "Whole Lotta Love." Uhm... wow. Lots of plain old obvious single entendres. And Adam is not exactly Mr. Subtlety. I'd have thought they would make him sing something else. It's not like he can't pull off Plant's banshee wailing, but why not "Heartbreaker" or "Immigrant Song" or "The Ocean" or, well... anything else?

Lord Emo power scream aside, it was pretty good, actually, like B+ good. He'll be fine. Kara calls him a rock god. She's dressed like she was just in a Bananarama video. She's babbling about 70's classic rock, 80's glam rock, and Nine Inch Nails. I think Trent Reznor just threw up in his mouth a little. Simon is of the opinion that this is pretty much the high point of the night.

Allison is perched under the Coke Stools, directly below the half-crumbled bit of the set. Good call, AI! Ha, she went to Adam's "hair girl" for her do this week. So many jokes here... She ruins the fun by suggesting that she wants to do Joplin's "Cry Baby" or Jefferson Airplane's "Somebody to Love." Yes to the second, a huge NO to the first. Grace Slick pronounced her words, m'dear. At all costs Allison should be distancing herself from Joplin, not inviting the comparison. And of course, being 17 and all, she went with "Cry Baby." Complete mimicry. It hurts her in comparison with the real thing, and especially following Adam. Kara thought it was a good idea, but everyone else knows better, even Paula. Randy gave her a "keeping it real" and Simon suggested she should have done Queen instead.

The first duet is Danny/Kris, doing "Renegade" by Styx. I saw this live last year at the Basie Theater, by the genuine article. This is pretty good stuff, though. The harmonies are excellent. Enjoyable.

It's the K's turn. He wanted to do "Revolution." (Funny aside - my iPod player at work drops half the songs out on certain tunes; Hendrix, the Doors, and the Beatles are the most common victims. Today I heard what Revolution would have sounded like without George Harrison. It doesn't do that with the earphones or in the car, so I think it's the docking station itself.) At the last moment he wasn't feeling it so he chose "Come Together" instead. He's hilarious during the jam with Slash, who gives him a guitar so he can play with the band. "I'm using Slash's guitar and he's playing right next to me, I almost peed my pants." Hahahaha!

Performance time. I think he's good and all, though it's clearly not his thing. The judges were a little harder on him than he deserved. (Randy liked the guitar playing.) Personally I'd put him above Allison this week - she could have and should have done much more, considering. Kris got more out of himself than she from herself, but he could be in real trouble, and that's a shame.

Danny's turn. He's singing "Dream On." Mistake. Michael Johns was actually good on this last year (though it's the week he went home, it was bogus - he really was being punished for his "Day in the Life" the week before). Plus, there's an omen in the club jam, when Danny can't get on top of that insane high falsetto at the end. Slash says that last wail at the end is super-important...

Oooh. Oh dear oh dear. This is bad. He's pitchy all over and the last wail is more of a screech. Simon calls it a "horror film scream" and that's about it. Ladybug calls it "a valiant effort." I call it the worst of the night. Simon says he thinks he's safe. Not if there's justice.

It's the second duet - Allison and Adam, performing "Slow Ride" by Foghat. (Chortle.) Seemed a lot more like tow soloists than a true duet, though they're very good rockers. Kara says they made each other better and forced each other to raise their game. I got just the opposite: there's just a difference between a duet and two people trying to outdo each other. In retrospect they were wise to avoid the Bowie/Mercury example, because it would just emphasize that difference. Those guys worked for each other, not strove against each other.

Adam calls Allison "his little sister." (Must... not make... obvious joke... must... resist...) The DVR loses Paula and Simon's comments. The crowd chants "top two" at the pair, and that's probably correct but a little misleading - it's more like a Top One and a distant two/three, with an afterthought. The trouble is, I badly fear that the K is the afterthought. Didn't go last, didn't go first, and despite the name spelling, he isn't the last girl. It's classic middle child syndrome. I really think he was the second best tonight, and has the strongest overall body of work this year outside of Adam. Danny should have cost himself the contest tonight, but Kris is in peril.

Stuck in the middle with Q - American Idol round of seven

Movie music, y'all, with Quentin Tarantino as the mentor. I wonder if he vetoed anyone who suggested that they'd sing something they heard in his movies.

The really short version - the judges are only going in pairs, so the contestants will not hear from half of the panel. Stupid idea. It doesn't really matter. In fact this will be a short post because I'm on vacation with my lovely wife and am enjoying myself too much to get too wound over this.

Basically what you need to know is that everyone sang wretched power ballads like "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" and "Everything I Do, I Do for You." Snoreville. Well, Danny's "Endless Love" was good, and I liked Kris with a K, who looks more like Hal Sparks every minute. And then there's Adam, who smoked "Born to Be Wild." Absolutely killed. There's him, and then there's six other people who are just marking time. Poor Lil. I'm in the minority here, since Ladybug thought it was "aight" and so did our friends - but I think Lil was terrible. Way too many pointless runs, and most of it was off-pitch.

Q was kind of wasted. I wanted to see him in the judges' panel, but with not enough time to let everyone talk as it is, well, no chance. Pity. He was terrific in season three.

The judges apparently used the save for Matt. So we re-do the seven next week. Usually this means they split folks up into two sets of three, and let poor number seven pick which trio is safe. I hope they resist the temptation this time.

Tension convention

We've been talking about this over at Tracey's cyber hacienta... and now, it's time for the spam to hit the fan, y'all. Forget fierce: there may be an actual throwdown in the apartment between the models.

Background - Tahlia had a rough week and doubted her place in the Next Top Model competition. She then went out and won the week's photo shoot. Celia, however, waited until they got to the model going home and jumped up to say that Tahlia should be sent home. Smiling faces, sometimes they don't tell the truth.

Tyra called nonsense on it, of course. And speaking of calling nonsense, I call it on the guest coach, Beth Stern, who chirped "You're all winners in my book!" after the challenge. Well, good for your book. Here in reality, only Natalie was the winner. London was a close second, and the rest were awful. Jeepers, girls, you got to pick the pictures you were emulating, and it was still mostly terrible. "Remember the face!" says Mr. Jay. "Give us some face!" Strike a pose, there's nothing to it.

Alison is still my favorite person this week. "I have these big eyes, they're on my face, they're not going away." Heheheheh. She is trying. She recognizes that they are a great gift, but they also hold her back sometimes. her challenge pics are poor.

Hey - Prince has a new album at the Target. Even the commercial sounds completely terrific.

So, yeah, the throwdown: there's so much going on here - starting with Animat saying that she's going to go take care of her business. Of course, it's Tahlia's business, but that isn't stopping Animat any more than it stopped Celia. Alison gets dragged into it, "It reminds me of why I hated high school," she says. "Tahlia makes this speech from the stairs... it's was a little too 'Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul' for me." Ha! I wish she could channel that in the photo shoots. Natalie is unimpressed: "When she's struggling she wants to go home, and when she does well suddenly she wants to stay?" Animat gets into Natalie's face and there's the sublime and ridiculous scene of someone standing inches in front of someone else calling them "Stupid," repeatedly. Missy, that ain't a mirror, you can stop embarrassing yourself now. Take my advice, I'm only trying to school ya...

Oddly, after the near Gorgeous Ladies of Modeling rumble and the challenge, we find Celia and Tahlia chatting like actual adults. Apologies, explanations. Celia is "100% certain" she'll be sent home this week, and that's not unreasonable, unless somebody really collapses in the shoot. Sandra kind of lived down to that mark, I think. So did Alison. And Celia was very good in the shoot. Hm. This is going to be veeeerrrrry innerestern, innit?

So who embodied colors the best, y'all? Aminat did green all right; Natalie was orange, and was kind of, well, round and pumpkinish. Tahlia gets ad hoc fashion advice, and we see her "violet" - looked better in the picture than in real life, they say. They tell her they have to make the photographer catch up with her, not lead her around. Then they have to ask about the late unpleasantness. She's honest about her discomfort, and they're supportive. This is one heck of a show. They're handling this great.

Celia follows. She embodied practical grey, and they liked the picture. Didn't mention last week. Teyona (yeah, sigh) was yellow - Tyra drops a hope and change comment. Yeah, sigh.

London, blue, made the judges feel her color, but in a bad way - they were kind of sad for her. Alison's pink picture impresses the judges, but they all note a lack of range. All the same picture. Please, change things up, they say. Sandra embodied white, and there's a lot of "no power" and other generally blah things to say. Uh-oh. Fo was red, and the judges are quite complimentary. The photographer pays the ultimate compliments to Celia and Fo - couldn't shoot enough of them, wanted more frames.

I think Fo wins the week, and Sandra is in huge trouble, especially after being bottom two last week.

Bing! Fo is your winner. Teyona is second, Tahlia third. Celia is getting hurt by last week already. Aminat is fourth. Alison is fifth. (Those unearthly eyes are going to carry her far.) Celia's picture was certainly better, but Nigel said it in judging - he's finding it hard to even deal with her. Natalie and London are also safe.

Sandra - lovely girl, beautiful pictures... and her second consecutive look at the bottom. Celia, again, good shots and great style, but last week dynamited her career.

Tyra keeps Celia in. "Don't mess with another girl's money," she warns. "I'll be damned if I let anyone do that to one of my girls. Your picture saved you." Consider the boom lowered. If that warning shot had been any closer Celia would be short half a boat. She takes her singed pride and shuffles back to the crowd. Sandra, who was not that great actually, packs up and takes herself off to Delusion Central - I'm the best girl here, I shouldn't be going home. Well, while you're saying that we're looking at all of your pictures from the past five weeks, and yeah, you kind of do deserve it. Boo-bye.

And the pity of it? Sandra eliminated Kortnie (yeah, sigh), who was much the more interesting and pleasant lass, and whose "immigrant" picture was actually pretty good. And she wrote a heartfelt letter to her erstwhile housemates - which was completely ignored this week amid the mass hissy fit.

Impersonating actual talent - AI results, nine to eight

For the actual snark and performances, SarahK is on the case. I'm just too blitzed right now. But here's the results!

First, the commercial - All Mixed Up, but they kind of like it. I kind of don't. Then the group sing, "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. In some alternate universe, the final nine are singing Mixed Up, and the Ford spot is seventeen minutes of parallel parking.

Someone at the Idols is reading the great SarahK, and they have a segment on the behind-the-scenes Idols. Interesting, but much the lightweight version of what Sarah was talking about in her post. Great segment with them goofing on each other, doing corny imitations of their performances. Super Saiyen doing Matt's "Viva La Vida" was pretty darned funny, as was (surprising!) Anoop's impression of Kris singing "."

Now they are splitting the nine into three groups of three: Matt, Megan, Kris with a K; Adam, Lil, and Allison; Scott, Gokay, Anoop. But enough of that excitement - time for David Cook! Sweet skinny black tie. My man. Singing his newest single, "Come Back to Me." Me likey. He played overseas for the troops - brilliant. They just rolled out a plaque for his debut album going platinum. DC - "I put out a solo album in '06 that sold something like 1000 copies in a year." Says he always cries on this stage. Cool guy.

So 36 million more votes have brought us to this. Kris sang "Ain't No Sunshine," and he's safe. Hi fives all around. Matt sang "You Found Me." I'm guessing there's one of the bottom feeders in each of these three groups... I know, now I'm really going out on a stretch. Anyway, Matt's safe, and Kris immediately goes "April Fool's! Go back on stage!"

Megan is snarking Simon: "I love you but I don't care." Well, neither do we, for you. Ryan sends her to the Eggcups, and she caws her way over. Why? Because she hates us too.

Second group. Lil is safe. Allison is not. That was kind of a given, considering that Adam is standing right there, in all his Lordly Emo-ness. He was compared to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. Don't strike me down, but I think the better comparison is Freddy Mercury. The reason they can't do Queen Week anymore is because nobody can keep up with Freddy - his chops are just too righteous. But Adam has both the voice and the absolute over-the-top commitment to the performance. If he does wind up out early, it will only be because he's indulges himself and sings something that leaves the audience befuddled.

Gokay and Scott are both safe. Anoop takes the third Eggcup, as both he and Randy thought would happen.

Erm... somebody with Fisher Price hair and wearing aluminum foil is playing a giant neon bubblegum piano. Her name is Gaga. She's accompanied by a fiddler. It's a numbuh one reh-courd called "Poker Face." When exactly did this become Neptune Idol? I mean, I can't be the only one puzzled here. She looks like Bjork playing Floston's Paradise. Some guy on stage is having a grand mal seizure listening to this. Wait, now there are three other guys in suits having grand mal seizures in unison while Gaga sings. This is one part bizarre performance art, one part Eurotrash synthpop, one part backwoods hick symphony, and the grand total is 100% awful. Ladybug - "This is crap."

The Idols wait. Anyone worth saving, Ryan asks. Simon: "Only one." Really? "Yeah." HAHAHAHA! Then they send Allison back to safety. Now, that total is zero. Annnnnnddddd.... Megan pulls a bizarre fake "Oh noes" face, which I kind of want to punch.

YES! Megan's out. Kaput. Simon spells it out: "You can't pretend to care, and we can't pretend that we're going to save you, so this is your swan song." Someone in the audience caws at her. She sings herself off in front of the judges: Ryan is bobbing, Kara is clapping, Paula is standing and dancing.... and Simon is casually drinking Coke. I love him with all my heart.

Next week, birth year songs. And we can all breathe just a little bit earlier.

Ain't no montage short enough - AI results

Interesting night ahead: 36,000,000 votes, Ruben sings, Smokey duets with Joss Stone – and Megan was so egregious on “For Once in My Life” that Stevie Wonder himself has decided to take up his own cause. THIS is American Idol.

Medley time first. Allison, Lil, and Megan sing “You Keep Me Hanging On.” The producers have a terrific sense of humor: they give Megan the line “Why don’t you get out of my life, and let me make a new start?” Your lips to America’s ears, sunshine. At least she looks like a normal person tonight. There are two other songs, but it’s impossible to care. The choreography and solo spots are snore-causing, and this is from someone who loves the Motown.

Ford Spot – “Pocketful of Sunshine” – let me guess, they’re gonna drive right off into the picture. Didn’t see THAT coming at all! It’s supercalifordspecificexipobviousis.

Ruben is newly married, and geeks out pointing to the ring on camera. He really is a big teddy bear. The singing was quite fine. Hope the results live up to it.

Adam’s first to stand – after the least suspenseful pause of the show’s history, he’s safe and sits. Matt is safe OH SNAP he’s bottom three. I had it all written up the other way. Complete gobsmack, and Matt looks miffed. Kris with a K then gets his chain yanked by Ryan, but is safe.

Up together, Lil and Mike. Lil gets another chance; Mike takes his well-earned spot on the Stools of Shame next to Matt, who is steaming over this. He will have a good while to steam some more while we get through the entertaining portion of the program: Smokey Robinson and Joss Stone. Joss is buttah, friends; that’s a star right there. Hey presto, Smokey still got it. He sounds barely changed from his heyday. Really terrific duet, very well done.

OK, time to look for our final cut. *cough MEGAN cough* Allison is justly safe. Anoop still looks bored and serious, but he gets to sit back down. Super Saiyen is safe. It’s down to Scott and Megan. Both were among my four contenders but I picked Lil, thus saving her. (The Jinx is powering back up after a bit of a rest.) Aw nertz, it’s Scott. Stinkers. I feared this would happen. Megan looks astounded. If Matt is out, I predict the judges will use the save. (I wish that along with a save, the judges had a strikeout, the ability to banish one contestant.) Randy praises Scott. Matt looks like someone kicked his puppy. (I am loving how annoyed he is with sitting on Reject Row.) Ryan decides it’s cruel to keep Scott in suspense so they send him back to safety. Matt and Mike will continue to squirm.

Wonder time. It’s a medley of his own songs: My Cherie Amour, Superstition, Overjoyed, and something newer yet fairly good… All About the Love? Don’t know the title. He’s doing all right (a little shaky on Overjoyed – his songs are even hard for HIM to sing!) –

UNTIL he decided to yelp “I love you Barack Obama!” for no discernible reason.

I daresay that is the Christian attitude and it does him some credit, but dude, for reals – can’t this be apolitical? Can’t anything be free of it? I don’t care if you love him, or Palin, or Rush, or Franken, or the Lord President of Gallifrey. KEEP IT OUT OF THE SONG. Or wear a button or something, if you must. And…. Uhm…. Are the backup singers actually SINGING “Barack Obama” at the end??? Do I have that right? “Ba-rack O-ba-ma…” or it could be “All a-bout the love, a-bout the love.” I dearly hope it’s the latter. I’ve gone back three times and I hate to say it, but it certainly sounds like Barack’s name is in the lyrics. This is preposterous. I hope I’m wrong. Can’t we go half a day without this pferdkaese?

Matt is still ticked off for being down in the low-rent district, but justice finally prevails. Ricky Bobby is out. He now has to sing himself back in with “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg.” It’s time to take Smokey’s advice – this is your last chance with your woman television show. “I have to sing after Stevie?” Heheheheh. I really like this guy. He’s much better during the sing-off, but he still has to bail on a not-all-that-high note. He is also doing an odd funky-dance, which is endearing like the rest but not professional grade. 2½ tops, my brother, and at least you go out on a high.

Simon is saying “no” on the panel – over and over, in fact, because it looks like the ladies are trying to pull a save out of Paula’s kooshy skirt. “It was good enough!” Kara is heard to wail. (It wasn’t.) Ryan – “We’ve got another show after this...” Hahahahaha, even he’s trying to cut off Kara’s rambling. It’s too late, the DVR has stopped.

But HAH, remember, I have married the Ladybug, whose awesome is well-documented. She’s got Kara’s number, and has also recorded the following program (Hell’s Kitchen, as it happens). We miss about 30 seconds but we do hear that Mike is confirmed out. “I don’t feel like anything I’ve done is in vain,” he says on the clip. “You can’t go wrong by getting better at who you are.” Very sweet, and very wise. He also gets to tour, so you know, good on you, Mike Sarver. Class act, indeed.

Welcome to the Motown Sock-Hop! AI top 10

Simon looks happier this week. Maybe it's because it's Motown instead of Country... or he's laughing at Paula's koosh skirt. Me, I'm wary. I'm armed with the collected Greatest Hits of Smokey, Marvin, the Supremes, Stevie, the Temps, and the Tops. Simon, heh, says, "I'm not looking forward to this, exactly." Cautious optimism, that's us. We're like this.

The Idols got to tour Hitsville, where Smokey Robinson and Gordy Berry personally implore them not to slaughter any of their classics. It's an amazing tour - or at least we get to see the most amazing three minutes of it. Smokey says, "Pretty much every Motown song you've heard was recorded in this studio." Allison - "Papa Was a Rolling Stone?" Smokey - "Right in this room."

Well, they certainly have an embarrassment of riches to choose from tonight, so no more "I lost the coin flip" complaints.

Matt's first. "I never imagined I'd play piano for Smokey Robinson," he says. Yeah, my brain would break if I had to do that. He's going after Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On." He starts alone on the piano and then they pick up the tempo and he jumps up to get rockin'. Started very well but it somehow goes a bit sideways with the full accompaniment. Can't quite put my finger on why. Still good, but there are some off notes. (Nor am I a fan of the shirt/tie/v-neck sweater combo.) Randy likes it, Kara says he's solid and coming out of his shell, Paula likes how he doesn't try to overdo the riffing (quite right), but "you're respectful." It's comfy like old blue jeans, she says. Simon - "You are now one of the front runners in this competition." (But he said the middle was a bit corny. It wasn't just me.) I give Matt three out of Four Tops.

The full performances on iTunes this week will be backed by the original Motown instrumental tracks. In other words - KARAOKE. You're kidding. That is slops.

Next, it's Freddie Prinze III Hal Sparks - er, Kris with a K. He's doing "How Sweet it Is to Be Loved By You." The rehearsal snippet is really great. The performance proper channels a lot of the James Taylor cover, from the tempo to the backup singer's Carly Simon harmony. He sounds excellent, though; a little less on the showmanship but better on the vocal than Matt.

K - not Marvin, not JT.
NF - well, more JT than Marvin. But I agree with her a little on the phrasing. (Alas, I forgot to write down what she actually said about the phrasing, only that I agreed with it. Sowry!)
P - great job, good high-A note at the end, or whatever it was. (HAHAHAHAHA)
S - you're competing well, but you need more self-belief, even how you're standing now. You could be at a bus stop. To be a star you need to be conceited. ("Like Simon!" someone chirps.)

I missed Randy's comment, but I don't care right now. Late, tired, DVR is grouchy. No rewind. 3½ tops.

Scott is "going to the baby grand." Is that like Warner Wolf going to the videotape? First, he has to flee the Coke Toadstools. He's just gotta be me, he says. He's going to take risks without losing the piano. He sings "You Can't Hurry Love." Simon normally hates when the singer grabs a song first done by the opposite sex, but Phil Collins covered this effectively. Rehearsal is way slow. Performance starts the same way, on the chorus, and then sets off. He's arranged it... well... was that arrangement or did he just boof the lyric? He smushed half of verse one with half of verse two. It was probably on purpose, but odd. I like the backup singers out there at the piano. Better in the second half than the first.

P - very enjoyable, like what's in my slurppy cup.*
S - thinks it's the wrong song, the piano sounded "honky-tonk." He's heard it "a million billion times." (Sagan Strikes!) "You're better than that," he says wearily. R agrees, K thinks he messed with the melody and didn't execute. I say 2½ tops.

*I mistyped "slurpy" but then decided the extra 'p' was perfect in context.

Scott says he wants to do a piano/voice piece, no other accompaniment. He also had a different song choice but went back to this. It was "Reach Out and Touch." Simon, immediately - "Much better. Should have done that." Paula, frustrated, says Simon is acting like a six-year old and dives under the table for... uhm... Simon is horrified at this turn of events, and Ryan is like "Uh, we can't show this." She comes back up with coloring books and crayons for Simon. (Maybe he can find a crayon the color of poor Scott's pants.) And when we come back - Megan sings Stevie Wonder. Oh $?#&*^(!^%%e#.

When we return, Paula reveals (ewewew- oh wait, just verbally) that she has an arsenal of kid toys in her Koosh Dress. Kara - "Oh, God." Agreed. I just want her to pass the slurppy cup before we deal with this impending Epic Fail. Smokey has heard Megan's rehearsal, and kindly calls her "original." She's singing "For Once in My Life." Oh, merciful heavens. It knew it wasn't illness, she's doing all the same weird overpronouncing and hitting notes in the key of Q. It's like a dentist's drill boring into my skull. Ugly. Painful. And for crying out tears - how can she look and dress like a normal, pretty woman during the rehearsals and then come out on stage looking like that? The whole outfit is tragic - ugly dress, some wooden toy blocks on a necklace (maybe from Paula's stash), a flower in her hair like Lola from the Copacabana. It's like a thrift store exploded and she simply wore what landed on her. And the singing is WORSE. Simon looks like he wants to flee the premises.

R - train wreck, horrible.
K - should have sung "My Guy." This song dominated you.
P - she looks stunning. [To put it kindly.] But she agrees. Says it was confusing; thought she sang it in too low a key, and then it was in too high a key.
S - whomever is advising you, I would fire. You are in serious trouble.

I told you she should have been sent away. Zero tops. Negative tops, even. DO NOT WANT.

Anoop is next, singing (sigh) "Ooh Baby Baby." Smokey - "Can't wait to hear it!" I love it, he's like a kid at Christmas. One of my songs? Wow, awesome! Ladybug - "Smokey hasn't given a single piece of advice yet, and we're on the fifth person. It's all 'I wouldn't change a thing!'" HAHAHAHAHAHA!

We're off. Holy cow, you know, Anoop is actuall reaching these notes. He took the song down to a great key for him, and he is getting on top of all the high tenor stuff. He saved himself last week and he's making it pay off. He even hit that last high falsetto note. Holy cow. This was not teh suq. In fact it was pretty good.

K - only a very few off notes, you have a skill set, push it more, be creative in the melodies.
P - wow it's tough to sing in front of a legend like this.
S - they do it every week.
P - you're not a legend!
NF - he means the mentors, Einstein.

There's more advice I miss because the Official Puppy decides to audition. There was something about needing to be a recording star at the end, not just a competent performer of musicals. 3 tops.

It's Ricky Bobby Time. Mike Sarver is taking "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" to church; he means he's going to sing it off the cuff. Testify! Smokey actually has something to say about that: "You have a big voice - pound it more. Don't be sweet. This is your last chance with your woman." (Mike should just sing one of his songs. It works.) This is kind of eh. In trying to rough up his voice he's losing his way completely. Odd notes, odd phrasing. Not my style. He doesn't have the voice or the range for a song like this.

P - this was kind of Vegas, sorry. (Boos!) This is hard! You need to drive that song. (She's stealing advice from Kara!) The A-notes were all wrong. (HA - this week's Secret Word is "A-notes." Take a shot!)
S - you can't win with a vocal like that. I couldn't wait for it to end. Forget that rubbish about dominating the songs, just pick something that works for you and sing.
R -not the right song. You're not really an R & B guy. Tried to do too much with it.
K - we need artistry; what can you bring of yourself to the song?

Ricky Bobby isn't tore up about it - "I can turn arown and sang," he says. It's his thing, do what he wanna do. (And hey, no Isely Brothers yet?)

NF - I'm giving him one top, is that all right?
LB - It's OK, I didn't care for it.

Lil is gonna rock out Martha and the Vandella's "Heat Wave." Smokey drops the phone book line on us, and then he and Lil bond over the Detroit experience. Lil just wants to make Martha and Diana and Aretha proud, and even though Aretha's with Atlantic Records I'm sure she appreciates it.

I like the old-school flair of the dress and hairstyle. The actual singing is poor, however. Pitch problems all over, even to my less-than-apt ears. Good energy but the vocal is a great disappointment. Good song choice executed very poorly. She was way better in the rehearsal.

R - should have done a slower song.
K - you should have nailed this song this week. We need more from you. You even screamed a little and you have a powerful voice, you don't need to, you should just sing.
P - disagrees with Randy and Kara, because she's listening to the original on an iPod concealed in her koosh dress.
S - a nice authentic homage - but bad song choice. He suggests "Heard it Through the Grapevine." (I suggest "Nowhere to Run" if she wanted to stick to Martha and the Vandellas.) "You could have had a moment there tonight and you didn't get there. Lest we forget, you're one of the finest singers in this competition."
P - "You could run for President!"
NF - She's not 35 yet. Even Taylor Hicks can't run for President. It's the opposite of the age rules for your program, actually, the program you've been on for more than seven years, in the country you've lived in for six times that long. Two tops for Lil.

Adam's up next, looking like a young Elvis right down to the shiny suit. First, though, the Moheghan Sun hotel and casino would like to rummage through my childhood memories and smash whatever it finds - thanks for Meganizing Toto's "Hold the Line," guys, I'm going right to Foxwoods and you can take a great big flying jump.

OK, at this point, I actually lost my notes, due to circumstances - no, due to my doofusness. Luckily I don't need notes to remember how completely brilliant Adam was. He geeked out in front of Smokey and then sang "Tracks of My Tears." Far and away the best of the night - it's like he was from another planet. Standing O, including from Smokey and Gordy. I'm actually buying the live version on iTunes, and I never do stuff like that. Six Tops and a Temptation. It's not even close.

In a perfectly just world, Megan would be following since she's a dead girl singing anyway. Unfortunately it falls to Super Saiyen Gokay to follow that landmark performance. He's singing "Get Ready, Here I Come," and while it's not bad, of course it suffers a bit in the comparison. Smokey gave him a bit of actual advice in the rehearsal - "You're pausing where the backup singers take over. You should sing those parts too. 'It's all right... It's outta sight.'" Danny agrees with Smokey, and then ignores him during the performance. If I find my notes I'll share the judges' remarks, which at this point had to be compressed. Simon said amateurish, I think. It was nothing to rush out and buy, to be sure. Three tops - I'm trying not to mark the guy down because of Adam's performance.

Allison closes the show - she flubs the lyric in the rehearsal and Smokey warns her to mind the words on the night. She's choosing "Papa Was a Rolling Stone," which is rather a bad idea. The song is seven minutes long, and even if you cut the intro there's a lot you lose. She has to smoosh verses together. She flubs the lyric again ("Talkin' 'bout savin' souls, all the time leachin'... Dealing in dirt, and stealing in the name of the Lord.") She concentrated too much on the line leading into it and lost her place. Her voice is still as good as ever but this went off the rail a bit on her. Heh, Simon graffiti'd a moustache on Paula in crayon! 2½ tops for the song, four tops for Simon.

Bottom three -
1. Megan, Megan, and Megan some more.
2. Mike Sarver is also on the block. I'm torn on the other choice. Allison was already in the bottom three (not quite deserved) so closing the show like this may be big trouble, but Scott and Lil could fill this spot. Heck, I'll choose...
3. Lil.

Na na, hey hey, goodbye - oh, how Megan does deserve it, but she is so clearly horrible that she isn't splitting the odious VFTW block. Probably Mike instead, but if I'm wrong, how right it would be.

(You are directed to high-quality snark here. Click it! Go!)

Watching too much Stargate

Maybe Obama is the Goa'uld System Lord Apophis, because this weekend he sent out his Jaffa to do his bidding.

Volunteers fanned out across the Birmingham area and Alabama Saturday to pump up enthusiasm for President Barack Obama's budget proposal in much the same way they did to win over voters during the presidential campaign.

About 30 volunteers in Birmingham canvassed shopping areas and other high-traffic
locations to talk about the need for health care reform, an education overhaul and environmentally friendly energy development.

"If we don't change these three things in the next 10 to 15 years, America is over as we know it," Chris DeHaven, told the group of volunteers before they went their separate ways.

God help any of these zombies if they come anywhere near me.

Don't go, Gentle, into that good night! AI eliminations

“What have we done,” Ryan asks while looking over poor Nick Mitchell. Uhm… you tell me. It wasn’t any voting of ours that put him on that stage. (Timely clip of Randy at Nick’s audition: “OK, yes, whatever!”) This is American Idol!

The judges are appropriately all in black tonight. Ryan tries some bantering about Simon’s tan and he comes back with “Can this be less about me and more about the show?” I feel the bromance, friends.

The group sing is “I Just Can’t Stop,” guys first, girls joining in. I like the arrangement. I have a soft spot for these group gigs. Heh, Nick looks so annoyed at being buttoned down Mr. Normal. He busts out four seconds of Norman Gentle right at the end. Ryan then keeps me through the adverts with the promise of a “hidden audition clip.” It’s someone I don’t recognize belting out “It’s in His Kiss.” Kara does a touch of the backup vocals right at the end, it almost looks unwilling… Bleh. That was an anti-climax.

Then it’s on to the highlights, which would be maybe four or five people. Unfortunately they show all twelve. The first four were a wasteland last night. Misery.

Ryan asks Nick, “If you don’t make it then what can we expect from you?” Nick: “I’m always looking for work.” Heheheh. Nick’s a much more pleasant and likeable guy than Norman, and of course a better singer. Why does he need to put on the act? I don’t get it. Matt Beitzke, our soulful welder, has good answers too. Simon snarks him.

Yeah, so that breaks up the happy portion of our evening. It’s time to see who gets packed off and who gets to sit in one of the Eggcups of Joy. Allison is called up first. Ohhhhh no. Too early. Please cross me up here. Ryan calls Jessie and Matt B up alongside, and this is more promising, since Allison was clearly the best of these three. Yes! She’s in! Big sigh of relief here in Chez Nightfly. Allison’s so flustered she forgets that she should sing and has to be called back. Then after the break she allows that she’s “so friggin’ happy right now!” America’s win streak is up to four.

Kris and Megan next. LB and I agree that this looks like a pair of nos. BUT! Matt the Lesser and Jeanine are also up. This couldn’t be a rare quad Fail, could it? No – Ryan says one is certainly through. Paula says there’s no way to predict the result, so Ryan cuts Jeanine and Matt to help.

Heh, Kara starts rambling and Simon calls her on it.
K – “I’m trying to give some advice; it’s part of what I’m here to do! … I really like you, I think you’re talented.” [Which is praise, not advice – I guess that’s the other part of her job.] “Megan, you could be a big recording artist, blah blah blah, I like kitties, long walks at sunset, and singing backup during the auditions…”
S – “Kara, take your time.”
[much laughter at Chez Nightfly. We really should have invited him to our wedding. “OK, so listen, the first dance was brilliant, but the cake cutting was a boring, derivative mess. Uhtuhly forgettable. It was like some ghastly Elks Lodge initiation. Sowry!”]
K – “Do you ever shut up?”
NF – “Hey, you’re the one running longer than War and Peace, chickie.” Sowry!
K – “Well, I WILL take my time!”
Ryan – “No, I’ll take it from here.” HA! Ten points.

Annnnd – it’s Kris Allen! We’re five for five! Booya! My jinxin’ days may be over at last. Kris is properly humbled and agog. He also rocks the re-sing.

Fast-forward commercials, including the one with Carlton’s dad from Fresh Prince failing all the little children of the world by not letting them be the teachers and leaders when they don’t know anything yet. Then Jack comes on to cleanse the brain.

Sappy recap time – set to “What a Wonderful World.” I am such a pushover for these. We get the three singing cowboys, the Asian Liberace (We’re brothers! Forever!), Clay and Ruben and Daughtry and the Pickle… also the water tosser and a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty. Ah, our Philly friend who’s going for actressing, dropping slo-mo F-bombs all over during the exit interview. I’m surprised they didn’t also show her reprise from this season, when her kinder, gentler side blistered Simon after another strikeout. They also show the huge geeky Clay fan who completely freak-spazzed when the actual Clay came onstage with him.

EEEEEEEK it’s the Hoff! And Sanjaya’s OMAC hairdo. (Evacuate the theater! Sanjaya is going to destroy it!) William Hung. They close with a lot of crying winners and big group hugs. (Funny, Taylor’s the only guy who didn’t seem to have any emotion about winning, just that cornpone grin of his.) All together now…. Awwwwww. And in keeping with that general feeling here’s Brooke White to sing her first single (she co-wrote), “Hold Up My Heart.” See that girl, bare-footin’ along. The song’s decent, a fluffy lite-country number. Very Brooke.

The last five of this year’s contestants are up en masse. Ryan intros my my my Mishavonna, Kai, and Jasmine – skipping over Nick and Adam. (Foreshadowing!) Yeah, my win-streak looks over. The three are excused and Nick’s left with Lord Emo, who shall surely triumph. Ryan stretches it out by asking Simon if he did, indeed, pray that Nick wouldn’t advance. Simon – “For about five or six hours, actually. I hope that God and I have a good relationship right now.” He’s brilliant. Don’t be envious, Kara.

Enough suspense. Lord Emo vanquishes the Jester. “That’s… too bad.” [/walkenvoice] The re-sing is somewhat less annoying but he still mugs for the camera. Maybe Mishovanna can grab a wildcard. (Lisa, you're our winner for this week! Congrats.)

Next up – the cussinest show on television, Hell’s Kitchen! Everyone knows Chef Ramsey’s well-practiced vocabulary, but this year’s contestants take it to a completely different plane of ghetto. They’e a shocking pack of vulgarians. It makes the Sopranos sound like Davey and Goliath.

It takes a village to hold a singing competition – AI eliminations week two

Where else can you find a welder, bartender, font designer, comedian, and emo prince? Only here, says Ryan. Thissssss… IS aMERican Idol!

I have lesser hopes this time, since America got last week mostly (perhaps entirely) correct with Alexis, Michael and Super Saiyen Gokay moving into the Top Twelve. There are some potential disasters lurking tonight. In honor of our font designer I shall assign fonts to each contestant.

Ryan asks the judges if they have any advice. Simon: “It’s too late for advice now.” HAHAHA! “Really – they’re seconds away from singing.”

1. Jasmine leads off with “Love Song.” Her low register is iffy. She’s flatting some notes. At least she’s not the goofy marionette Jackie Tohn was. This would be slightly better without a barking dog in between me and the television. The judges are fairly unanimous – pitchy, bad song choice. Simon gets booed and comes back with “Wait, I just said the SAME THING they did.” True. He adds that she’s two years away (only 17 now), has good confidence, but it wasn’t the best performance or song choice. FONT – Goudy Old Style, a decent serif font you wouldn’t use on a resume.

2. Matt – the Georgia on My Mind guy. Singing Coldplay’s “Viva la Vida,” which I love dearly, so I’m worried. OK… so this is completely bad. He’s too high for the song, too high for his own voice, off-key everywhere, and like so many before him, he’s happying up a song meant to be lower-key and reflective. Way too showy. Fail.
Kara - not your type of song, you’re bluesy. This is the wrong song.
Paula - you’ve fallen very far from Hollywood. You look much more comfortable with the piano.
Simon - verging on horrible, too faux-pop star.
Randy - not your style, dawg…
AND YET they all hope he’ll be back. Not I. That was a waste of time and energy. Begone. FONT – Ravie.

3. Jeanine, who hopes they won’t show the clip of her tripping over the table at the end of Hollywood Week…. Annnnnd roll film! Inauspicious. She may as well say “I hope I don’t pick a lousy song, completely screw up the performance, and get yelled at!” Singing “This Love” by Maroon 5. Train wreck – off-pitch, pointless runs, and she can’t settle on singing the harmony or the melody, so she switches from one to the other.
K – uh… great legs!
S – “That’s how you leave it?” [NF – what else is there to say?] “It was terrible. Wrong song. But great legs.”
R – yeah, the legs are hot, best part of the song was when it ended. [OUCH.] Jasmine says she was trying to get out from under the radar.
K – Overcompensating.
P – it would have been better in tune. [DOUBLE OUCH.]
Ryan – so, based on the comments… how did you prepare your legs for tonight?
Man, when EVERYONE is killing you, it’s best just to stay dead. FONT – Rage Italic, 6 pt.

4. Nick. Sigh. Here we go. Nick, who is 27, wines that Simon acts like a middle-schooler, and that he had to be true to himself by creating a character to be. The Court Jester of Irony, right here. He breaks out Norman Gentle to crush our senses with “I’m Not Going” by Jennifer Hudson. Let’s hope he’s wrong about that, because this is outrageously bad. Terrible outfit, intentionally bad stage gyrations – the voice is nasal and off-kilter. This is ticking me off. He can sing – he’s sucking on purpose and it’s an insult to everyone who gets kicked off while trying their best.
OH. NO. He is MAKING OUT with the American Idol sign. I really wish I were lying. He’s also changing all the lyrics to be about AI. We do NOT have to love him, do we? We can disobey the song? Please say yes, so I can punch him with hammers.
S – “I hope I speak for all America when I say I hope you don’t go through.” BOOOING? What tone-deaf crack heads did they drag into the theater? “Why are your parents looking at me like that?” (Dad is incredulous. He must have been listening to David Cook on his iPod while Norman was performing.) Norman tosses a sassy diss and a karate kick in Simon’s direction. I’m completely annoyed by this whole shtick and have been pretty much since auditions. They should have bum rushed him like they did Ian Bernardo a couple years back. This is the same wretched act. Instead we’ll have VFTW all over him like stink on a skunk.
R – it was entertaining. [Have they all gotten into Paula’s glass?]
K - You wear the same shirt every week just like Simon. We will remember you. [We remember the Hindenburg too. Oh the humanity.]
P – You don’t have a bad voice.
So why did he sing so badly? Isn’t anyone going to call Bravo Sierra on this hack? You know the devil of it is, this is going to work from his point of view, and somebody is going to give him a job entertaining folks for pay. It may be on a camp level, or on a VH-5 “I Am Mildly Interested in the Eighties” special, but somehow someway this jackanapes is will be rewarded for his dis-services. I need to start Lent over. FONT – Wingdings, in flashing neon orange.

5. Allison – only 16 years old, which means she was NINE for Season One. Officially young enough to be my daughter. I will now jump into a nest of hornets. She’ll sing “Alone” by Heart, and uh-oh, this is a tough song choice. Carly rocked it last season. Is anyone going to be even remotely adequate tonight? Off she goes. She’s on-key. Hey, good punch when the song picks up, a tad screechy but this is far and away best of the night so far. First thing I don’t regret hearing. Thank you for getting me off the ledge, Allison.
R – It’s a funny night tonight. [Funny? Funny like a clown? Does this show amuse you?] Finally someone blew it out the box!
K – You’re great, serious chops.
P – You could sing a cliché about singing well, by far the best we’ve heard.
S – Best by a clear mile, it’s like the competition just started. Simon also notes that she had zero personality during the interview segment and then suddenly came alive on stage.
NF – agreed on all counts, and I’ll vote for her. And next time, just have a 24 instead of a 36, okay guys? FONT – Forte: hip, bold, rocking.

6. Kris – the guy with the girl’s name spelling. He looks and sounds like an older Archuleta, right down to the message song, Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror.” Better showmanship. He isn’t offering me any gum. He’s picking up as he goes, pretty good. Best guy so far.
K – back half was much better, but still worse than Hollywood, wrong song. [Booing, both from me and the audience.]
P disagrees and name checks the songwriters, says they’d be proud.
Simon agrees…. With Paula. [Please leave the long pauses to Ryan, I’d have to start hating everyone and remember, it’s Lent – I’m supposed to be improving.] Showed energy, confidence, “the girls will love you.”
R – you did it without the guitar, good job.
NF - Which reminds me – everyone who CAN play and DID during Hollywood are NOT doing so now. Has AI banned instruments for this round or is it just individual decisions? FONT –Eras Demi ITC.

7. Megan – misses her son, sings “Put Your Records On” by hmnnwhoever. Heh, I typed the title wrong at first ‘cause I had my fingers on the wrong keys – it came out “{it Upir Recprds Pm.” That’s as good a description as any other for the performance. She’s over-pronouncing the words. She reminds me of that Four Non Blondes chickie, which is bad news for Megan.
P – right song, camera loves you, relevant, you did everything right. [Except, you know, the actual singing.]
S – started really well, oversang the second half.
Megan – I thought I rocked it.
Megan is mistaken, but Simon has a mental hiccup and says he hopes America votes for her, “but the vocals could have been better.” Aren’t vocals the point of a singing competition? It usually is when the judges want to rip someone.
R – love the smoky jazz vocals. [That was so smoky they should have evacuated the theater.]
K – you’re a packaged artist, with the right song and video you could be very viable. [As long as someone else does the singing.] FONT – Curlz MT.

8. Matt the Welder – “If You Could Only See” by Tonic.” This is a Ladybug fave. You know, it’s hard to listen and take notes when the Official Puppy is jumping, yipping, and trying to eat the corner of the coffee table. BRB. OK…. “You know, true love,” Matt says. “I like that.” Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the woild. It’s a low-key performance, but first-rate vocals. Spot on. I’m really liking this. Kris was the better showman, Matt the better singer.
S – I really like you, absolutely hate the song. [huh?] I’m frustrated, it looked boring. [What happened to the vocals?]
R – you needed a better performance.
K – we all like you, didn’t show us any side of you… and you can really sing! [Gee, thanks for noticing the singing in a singing competition! Glad we added your services, Kara.]
P – not a note out of place. BUT… and so on. They are killing this guy right in front of his wife and kid, to whom he was singing. Look, I get that this was a dull stage performance but it was an excellent vocal on a night where such things have been sorely missed. FONT – good old reliable Lucida Sans.

9. Jessie – the second chance girl, brought back in when a successful contestant’s prior record deal got her DQ’d. Singing “Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes. (Written by Jackie DeShannon – see, I can name check too!) Interesting song choice, since Carnes has a ragged voice. She won’t have to knock out the vocals to sound good. She does, however, have to NOT mumble. Oh well. Just not good enough. How can you mess this up? She’s not even using the full range of the song, just dropping it all to one octave.
R – OK, cool song, but just another performance. Like a five-note range.
K – this is your best look, interesting to watch.
P – identifiable sound, unique phrasing. [In other word, she mumbles. Even Joe Cocker doesn’t mumble this much.]
S – forgettable. “Too cool for school; people aren’t going to jump up and vote for you.” Simon’s back on my Christmas card list.
R – Simon actually agreed with me, though he didn’t say it. [Funny how they all boo and mock, and then brag when Simon agrees with them. He’s the dope, kiddies, don’t doubt it!] FONT – the illegible, boring Gill Sans MT Extra-Condensed Bold.

10. Kai – “What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted?” They get voted off the show. He held the final note wonderfully. Probably outdid Matt the Welder, though it was a straight and very old-fashioned performance. Judges agree. Simon – “You’ll make an excellent backup singer.” FONT – Courier.

11. My my my Mishavonna. She was cut from Hollywood last year. Leads off her second go with “Drops of Jupiter” by Train. Oh, it’s that “eh-hey-ee-yay-ay” song. She is unfortunately over-emphasizing the ay-ee-yays. But the rest is pretty good. She’s sneaking into my top three. Funny, this was like the reverse Allison - very winning in the interview, and then very staid on stage, but the vocals are just about there. If she can connect those vocals to her personality while singing she will blow away most of the people here.
P – sang well, you can SING, but you’re not exciting me.
S – agreed, but why so serious? “Something about it left me cold. You act like a fifty-year-old.”
R – song is cool but you feel so much older than 18.
K – you’re very put together… loosen up. You’re a really good singer so shake it out.
Ryan goes over and gosh, but she’s tall… or Ryan isn’t, perhaps. Her personality is back, though, during the chat. I hope she gets through so she can show us what she can really do. FONT – Trebuchet, but with a possible upgrade to Rockwell Bold.

12. Adam, Lord Emo, is closing the show. He’s been doing musical theater since he was ten [SHOCKA!]. I don’t think he should have beaten out the guy he sang off with, so I’m already biased, y’all. He’s singing “Satisfaction” by the Stones, and let me show you that I’m willing to change – I think this is a great choice, he’s quite Jaggeresque. I like the arrangement. Good start with the slow burn and the big kick-off. (Ladybug – he’d make a great Hedwig in “Hedwig and the Angry Inch.”) Alas, his performance is degrading. It’s like he knows he started well and is getting self-conscious and showy. Way overdoing it. Since he’s last, however, he may well overshadow the other guys who were better overall but not as stage-practiced.
P – I’m watching the Adam Lambert concert, you’re in a league of your own.
S – I’m finding it difficult. Some parts were excruciating, but some parts were brilliant. [Ah, sanity. Thank you, Simon Cowell, for making us laugh about bad singing. Again.]
R – loved it, you’re very current – he name-drops Robert Pattinson.
LB – see? He looks like he could be an extra on Twilight.
NF – don’t some extras get killed in the opening act? [I’ll be in trouble for that one, home and in blogworld.]
K – outrageous vocal technique. Who has a range like that?
NF - Range? He screeched the high notes. Lord Emo plays it very cleverly and builds off the Pattinson comment, says he loves the Twilight books. Panderer. FONT – Matura MT Script Capitals: it looks good but it’s hard to find a really good use for it. Or maybe one of those old-timey Ren Faire standbys.

Quick recap runs… stop the pain… HA! It cut off before Lord Emo. LB – oh yeah? I’m downloading his song with the gift card YOU bought me. (Touché. As always, I’m not going to win on this.) We agree on Allison and Mishavonna, but of course sharply split on the guy. She’s all about Emo the Pander Bear, I’m waffling between Kris Allen and Matt Beitzke. The thing is, I’m not nearly as big on Twilight, so why am I the one annoyed that he’s exploiting Ed and Bella’s rabid fan base for personal gain? I’m not falling for this swinging baloney.

What do you think?

Sylar the goalie

His power is stopping your shots...


And eating your braaaaaaiiins!

Well, actually, it's Joey MacDonald of the Islanders. This picture is from a couple seasons ago - he'd just left the Red Wings to join the Bruins. Hopefully he didn't kill a goalie at each stop to gain their abilities.

What, you think Brodeur, Luongo, and DiPietro are just injured?

(picture from Chris Botta's Islanders Point Blank blog)

Yeah, so now I think of it

...I should have been water-coolering "Fringe" from the get-go. There just seems to be no time lately.

Rays Lose Game 6 4-2

Thanks, Fly.

Some of the ladies in our church have fallen in love with the Rays. One of them was watching last night's game on TBS when the signal was lost. She did not own a radio. She was calling other people to get updates until the signal was restored. She bought a radio as backup for Game 7.

I am really nervous about tonight. Those Bosox will not go away.

We're brothers forever! AI season 7 finale

It’s David vs. another, slightly larger David… not exactly worthy of the Biblical buildup we’re getting here. Twelve seconds into a two-hour show and already my eyes hurt. Let’s get on with it.

Here are your top twelve, singing “Get Ready, Here I Come” (to a venue near you). Heh, David Archuleta looks so detached. “Just give me my million dollars already.” Mostly good. However, The Love Guru looks lousy. Jeepers, that was unfunny. When did Mike Myers turn into a flea-market version of Robin Williams? This is terrible. He can’t need the money that badly, can he? At least he had the grace to cut it short and get the hell out once he realized he was bombing.

Syesha teams with Seal for a very good “Waiting on You.” I wish she’d made the final. Then Jason revisits “Hallelujah,” and does well – not quite the revelation he was his first go-round but still fine. I wish he’d made the final.

Hybrids for the Davids!

The top-6 girls are up next to mangle some Donna Summer – Carly and Brooke were easily the best of the six. (I wish they’d made the final.) Well, strike that, say best of the five since Syesha didn’t take a solo. Biker Nurse was dreadful, the poor thing. She probably hasn’t sang seriously since getting the vote-down and now she’s out here with all these practiced singers, getting eaten alive.

Now, I’m going to let you in on a secret: it just so happens that Donna Summer her ownself has a single out, called “Stamp Your Feet.” I know this because earlier tonight I was watching ESPN and they waylaid me with a WNBA promo that used Donna’s new single. I bet she’s going to come out and sing with the contestants! See, I’m C-A-T smart. Sadly, the performance is not all that. Donna’s face looks a little over-finished – not quite Joan Rivers territory but a little scary – and she is way off key on “Last Dance.” She seems even to be having trouble holding notes. How can this be the same woman who out-diva’d the mighty Streisand on “Enough is Enough”? Is she OK? Syesha is taking her solo now, and outsinging her. Did you ever think that Donna Summer could be OUTSUNG by an American Idol? My childhood just died a little.

Carly Smithson and Mike Johns (IWTMTF) rock “The Letter,” using the Joe Cocker model. Well done.

Even Ryan is joking that they’ll get to the results eventually. Poor guy is still a little dazed from his ride on the Guru’s mobile cushion – the funniest part of the segment, and boy is THAT bad news for Myers’ vehicle. Instead they bring on Jimmy Kimmel, who is loads funnier than Myers, even though he is as stiff as always. “I valet-parked. How much do I tip Sanjaya?” Heheheh. (Oops, he’s actually in the audience. Funny aside – I saw Sanjaya on one of those “It’s 10:00 – do you know where your children are?” spots on the local channel the other night. It was rather odd.)

The top-6 boys are next, out to sing some Bryan Adams. (I guess he’s got an album too.) “Summer of ‘69” wasn’t bad until Trent Dimas sucked on his verse – it got much better when Chikieze (Like Sunday Morning) kicked in. The Davids come out to sing a little smidge of “Heaven” before turning the stage over to Bryan himself for a couple of forgettable tunes, which I have forgotten already.

Thankfully it’s David Cook’s turn for a solo number – he plays and sings “Sharp Dressed Man” with ZZ Top. They don’t do the guitar spin, which would have been really awesome to pull off, but still trés bién. (I would have done “Cheap Sunglasses,” but I’m old and boring.)

Raise your hand if you hate the remote segments. I have both hands up and am typing with my toes. These are tremendously bad and the hosts are atrocious.

Brooke White and Graham Nash are next, singing “Teach Your Children.” I’m eh on this. I like the song but this performance is quite flat. Of course they can’t help not having Jerry Garcia around on the steel guitar, but they themselves seem disinterested. I’m sorry, but if you guys aren’t going to try to sell the song, why should I buy? Pass. The Jonas Brothers show many times more life and energy. I don’t know the song at all, but that was much more fun. All the tweeners just forgot the Crown Prince’s name, face, voice….

Yay! The montage of misery! Who are they going to show with so many possibilities? Milo was already on last night. They don’t show the “American Idol’s Biggest Fan” dude – probably for the best, they tend to kick these guys when they’re down. There’s Tracey’s pal – “Let mah pipplllll goooooo!” There’s the “Take It!” chickie who’s going to go for actressing. Hey, the Asian Liberace! I love this guy. Awesome, he’s coming out on stage! This guy both cracks me up and makes me smile, if that makes sense. Of course, having the USC marching band and everyone come out makes what was a genuinely touching moment a little corny, a little less heartfelt. It’s like they’re making fun of his earnestness. But I don’t care. Renaldo Lapuz – bless him. (IWHMTF.) (On second thought – he just did, didn’t he? Beautiful.)

One Republic. Never heard of them. Back Door Slam was on the radio the other day, though, and that’s sweet. (I told you so.) Ladybug wants to fast-forward, and it’s a good call – as we start scooting forward we see the Crown Prince pop out, apparently this is his solo. You know, the thing of it is that he is a good singer, he sounds just fine, but alas, something about the kid just riles one, don’t it? I actually feel bad for him a little because I’m so mean. This is really getting involved and I may need to seek help after this post goes up.

They bring out Jordin Sparks. Now remember, the last two “pick a group” contestants – Taylor and Jordin – wound up winning, so Archie’s got the omens on his side. Moreover, I’m pulling for DC and that means BIG TROUBLE. I am the Ultimate Mush. I should get Kiss of Death tats – maybe K-I-S-S and D-E-T-H across my knuckles.

Gladys Knight and the Pips from 1972, sweet – except they’ve erased the pips and replaced them with Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. (Ladybug – “Where’s Chikieze?” BWAHAHAHAHA!) OK, now I’m bored. Is there a “mute” for the picture instead of the sound? And is it my imagination or is Robert Downey Jr. the funniest out of the three? Oh well, it was a vintage Gladys Knight performance anyway.

Next, Carrie Underwood. She don’t even know his last name. She also don’t know where her pants is. Yipes, that was nearly the end of family night right there. The poor kids in the front are getting more show than they bargained for. What was she thinking? Typical “I gone done wrong” twanger rock, and mostly forgettable. Like some ghastly honky-tonk in the back-wuds, with chick-un wi-uh across the stage. Sowry!

Will this ever end? Is one of these guys going to actually win this week?

The top 12 does another medley, this time of George Michael, whom I must conclude has an album due out. The girls sing “Faith.” Golly, Amanda is just horrible. It’s like she forgot even how to pretend to sing – like she knows before she starts that she’s doomed, and has just given up on trying. The boys do “Father Figure.” Trent Dimas gets the “warm and naked” line and predictably butchers it. Otherwise decent. They all do a little bit of “Freedom” (gee, that’s a lot of F’s) and then the man himself comes out, dressed like Neo and wearing Bono’s sunglasses. It looks goofy, but the man can still flat-out bring it when he wishes. It’s a new song – a Message Song, which somehow doesn’t surprise me – but it’s much better than the standard of the genre. He did very well but I’m beginning to tune out, it’s just going on too long. Help.

OK – it’s results time. I guess the winner will do the Craptacular Single Contest winner. Hurry, we’re running out of DVR here. Simon goes back to last night – he says he went home and re-watched it and it was not nearly as clear-cut as he said on the night – he apologizes to DC. That’s cool. That’s why I dig Simon. We really should have invited him to the wedding, just for kicks. (“That whole sequence on the third dance was uh-tuhly forgettable. You’ll have to do much better to make it to the bouquet toss.”)

Here’s the envelope. “Ladies and gentlemen…” AND THE DVR CUTS OFF.

Friends, at this point, I just want to point out that my wife is MADE OF AWESOME and also recorded the news so we can pick up where we left off. You can’t has, is all mine. Sowry.

OK, so there’s cheering and hugging and I still know nothing – it didn’t pick up cleanly. The missing 14 seconds are the important part. Somebody start singing, please. YES! It’s DC! He stands alone. Take that, middle school America! Holy cow, I didn’t mush him. Hopefully I haven’t killed the album sales.

Sweet, now I can watch season eight. The “song” is called “Time of My Life,” and it seems like the result of an explosion in a cliché factory. All these first singles are “look at me, I won a contest” songs, and it’s blecch. Come on, we want to take this guy seriously and you’re making him perform this turd sundae? I can always gouge out this part of the CD. Great moments with his brother and mom, though, and that’s what I’ll remember. That and the big-brother shoulder hug he just gave David Archuleta. That was a nice touch. All is forgiven, Crown Prince. May you be ever earnest, and may you never be short of gum.

Touch gloves, come out singing! AI final

Michael Buffer stretches out the intro this time around; still didn't quite get out as long as Ryan, but he held the note better. I like that they used the actual fanfare from the Creed/Balboa fight, and not just "Gonna Fly Now."

It's 180-pound David Cook against the flyweight David Archuleta. (I said 92 pounds, but Buffer said "About a hundred." Heh. He wore the heavy socks tonight.) Simon says that they have to hate each other, and Archuleta spoils that instantly by saying that DC is awesome. Cook wryly notes that he can't say anything now without sounding trite.

Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Weber are the cornermen for this. Clive picks "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. He does pretty well, albeit not quite as dynamic as the original. Randy is going to call him DC (just like I did, yo, but I typed it first, dawg), and is happy about the performance. Paula says there's no need to keep looking (show's over! Drive safe!). Simon calls in phenomenal.

Now we all get to worry, because the Crown Prince gets to sing "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me," and it's a great pick for him. He gets to be emo and offer us all as much gum as his fellow Oompa-Loompas can deliver. He's even doing it while he's sitting down! Randy is shrieking that the whole stage is lava; Paula says that everything is bright and sunshiny. Simon says it's very easy to be overexcited, but that tonight's performance was possibly his best so far, calls round one to the Crown Prince. He doesn't look happy that he's said it, either. Tweeners are holding up signs asking for his sweet gum-bearing hand in wedlock. Crrrreeeeeeepy.

ALW says that DC may have a little doubt in his voice. We'll see now; the song is "Dream Big," one of the songs from the Putrid First Single Competition they held this year. DC is done with this waltzing the stage. He's got his guitar and leather jacket, and is rocking the tune, as best it can be rocked. The chorus is eh, lyrically, but a bit better than the usual AI standard. The judges are basically saying the same thing: the song didn't live up to the performer. Agreed.

Archuleta is coming up. "In This Moment," probably another Putrid Contest entry. "Reflection/perfection," heh, ALW is right - who wrote this? Holy crap, the Crown Prince is using Kristy Lee's step/crouch move! He has anchors all over his ugly jacket. And they show a long shot of the whole crowd, confirming my suspicions: it's only the front couple of rows doing the slow arm wave; it's all designed to get themselves camera attention. Nobody else cares. Thank goodness. Why is his face such a dull mask when he's hitting the big notes at the end? It's horrible. It sounded very good, but it looked weird. And again, the song was blecch. "Fantastically self-centered lyric," Simon says, but says it was a better choice and he takes round two. DC is going to have to knock him out - or Archie's gonna have to huck up a hairball on Ryan's lapel.

Finally, the contestant choice. ALW says to pick something with a cry of passion, so DC goes with "The World I Know" by Collective Soul - a song he's never performed before. Hope this pays off. Archuleta will sing "Imagine." AGAIN. $$#^%$! That miserable Marxist dirge. Little snot. "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the Angry Dome."

I don't even want to listen. DC is singing far the better song, but the "hug the puppies" kumbaya crowd is going to fall for the Crown Prince of the Politburo. DC absolutely nailed the final song, though, and is actually tearing up here. It's a terrific job, and brilliant choice: he sang an Archuleta song, only it had balls. Magnificent. Randy thinks he should put it on the album and sell it now, Paula applauds him, but Simon thinks he should have gone with Billie Jean or Hello. "Why do something I've already done?" he replies. Hot damn! Twist that knife.

OK, the Commie bunk. "Imagine no possessions." Imagine no record contract, kiddo. He is doing a different arrangement of it, acoustic with strings, but he only sang the one verse and chorus, and that's it. ...the hell? He's showing some actual emotion this time, but "the world will live as one" is, strictly speaking, CRAP. If we all took this song's advice, the world would die as one.

I can't believe what I'm hearing. The judges fell for this! He wasn't even that good this third time. He barely sang any of the song. I am so irked right now. DC showed range, emotion, and wasn't a repetitive tool. He will sell so many more records than the Crown Prince.

Hey, Ruben's here! They're recapping the season's big moments. "No Sex Allowed!" There's the glee club kid, and the Asian Liberace! Good times. Jason Castro! Danny Noriega! I will try to forget the horror of this final hour and think of David Cook owning the Billboard.

AI, five to - nah, I got nothing

Well, not nothing, but SarahK has snarked, and I'm pretty much going to just second that emotion.

Although my favorite part of all of it? The shot of Jason Castro singing next to the Asian Superhero dude.

We're brothers forever!

PS - you wouldn't like him when he's angry.

I Should Have Watched AI

Last night, after it became clear that The Rays were going to hammer the O's, I surfed over to CBS to see what the TV show Criminal Minds was up to.

In this episode, the feds were after a killer who was meeting other guys in gay bars, taking them out and killing them. So the feds visit the killer's father to talk to him. When Dear Old Dad started talking about the importance of his Christian faith, I knew where this was headed.

And CBS did not disappoint. Bible-thumping homophobic father turns his gay son into a psycho killer. Gee, like I haven't seen that on TV before!

I did what everybody else was doing and went to AI in time to catch Neil Diamond's great performance.

Next week on Criminal Minds: Islamic father suspected in honor killing. Yeah, when pigs fly.