When you're 16, badly singing - AI announces the top 12

In a world.... where people must sing for their very lives...
Twelve people will emerge....
One will stand.... and eleven will fall...
This spring, entertainment... gets... personal!

Sorry, I just thought the late, great Don LaFontaine ought to do the intro.  Instead we get ominous synth chords, a dramatic reading, and goofy red serif title cards.  Geez laweeeze.  It's "Bible - the Rock Opera" by A Flock of Seagulls!

No, wait.  THIS is aMERican Idol!

Yeah, enough of that drama, here's Randy's head cheaply p-shopped onto Bikini Girl, pre-enhancement.  Cadet Happy could top that, no sweat.  The group sing is Michael Buble's "Just Haven't Met You Yet."  These are always a little sad for me, for reasons having nothing to do with the goofy singing and choreography.  It's tough watching and knowing that four of those happy kids are already out.  Speaking of which - hey, it's Paige and Katelyn!  Dead girl singin' heah.

Didi - Randy plays Ty Webb to her Danny Noonan and says to be dope every day.  She's in.

Ally Sheedy Siobhan - Ellen tells her to keep doing what she's doing.  So, she's in then.  Ryan makes it official and sends her to one of the eggcups.

Paige/Katelyn - together on stage.  So much for my prediction that both will go.  Katie just threw up in her mouth.  Simon says that Paige has the better potential.  The King of the Judges' Table is correct, of course: Paige scrapes in, and Katelyn is gone.  Ladybug boo-byes her and fast forwards her swan song with palpable glee.  (Heh... back off boys, she's mine.)

It's the boys' turn.  Maybe they're behind because half of the crew is up there at once: Tim, Todrick, Lee, and Casey.  One is certainly outta here.  Huh, Todrick grew a goatee overnight; faint, but noticable.  Casey gets the first eggcup, Tim the next.  Ryan asks Randy which of the other two deserve to continue.  Ryan says Lee, who looks as if he swallowed a bug.  Our dawg is right - Lee is in the Top 12 and leaves Todrick dancin' with himself, oh-oh-wu-oh.

Red room! Red room! Red room!  Ryan says hi to those still waiting, knows that it's annoying, and immediately cuts to our musical act: Scott MacIntyre and Matt Girard on pianos, singing "Tell Her About It."  Whoa, is this ever bizarre.
LB - it's what you'd see with Elton and Billy Joel.
NF - only without the talent.
Matt is howlingly bad right now.  Oversinging, strange phrasing... it's a verbal seizure.  The boogie-woogie piano duel in the middle made us both laugh uncomfortably.
LB - omigod, did you see Scott shake his little booty?
I like Scott's voice in this, anyway.  The rest was an astounding train wreck.

Glee promo!  W00t Glee!  Looks like they're amping the Shu-Emma lovin'.  There's also the obligatory Jane Lynch snark.  She's brilliant.  More please.

Back to the results.  Crystal gets a completely non-suspenseful yes.  Big Mike, too.  I hope they saved Ruben Studdard's industrial-strength eggcup.  If that thing gives way he'll domino the entire Top 12.  Lacey is asked to defend her eclectic song choices, and she says she likes to evoke different emotions.  She gets to invoke tears of happiness on her way to the eggcups.

Teflon Boy is in.  I'm not sure I agree with this.  The other two A-boys, Alex and Andrew, come up together.  Each has an arm around the other's shoulder as they face their fate.  Ryan asks Simon if Andrew peaked too soon.  Simon - "Maybe, but talent is talent, you're still a talented singer."  A good indicator for Andrew, and it pays off.  Alex's nerves sunk him, poor kid.  Ally Siobhan is weeping during the farewell song.

We come back from break to find everyone still hugging it out... then they finally surrender the stage to Katie and Lilly.  Two girls enter, one girl sings.  This looks awful for Katie, but as LB says, "I'm nervous for Lilly."  Kara thinks Lilly really knows who she is, but Katie "sounds contemporary."  Hmph.  She sounds adult easy-listening.

Yup.  Darn it all, Lilly is out, and Katie advances.  Notice it's Kara who punted on a prediction when asked, and hedged by talking about both.  Also notice that this is what happens when middle schoolers are permitted to vote.  Stupid America.  Katie's crying.  Most of the Idols just seem shocked.  Crystal, in fact, looks like she's about to wade into the audience with a cricket bat.  Lilly is nice to Katie as they hug, but she looks fairly ticked, as well she should.  "I thought I did really well," she says, "I put my heart into every performance, and I thought I really gave it my all... I don't know what America wants to hear."  HAHAHAHAHA!  Best. Concession. EVER.  She's not being snotty or mean or whiny, either - she just seems really, genuinely confused that Katie could possibly advance over her.  (Or Paige, for that matter, unless that's just me.)  "I just know there's an audience out there for me," she says.  Agreed.

See you next week, peeps.

Also see: Snark Raving Mad.  I agree with you on this, SarahK.

The A's didn't have it... AI's top 8 boys perform

The producers have picked up on my observation about the ladies lovin' on Simon... but of course, to annoy the King of the Judges' Table, they accuse HIM of leaning into Kara.  Very clever.  And THIS... is American Idol!

First up, Lee Dewyze, who closed last week's show.  He opens with "Fireflies."  There's something about his voice that appeals to me, and I find myself liking the acoustic rock-esque performance.  Decent start.  Randy and Ellen say it was pitchydawg* but I actually think that it's intentional; he's not missing notes, he's hitting unexpected notes out of the normal melody on purpose.  The closest example I can think of is Sinatra with his unusual phrasing.  It sounds off in the harder-edged context.  Your listenage may vary, but I find it interesting.  Simon, however, says something I agree with: he's better than he showed tonight.  He has to pick it up come Top 12 time.

* totally stole "pitchydawg" from SarahK.  Her reviews of the girls and guys are up, too, so go read.  Then please come back.  Kthxbai.**

** I kind of stole that from SarahK too, but it's a re-steal, so I don't feel so bad.***

*** Stole this whole asterisk note thing from Joe Posnanski.  I have to go to confession after every blog post lately.

Next it's Alex Lambert, the sheepish lion, singing "Trouble."  Not as good as the last person to do it on Idol (it was recently, but I'm blanking on the name, and I'm as annoyed about that as you are about all the self-interruptions.  Sawry).  Also, not as good as he was last week.  He just looks worried, worried, worried, worried.  A step backward.  Also giggled a bit about him singing "I was saved by a woman."  It doesn't look like that's happened yet for young Alex.  Ellen calls him a "mushy banana," which is right, but misses her own point by saying he's good all the time, like tonight.  Uhm, no... he was mushy.  A mushy, worried banana.  If this keeps up Ellen will be calling him tasty bread next week.  Simon says he needs a trick to relax, to get out of his own mind and enjoy the performance, and suggests, of all things, "Picture Randy in a bikini or something."  Great, now how am I going to get THAT out my mind and enjoy the performance?

Tim Urban is third tonight.  Oh, no... "Hallelujah."  Done a lot on the show since Jason Castro nailed it two years ago.  May be too much song.  He stumbles a bit early, but really picks it up.  Holy smokes, I think this is really good.  His best so far, by a mile.  This is the first time he actually sounds like he belongs in the Top 12.  Randy loves it, Ellen runs up and hugs him (?!?).  Ryan - "Do you want to give the numbers while you're here?"  Hahahahahaha, love him.  Kara liked Tim, Simon took credit for giving Tim the confidence boost.  (Hahahahahaha, love him, again.)  That leads to a chorus of "No, it was me who did that!" tag-alongs from everyone else.  Now you know why Simon is King of the Judges' Table.  The rest are all such wannabes.

Singing cleanup tonight is Andrew Garcia, with Christina Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle."  Still chasing his "Straight Up" vibe.  Ladybug - "Huh, he's singing another girl's song: Paula, Alicia, Adele, now Christina."  Like Lee before him, I like this better than the judges seem too.  Randy says he "reduced the song to three notes," and it's a fair point.  I really liked all three of those notes, though.  The acoustic vibe suits Andrew.  Ellen says he hit his stride too late, Kara says that he's still trying to recapture his high point, that he peaked too early with "Straight Up."  Simon says he sounded a little desperate and was moving backwards.  Again, YLMV, but I don't think it's entirely fair to judge him solely on a Hollywood Week performance from six weeks ago.  Compared to the past two weeks of eliminations, he has shown improvement.  Hope it's enough.

Fifth is Casey James, the blond brother of the Free Credit Report dude.  He's slowing things down a little in response to last week's critique about his voice lacking power in a few of the big spots.  He's on pitch, soulful, it felt like his song and not a cover.  (Oh, yeah... Keith Urban's "You'll Think of Me.")  Randy decides to be a tool and say that it felt too safe, that he wanted that Stevie Ray Vaughn edge.  Which is why, of course, last week everyone was annoyed with him.  Can they make up their mind about the poor guy before he gets sent home trying to do eleven things at once?  Ellen liked it, says he looked really comfortable.  Kara says he's moving forward, "just waiting for that spark from you."  Simon says it was worse than week one, better than last week, sang it well but probably won't remember it in 24 hours.

Aaron Kelly the Boy Wonder has decided to annoy me by singing a Lonestar song.  Not my vibe at all.  If this is really unfair let me know in the comments, I won't deny it.  Yow, pitchy right off.  He's not doing well with the verse, the slow stuff, it's like he can't wait to power out the chorus.  Yup, big notes now.  I dunno... it was all very old-fashioned sounding with the synth piano and soft-rock arrangement and the soaring chorus.  Kind of faux-inspirational, contrived, like a very intrusive movie score that orders the viewer to feel sad on cue.  It's not that the kid has a bad voice - he has a good voice, and a really big voice, but he sings to no real purpose.  Randy liked it, especially "in the power zone."  Ellen brings up that he's really young (AGAIN) and says "you have the confidence of a 30-year old."  You see, that's kind of the problem here: good in the power zone, old-sounding... even the compliments point out the problem.  Ellen does add, though, that it was "too big a song for you."  Kara says the song was about a dad calling his kids, and that Aaron really couldn't sing it convincingly.  Simon immediately calls that "rubbish."  "Don't be so literal," he tells Kara, adding that it was the style of song Aaron does well with.  Again, the compliment IS the problem.  He, like Ellen, points that the vocal wasn't that good.

Todrick Hall has to do something or he's going to the half-glove party with Jermaine and Michelle.  Singing Queen's "Somebody to Love."  Apparently, we're being touched by an angel with this spotlight deal.  If he tries to power this like Freddie Mercury it will blow up on him. Smartly, he isn't.  Quieter, controlled.  Beautiful high note early.  Very good, though he's flattening the melody a bit at the end, as if he doesn't trust himself to get back up that high again.  Very good arrangement, well sung, maybe he could have done a bit more but he did really help himself with this.  Randy - Todrick is back!  Ellen - liked the gospel vibe, wish you were more committed.  Kara - good singing, but she called it "too serious and dramatic."  Todrick - "I'm fighting for my life up here, Kara!"  Bravo, Todrick!  And great point, too - he used his personal situation to fuel the song and he really connected with it, and with the audience as a result.  Kara makes so much about it for everyone else, why is she suddenly forgetting things she said to the very previous singer?  Simon - now we know who you are, "it's American Idol the Musical doing Queen."  Very Broadway.  (Agreed.)  Takes a veiled shot at Casey by saying he didn't just sit on a stool with a guitar (boo).  "This may have saved you."  (Agreed again.)

Finally, Michael Lynche.  The last sang first, and the first shall sing last.  He's also gone from a Man's World to "This Woman's Work" by Maxwell.  I think he's very smart not to bring an instrument with him.  The first week, that guitar was pretty much just a prop for him to hide behind, and about as ineffective as my hiding behind an index card.  I think I like last week better, he's starting a bit sleepy.  Now it picks up.  He's into the performance.  It's obvious that he feels the smooth R&B, it's right in his wheelhouse.  He's really revving it up now, knocking it right out of the park.  Terrific job.  He's a lock for the twelve.  Randy has officially lost his mind.  All he can do is yelp "Dope!  What?  Really??!??  It was hot!!"  Ellen calls him the man to beat.  (I have to agree, at this point.)  Kara is actually, factually crying, and I'd snark her, but I think she really felt that hit home.  Of course she brings up Big Mike's wife and daughter, whom he pretty much refused to go home to see born.  But looking at her reaction highlights the problem I had with Aaron: this was a genuine moment coming out of the performance, not manipulative.  Simon's side-hugging Kara (that's sweet) and says it was the best performance of the year so far.  I may not be all the way there with that but it was easily the best of tonight.

Tops: Big Mike.... a gap.... then Tim (I know - I'm shocked too) and Todrick.
Bottoms: Alex, Aaron, and then probably Andrew, though I liked him more than the judges.  Aaron is teflon right now, so I'd say the other two are in a world of trouble tonight.

It reminds me of the menu at a Holiday Inn... AI's top 8 girls perform

Eight girls.  Our most talented group ever, for the forty-sixth consecutive year... which is why we're cramming them into one hour instead of going for 90 minutes.  That, and we hate ad revenue.  THIS.... is American Idol!

Ellen is nuzzling Simon, continuing the earlier gag where he allegedly came on to her during Hollywood Week.  And during these shows, Kara has been leaning against him as if he were Casey James.  Poor Randy, not getting any Cowell-lovin'.  He shouldn't boo every time Ryan introduces Simon if he wants a turn.  Not fooling anyone, dawg.

With all the distinctive voices on the ladies' side this year, it's going to be tough on Katie, Paige, and Katelyn, who have much more traditional voices and are thus competing against each other. The weakest performance from those three is going to wind up putting her out on her ear; perhaps two of them if none can step up.  The good news is, if one of them gets there she's almost guaranteed to get in.  Of the other five, I think Didi is in the shakiest spot coming in, because she was savaged (unfiarly, IMHO) last week and was bottom three.

Katie Stevens is first, with Kelly Clarkson's "Break Away."  The vocals are decent, that's not her problem, but it's all very "whatever yourself."  I keep waiting for her to really take off on the "make a wish, take a chance" part, but she just putters along, 45 mph in the passing lane, blinker still on.  Should have done better.  Judges aren't feeling it.  Simon in particular says that she's gotten so much advice that she tried to take, "10 out of 10 for eh-fourt," but that she "sucked all the energy out of it."

Siobhan "Ally Sheedy" Magnus, with "House of the Rising Sun."  Nice a capella start, she's changing the melody here and there as well, to good effect.  Liking this a lot.  Band joins in and we get a big strong finish.  Gorgeous.  Vote-worthy.  Judges?  Three of four, but Simon thought it was nothing special or different.  Maybe he couldn't dig Katie's performance out of his ears.

Lacey Brown, the flame-haired Leigh Nash soundalike, is singing a song I don't recognize, because I'm not one of the cool kids, and that's why we can't have nice things.  She is very good.  I'm even getting hints of Blossom Dearie in the vocal, I'm digging whatever-song-this-is.  Hitting notes all up and down the register.  If you just sing well, and connect to the song, you don't necessarily need to break out the fireworks.  She gets uniform praise for the judges.  Simon is somewhat reserved, says Lacey risks sounding forgettable.  He's taking the "final cut before the final 12" thing very seriously, trying to see who will raise their game to get in.

Katelyn Epperly is standing at the keyboard, singing "I Feel the Earth Move" by Carole King.  That makes one of her.  This is the sleepiest earth-moving I've ever heard.  It takes her half the song to finally start moving around a bit back there - not that she needs to writhe around like Ray Charles or something, but at least bob your head.  Maybe all that hair is too heavy to move.  Booooooorrrrrrring.  And she looks like one of the Weird Sisters.  I expect her to tell Ryan that he can kill Simon and be King of the Judges' Table.  Aside from the classic 60's keyboard, there was almost nothing to like about this.  Very Muzak.  Randy liked the keyboard, Ellen thought there was no wow to the song, Kara thought she didn't compete, and Simon says she sang it "quite well" but it was like request night at a restaurant.

That's 0-2 from the traditional voices. If Paige steps up she's sailing in.

Didi Benami is singing "Rhiannon," by Fleetwood Mac.  Tough song to take on.  She's going singer-songwriter with it, just a guitar and vocal.  Very stripped down.  She sounds wonderful, very ethereal, it fits the song well.  Big plus - I can finally understand the lyrics.

Stevie Nicks: Auhwl yrLIIIIIIIIIII, you nevuh seen a wumaunn, takn blytheblinnnnn
Didi Benami: All your life, you've never seen a woman taken by the wind

This is brilliant.  She really helped herself tonight.  Randy was lukewarm, but the other judges, having paid attention, give Didi her due, with Simon calling the whole performance a "wow moment" and Kara saying it was one of her favorite moments of the season.

Ohhhh.... "Dreams unwind, love's a state of mind."  Ohhhh!

Now it's Paige Miles, with a huge chance to step up.  Singing a tune called "Smile."  She is, however, not smiling.  Nor is she on key.  Wow, she's only hitting about two-thirds of the notes.  This is a turgid performance.  Arrangement is horrid, too.  Oh, no.  Oh... oh me oh my, we are in trouble, aren't we?  She gave up and shut down.  Randy calls it "bossa nova."  (She would have been better off singing "Bossa Nova Baby" than what she actually did.)  Ellen called it sad and heavy, not uplifiting.  Simon calls it "Holiday Inn, 1974."  I call it a swan song.  She's done.  Offbeat voices 3, Traditionalists 0, and it's not as close as the score suggests.

Crystal Bowersox takes on Tracey Chapman's "Gimme One Reason."  Blows it right out of the water.  Tremendous.  What's more impressive is that she followed up last week's star-making performance with another hgih-water mark.  Fantastic.  Easily your leader in the clubhouse.  Judges agree.  Simon even breaks out his Carl Sagan impression by saying she's "one million billion percent" in the top 12.

So now it's poor Lilly Scott's job to follow up Crystal.  She will use the power of her superfluous "L" to wow America - well, no, she's just singing "I Fall to Pieces" by Patsy Cline.  Nice mandolin.  Same relative size to her as the regular guitar to Michael Lynche.  (ba-DUM pum!  Thanks, I'll be here at the '74 Holiday Inn all week!  Try the veal!)  I do like this.  She sounds nothing like Patsy Cline, so just by singing well, she sounds original, despite the straight-up country arrangement.  And she is singing quite well.  Like it a lot.  On the downside, it looks like she emptied her dryer vents before coming on, and she's wearing the giant lint balls as earrings.

Top Three - Crystal by a mile, Didi, Siobhan.  Bottom three - Katie, Katelyn, Paige.  One of the three will eke it out, but I have trouble saying which.  Katie has the youth vote and the sick gammie sympathy vote, so I'm kind of thinking she stays... It's tough, because going first didn't help her, but Paige went last and left such a terrible impression that it may not matter.  And Katelyn, I'm done done done with.  Out, out, brief candle.

Clamorous! AI season eight finale

Not a recap like normal - SarahK and Tracey have a joint effort on that front - but general impressions from watching.

(Speaking of Tracey and watching - I hear tell that the Beefy Peach won Dancing with the Stars. Congrats, Tracey!)

Adam and Kris with a K (otherwise known as Hal Sparks Jr.), all in white, like the Davids from last season's finale. Then, all the thirteen in white. Ha, even Matt's ubiquitous fedora is white. They look like Kryptonians from the opening of the first Superman movie with Brando. (Hopefully the Phantom Zone will come down and swoop off with Kara.) They all wanna start fight. I think this is a bad idea. Mike Sarver could take the other twelve by himself, I think.

NF: Who's that?
LB: Who?
NF: Pause it. THAT guy, with the curly hair.
LB: That's the first guy sent home.
NF: Oh, yeahhhh.... Whassisface. I didn't even recognize him.

Nice to see Alexa Grace getting so much camera time, considering that she went about five weeks too early.

Hey, that was Carly Smithson? Darn. We skipped the hometown stuff on DVR because normally the hosts are completely intolerable. My bad, folks.

David Cook! My wife is quite pleased. If he formed an Idol supergroup with Bo Bice and Chris Daughtry, we'd pretty much have to follow them around on tours, like Deadheads. "Permanent," a fine song. Why can't Idol write singles like this?

Oh, the Idol Awards.... Hey, it's Pippa's little brother! Wow, some of this was so painful. I'd forgotten most of these dudes. Wild plaid jacket, dude. "American Idol - so easy, a caveman could sing it." And, the mortal lock of this segment, Nick Mitchell. Who is in the audience. Who "isn't prepared." Who immediately strips down to the Normal Gentle getup and rocks out. Actually, he's pretty funny with all of this. I didn't hate it. All is forgiven, Nick. I'm sorry I've been so horrid in the past. HAHAHAHAHA Ryan's got his red headband and giant glasses. Love it. I could totally see this as Ryan's actual sophomore year photo from gym class, in a good way.

Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah... we love the Queen around these parts. Her whole career is pretty much a "Good for her!" from the rapping to the jazz album to the acting to the Maybelline spots to being true to herself. She just seems like a decent, cool woman who just happens to be famous and talented. By the way, the Queen is demolishing Lil here. You can barely hear Lil at all when they go together - maybe she's just mouthing the words now. Poor Lil.

Kris with a K, with Keith Urban... with a K. Or something. It's good.

LB - you know, I actually would be good with either of these guys winning.

For the record - this is HUGE. My wife was a big-time Adam fan, still is, but Hal Sparks Jr. (Ladybug picked up the resemblance) opened the door just a crack... and now he's gone and kicked it down with a winning smile and open-mic vibe. And my wife has much better instincts for this sort of thing. She's always picking out Idols and Hell's Kitchen winners and Next Top Models weeks ahead of time.

Fergie comes out. She's a big girl, who doesn't cry. It's all the Black-Eyed Peas, actually. They're singing - what? Uhm... Hey, nice logo, AI. For fifteen seconds. Way too long just for a cuss word. Someone must have accidentally been flashing the goods to America or something. Or maybe it was those freaky Mummenshantz dudes in the background. They are CREEPY, people. Like the Autons or something. Fail.

Another award - Best Attitude. Alexis Cohen! "Take it! Take it! Take it! I'm going in for actressing!" They should give her this award just for last season's audition. Nope, they give it to Bikini Girl, who was frankly much more annoying than attitudinous. (It is too a word.) Gee, will she be out in a bikini? Of course! And hey, she's had some work done in a predictable place. Looks dreadful. Ladybug turns to me to ask, in horror, "Do guys really like how that looks, when they're that far apart?"

Ryan: "I was going to ask what's new, but I think I can tell." BWAHAHAHA! He is really a great host, especially for a show like this. You almost don't notice everything he brings to the table. Kara comes out to sing the song she destroyed in auditions, and rocks it completely. At least Bikini Girl's jaw is slack. Kara ends by rocking a bikini herself, which could have been a dreadful backfire, but it works. Bikini Girl is completely vanquished. Well played, Ms. dioGuardi.

Alison in a duet. Don't recognize her, missed the announcement out of the room.

LB - [incredulous] CYNDI LAUPER.
NF - oh, yeah. She acts like her, doesn't she?

Forgettable performance. We also skip most of Danny with Lionel Richie, who is dressed like an old, discount Neo. Adam fulfills his glam rock destiny by performing with both KISS and Queen on the same night. Very good, of course. Kris held his own during the Queen bit, dueting with Adam on "We Are the Champions."

Next, a comedian who loves music. No lie, I guessed Steve Martin before he came out with the banjo. One point for me. I heart Steve Martin. Hey, he wrote that song - great. Not surprising, because he is terrific and talented and his "Born Standing Up" memoir is tremendous. Again, why can't Idol have anything nearly that good as that song? "I know it's a long shot, but I hope I win," he says. Heh. I wouldn't protest.

It's Tatiana del Toro winning the last Idol Award, and doing a whole bit with eluding security and singing "Saving All My Love for You" while being chased around stage. All the most annoying people of the show are either getting a little rehab or a severe comeuppance, and I couldn't be more delighted. This is turning out to be a really solid show tonight.

One hundred million votes cast for this. Ye cats. And your American Idol is.... KRIS ALLEN! Winnah, winnah, chicken dinnah. Fireworks in Conway, Ark. They give him a fifties-style microphone trophy, which he can keep on the dashboard of his new Ford Hybrid.

LB - Hey, they gave him a trophy. Do all the other Idols get them now, too?
NF - I think they have to settle for having money, fame, and a career.
LB - You know, I'm really happy for Kris. Adam didn't really need to win Idol to have a career, he just had to do well on the show. Kris did.

That's it for the show until next January - but hopefully, you'll hear more from me here on the blog before then. Just super busy lately. But I haven't forgotten you!

Slash, crash, and burn - AI week of four

Part of the set fell in near the Coke Stools, so Ryan tells us that the contestants haven't had their dry run before the show proper. They're going straight into it, y'all. Each contestant will sing one song rather than two, and there will be two duets. Twenty bucks says that the Carly Smithson/Mike Johns connection gave them the idea. Hope it works out. One point gained already - with six songs total instead of eight, we'll actually hear more than 83 seconds of each song tonight. I'm wondering if Adam and whomever will try "Under Pressure," just so Adam can fulfill his destiny.

Slash mentored, because it's rock week. I think it was lame that neither AI nor Slash himself mentioned that he recorded a song with Chris Daughtry for his album. (Arguably the best song on the whole LP.) I do like that the rehearsal was with Slash and his band backing the Idols in a club. Good stuff.

Adam and Allison will be one duet, Danny and Kris with a K the other. Adam will solo first. Be advised, he has something to prove tonight, and it's rock week. I don't see anybody getting too close. He's doing Led Zeppelin, "Whole Lotta Love." Uhm... wow. Lots of plain old obvious single entendres. And Adam is not exactly Mr. Subtlety. I'd have thought they would make him sing something else. It's not like he can't pull off Plant's banshee wailing, but why not "Heartbreaker" or "Immigrant Song" or "The Ocean" or, well... anything else?

Lord Emo power scream aside, it was pretty good, actually, like B+ good. He'll be fine. Kara calls him a rock god. She's dressed like she was just in a Bananarama video. She's babbling about 70's classic rock, 80's glam rock, and Nine Inch Nails. I think Trent Reznor just threw up in his mouth a little. Simon is of the opinion that this is pretty much the high point of the night.

Allison is perched under the Coke Stools, directly below the half-crumbled bit of the set. Good call, AI! Ha, she went to Adam's "hair girl" for her do this week. So many jokes here... She ruins the fun by suggesting that she wants to do Joplin's "Cry Baby" or Jefferson Airplane's "Somebody to Love." Yes to the second, a huge NO to the first. Grace Slick pronounced her words, m'dear. At all costs Allison should be distancing herself from Joplin, not inviting the comparison. And of course, being 17 and all, she went with "Cry Baby." Complete mimicry. It hurts her in comparison with the real thing, and especially following Adam. Kara thought it was a good idea, but everyone else knows better, even Paula. Randy gave her a "keeping it real" and Simon suggested she should have done Queen instead.

The first duet is Danny/Kris, doing "Renegade" by Styx. I saw this live last year at the Basie Theater, by the genuine article. This is pretty good stuff, though. The harmonies are excellent. Enjoyable.

It's the K's turn. He wanted to do "Revolution." (Funny aside - my iPod player at work drops half the songs out on certain tunes; Hendrix, the Doors, and the Beatles are the most common victims. Today I heard what Revolution would have sounded like without George Harrison. It doesn't do that with the earphones or in the car, so I think it's the docking station itself.) At the last moment he wasn't feeling it so he chose "Come Together" instead. He's hilarious during the jam with Slash, who gives him a guitar so he can play with the band. "I'm using Slash's guitar and he's playing right next to me, I almost peed my pants." Hahahaha!

Performance time. I think he's good and all, though it's clearly not his thing. The judges were a little harder on him than he deserved. (Randy liked the guitar playing.) Personally I'd put him above Allison this week - she could have and should have done much more, considering. Kris got more out of himself than she from herself, but he could be in real trouble, and that's a shame.

Danny's turn. He's singing "Dream On." Mistake. Michael Johns was actually good on this last year (though it's the week he went home, it was bogus - he really was being punished for his "Day in the Life" the week before). Plus, there's an omen in the club jam, when Danny can't get on top of that insane high falsetto at the end. Slash says that last wail at the end is super-important...

Oooh. Oh dear oh dear. This is bad. He's pitchy all over and the last wail is more of a screech. Simon calls it a "horror film scream" and that's about it. Ladybug calls it "a valiant effort." I call it the worst of the night. Simon says he thinks he's safe. Not if there's justice.

It's the second duet - Allison and Adam, performing "Slow Ride" by Foghat. (Chortle.) Seemed a lot more like tow soloists than a true duet, though they're very good rockers. Kara says they made each other better and forced each other to raise their game. I got just the opposite: there's just a difference between a duet and two people trying to outdo each other. In retrospect they were wise to avoid the Bowie/Mercury example, because it would just emphasize that difference. Those guys worked for each other, not strove against each other.

Adam calls Allison "his little sister." (Must... not make... obvious joke... must... resist...) The DVR loses Paula and Simon's comments. The crowd chants "top two" at the pair, and that's probably correct but a little misleading - it's more like a Top One and a distant two/three, with an afterthought. The trouble is, I badly fear that the K is the afterthought. Didn't go last, didn't go first, and despite the name spelling, he isn't the last girl. It's classic middle child syndrome. I really think he was the second best tonight, and has the strongest overall body of work this year outside of Adam. Danny should have cost himself the contest tonight, but Kris is in peril.

Stuck in the middle with Q - American Idol round of seven

Movie music, y'all, with Quentin Tarantino as the mentor. I wonder if he vetoed anyone who suggested that they'd sing something they heard in his movies.

The really short version - the judges are only going in pairs, so the contestants will not hear from half of the panel. Stupid idea. It doesn't really matter. In fact this will be a short post because I'm on vacation with my lovely wife and am enjoying myself too much to get too wound over this.

Basically what you need to know is that everyone sang wretched power ballads like "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" and "Everything I Do, I Do for You." Snoreville. Well, Danny's "Endless Love" was good, and I liked Kris with a K, who looks more like Hal Sparks every minute. And then there's Adam, who smoked "Born to Be Wild." Absolutely killed. There's him, and then there's six other people who are just marking time. Poor Lil. I'm in the minority here, since Ladybug thought it was "aight" and so did our friends - but I think Lil was terrible. Way too many pointless runs, and most of it was off-pitch.

Q was kind of wasted. I wanted to see him in the judges' panel, but with not enough time to let everyone talk as it is, well, no chance. Pity. He was terrific in season three.

The judges apparently used the save for Matt. So we re-do the seven next week. Usually this means they split folks up into two sets of three, and let poor number seven pick which trio is safe. I hope they resist the temptation this time.

Impersonating actual talent - AI results, nine to eight

For the actual snark and performances, SarahK is on the case. I'm just too blitzed right now. But here's the results!

First, the commercial - All Mixed Up, but they kind of like it. I kind of don't. Then the group sing, "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. In some alternate universe, the final nine are singing Mixed Up, and the Ford spot is seventeen minutes of parallel parking.

Someone at the Idols is reading the great SarahK, and they have a segment on the behind-the-scenes Idols. Interesting, but much the lightweight version of what Sarah was talking about in her post. Great segment with them goofing on each other, doing corny imitations of their performances. Super Saiyen doing Matt's "Viva La Vida" was pretty darned funny, as was (surprising!) Anoop's impression of Kris singing "."

Now they are splitting the nine into three groups of three: Matt, Megan, Kris with a K; Adam, Lil, and Allison; Scott, Gokay, Anoop. But enough of that excitement - time for David Cook! Sweet skinny black tie. My man. Singing his newest single, "Come Back to Me." Me likey. He played overseas for the troops - brilliant. They just rolled out a plaque for his debut album going platinum. DC - "I put out a solo album in '06 that sold something like 1000 copies in a year." Says he always cries on this stage. Cool guy.

So 36 million more votes have brought us to this. Kris sang "Ain't No Sunshine," and he's safe. Hi fives all around. Matt sang "You Found Me." I'm guessing there's one of the bottom feeders in each of these three groups... I know, now I'm really going out on a stretch. Anyway, Matt's safe, and Kris immediately goes "April Fool's! Go back on stage!"

Megan is snarking Simon: "I love you but I don't care." Well, neither do we, for you. Ryan sends her to the Eggcups, and she caws her way over. Why? Because she hates us too.

Second group. Lil is safe. Allison is not. That was kind of a given, considering that Adam is standing right there, in all his Lordly Emo-ness. He was compared to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. Don't strike me down, but I think the better comparison is Freddy Mercury. The reason they can't do Queen Week anymore is because nobody can keep up with Freddy - his chops are just too righteous. But Adam has both the voice and the absolute over-the-top commitment to the performance. If he does wind up out early, it will only be because he's indulges himself and sings something that leaves the audience befuddled.

Gokay and Scott are both safe. Anoop takes the third Eggcup, as both he and Randy thought would happen.

Erm... somebody with Fisher Price hair and wearing aluminum foil is playing a giant neon bubblegum piano. Her name is Gaga. She's accompanied by a fiddler. It's a numbuh one reh-courd called "Poker Face." When exactly did this become Neptune Idol? I mean, I can't be the only one puzzled here. She looks like Bjork playing Floston's Paradise. Some guy on stage is having a grand mal seizure listening to this. Wait, now there are three other guys in suits having grand mal seizures in unison while Gaga sings. This is one part bizarre performance art, one part Eurotrash synthpop, one part backwoods hick symphony, and the grand total is 100% awful. Ladybug - "This is crap."

The Idols wait. Anyone worth saving, Ryan asks. Simon: "Only one." Really? "Yeah." HAHAHAHA! Then they send Allison back to safety. Now, that total is zero. Annnnnnddddd.... Megan pulls a bizarre fake "Oh noes" face, which I kind of want to punch.

YES! Megan's out. Kaput. Simon spells it out: "You can't pretend to care, and we can't pretend that we're going to save you, so this is your swan song." Someone in the audience caws at her. She sings herself off in front of the judges: Ryan is bobbing, Kara is clapping, Paula is standing and dancing.... and Simon is casually drinking Coke. I love him with all my heart.

Next week, birth year songs. And we can all breathe just a little bit earlier.

Ain't no montage short enough - AI results

Interesting night ahead: 36,000,000 votes, Ruben sings, Smokey duets with Joss Stone – and Megan was so egregious on “For Once in My Life” that Stevie Wonder himself has decided to take up his own cause. THIS is American Idol.

Medley time first. Allison, Lil, and Megan sing “You Keep Me Hanging On.” The producers have a terrific sense of humor: they give Megan the line “Why don’t you get out of my life, and let me make a new start?” Your lips to America’s ears, sunshine. At least she looks like a normal person tonight. There are two other songs, but it’s impossible to care. The choreography and solo spots are snore-causing, and this is from someone who loves the Motown.

Ford Spot – “Pocketful of Sunshine” – let me guess, they’re gonna drive right off into the picture. Didn’t see THAT coming at all! It’s supercalifordspecificexipobviousis.

Ruben is newly married, and geeks out pointing to the ring on camera. He really is a big teddy bear. The singing was quite fine. Hope the results live up to it.

Adam’s first to stand – after the least suspenseful pause of the show’s history, he’s safe and sits. Matt is safe OH SNAP he’s bottom three. I had it all written up the other way. Complete gobsmack, and Matt looks miffed. Kris with a K then gets his chain yanked by Ryan, but is safe.

Up together, Lil and Mike. Lil gets another chance; Mike takes his well-earned spot on the Stools of Shame next to Matt, who is steaming over this. He will have a good while to steam some more while we get through the entertaining portion of the program: Smokey Robinson and Joss Stone. Joss is buttah, friends; that’s a star right there. Hey presto, Smokey still got it. He sounds barely changed from his heyday. Really terrific duet, very well done.

OK, time to look for our final cut. *cough MEGAN cough* Allison is justly safe. Anoop still looks bored and serious, but he gets to sit back down. Super Saiyen is safe. It’s down to Scott and Megan. Both were among my four contenders but I picked Lil, thus saving her. (The Jinx is powering back up after a bit of a rest.) Aw nertz, it’s Scott. Stinkers. I feared this would happen. Megan looks astounded. If Matt is out, I predict the judges will use the save. (I wish that along with a save, the judges had a strikeout, the ability to banish one contestant.) Randy praises Scott. Matt looks like someone kicked his puppy. (I am loving how annoyed he is with sitting on Reject Row.) Ryan decides it’s cruel to keep Scott in suspense so they send him back to safety. Matt and Mike will continue to squirm.

Wonder time. It’s a medley of his own songs: My Cherie Amour, Superstition, Overjoyed, and something newer yet fairly good… All About the Love? Don’t know the title. He’s doing all right (a little shaky on Overjoyed – his songs are even hard for HIM to sing!) –

UNTIL he decided to yelp “I love you Barack Obama!” for no discernible reason.

I daresay that is the Christian attitude and it does him some credit, but dude, for reals – can’t this be apolitical? Can’t anything be free of it? I don’t care if you love him, or Palin, or Rush, or Franken, or the Lord President of Gallifrey. KEEP IT OUT OF THE SONG. Or wear a button or something, if you must. And…. Uhm…. Are the backup singers actually SINGING “Barack Obama” at the end??? Do I have that right? “Ba-rack O-ba-ma…” or it could be “All a-bout the love, a-bout the love.” I dearly hope it’s the latter. I’ve gone back three times and I hate to say it, but it certainly sounds like Barack’s name is in the lyrics. This is preposterous. I hope I’m wrong. Can’t we go half a day without this pferdkaese?

Matt is still ticked off for being down in the low-rent district, but justice finally prevails. Ricky Bobby is out. He now has to sing himself back in with “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg.” It’s time to take Smokey’s advice – this is your last chance with your woman television show. “I have to sing after Stevie?” Heheheheh. I really like this guy. He’s much better during the sing-off, but he still has to bail on a not-all-that-high note. He is also doing an odd funky-dance, which is endearing like the rest but not professional grade. 2½ tops, my brother, and at least you go out on a high.

Simon is saying “no” on the panel – over and over, in fact, because it looks like the ladies are trying to pull a save out of Paula’s kooshy skirt. “It was good enough!” Kara is heard to wail. (It wasn’t.) Ryan – “We’ve got another show after this...” Hahahahaha, even he’s trying to cut off Kara’s rambling. It’s too late, the DVR has stopped.

But HAH, remember, I have married the Ladybug, whose awesome is well-documented. She’s got Kara’s number, and has also recorded the following program (Hell’s Kitchen, as it happens). We miss about 30 seconds but we do hear that Mike is confirmed out. “I don’t feel like anything I’ve done is in vain,” he says on the clip. “You can’t go wrong by getting better at who you are.” Very sweet, and very wise. He also gets to tour, so you know, good on you, Mike Sarver. Class act, indeed.

Welcome to the Motown Sock-Hop! AI top 10

Simon looks happier this week. Maybe it's because it's Motown instead of Country... or he's laughing at Paula's koosh skirt. Me, I'm wary. I'm armed with the collected Greatest Hits of Smokey, Marvin, the Supremes, Stevie, the Temps, and the Tops. Simon, heh, says, "I'm not looking forward to this, exactly." Cautious optimism, that's us. We're like this.

The Idols got to tour Hitsville, where Smokey Robinson and Gordy Berry personally implore them not to slaughter any of their classics. It's an amazing tour - or at least we get to see the most amazing three minutes of it. Smokey says, "Pretty much every Motown song you've heard was recorded in this studio." Allison - "Papa Was a Rolling Stone?" Smokey - "Right in this room."

Well, they certainly have an embarrassment of riches to choose from tonight, so no more "I lost the coin flip" complaints.

Matt's first. "I never imagined I'd play piano for Smokey Robinson," he says. Yeah, my brain would break if I had to do that. He's going after Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On." He starts alone on the piano and then they pick up the tempo and he jumps up to get rockin'. Started very well but it somehow goes a bit sideways with the full accompaniment. Can't quite put my finger on why. Still good, but there are some off notes. (Nor am I a fan of the shirt/tie/v-neck sweater combo.) Randy likes it, Kara says he's solid and coming out of his shell, Paula likes how he doesn't try to overdo the riffing (quite right), but "you're respectful." It's comfy like old blue jeans, she says. Simon - "You are now one of the front runners in this competition." (But he said the middle was a bit corny. It wasn't just me.) I give Matt three out of Four Tops.

The full performances on iTunes this week will be backed by the original Motown instrumental tracks. In other words - KARAOKE. You're kidding. That is slops.

Next, it's Freddie Prinze III Hal Sparks - er, Kris with a K. He's doing "How Sweet it Is to Be Loved By You." The rehearsal snippet is really great. The performance proper channels a lot of the James Taylor cover, from the tempo to the backup singer's Carly Simon harmony. He sounds excellent, though; a little less on the showmanship but better on the vocal than Matt.

K - not Marvin, not JT.
NF - well, more JT than Marvin. But I agree with her a little on the phrasing. (Alas, I forgot to write down what she actually said about the phrasing, only that I agreed with it. Sowry!)
P - great job, good high-A note at the end, or whatever it was. (HAHAHAHAHA)
S - you're competing well, but you need more self-belief, even how you're standing now. You could be at a bus stop. To be a star you need to be conceited. ("Like Simon!" someone chirps.)

I missed Randy's comment, but I don't care right now. Late, tired, DVR is grouchy. No rewind. 3½ tops.

Scott is "going to the baby grand." Is that like Warner Wolf going to the videotape? First, he has to flee the Coke Toadstools. He's just gotta be me, he says. He's going to take risks without losing the piano. He sings "You Can't Hurry Love." Simon normally hates when the singer grabs a song first done by the opposite sex, but Phil Collins covered this effectively. Rehearsal is way slow. Performance starts the same way, on the chorus, and then sets off. He's arranged it... well... was that arrangement or did he just boof the lyric? He smushed half of verse one with half of verse two. It was probably on purpose, but odd. I like the backup singers out there at the piano. Better in the second half than the first.

P - very enjoyable, like what's in my slurppy cup.*
S - thinks it's the wrong song, the piano sounded "honky-tonk." He's heard it "a million billion times." (Sagan Strikes!) "You're better than that," he says wearily. R agrees, K thinks he messed with the melody and didn't execute. I say 2½ tops.

*I mistyped "slurpy" but then decided the extra 'p' was perfect in context.

Scott says he wants to do a piano/voice piece, no other accompaniment. He also had a different song choice but went back to this. It was "Reach Out and Touch." Simon, immediately - "Much better. Should have done that." Paula, frustrated, says Simon is acting like a six-year old and dives under the table for... uhm... Simon is horrified at this turn of events, and Ryan is like "Uh, we can't show this." She comes back up with coloring books and crayons for Simon. (Maybe he can find a crayon the color of poor Scott's pants.) And when we come back - Megan sings Stevie Wonder. Oh $?#&*^(!^%%e#.

When we return, Paula reveals (ewewew- oh wait, just verbally) that she has an arsenal of kid toys in her Koosh Dress. Kara - "Oh, God." Agreed. I just want her to pass the slurppy cup before we deal with this impending Epic Fail. Smokey has heard Megan's rehearsal, and kindly calls her "original." She's singing "For Once in My Life." Oh, merciful heavens. It knew it wasn't illness, she's doing all the same weird overpronouncing and hitting notes in the key of Q. It's like a dentist's drill boring into my skull. Ugly. Painful. And for crying out tears - how can she look and dress like a normal, pretty woman during the rehearsals and then come out on stage looking like that? The whole outfit is tragic - ugly dress, some wooden toy blocks on a necklace (maybe from Paula's stash), a flower in her hair like Lola from the Copacabana. It's like a thrift store exploded and she simply wore what landed on her. And the singing is WORSE. Simon looks like he wants to flee the premises.

R - train wreck, horrible.
K - should have sung "My Guy." This song dominated you.
P - she looks stunning. [To put it kindly.] But she agrees. Says it was confusing; thought she sang it in too low a key, and then it was in too high a key.
S - whomever is advising you, I would fire. You are in serious trouble.

I told you she should have been sent away. Zero tops. Negative tops, even. DO NOT WANT.

Anoop is next, singing (sigh) "Ooh Baby Baby." Smokey - "Can't wait to hear it!" I love it, he's like a kid at Christmas. One of my songs? Wow, awesome! Ladybug - "Smokey hasn't given a single piece of advice yet, and we're on the fifth person. It's all 'I wouldn't change a thing!'" HAHAHAHAHAHA!

We're off. Holy cow, you know, Anoop is actuall reaching these notes. He took the song down to a great key for him, and he is getting on top of all the high tenor stuff. He saved himself last week and he's making it pay off. He even hit that last high falsetto note. Holy cow. This was not teh suq. In fact it was pretty good.

K - only a very few off notes, you have a skill set, push it more, be creative in the melodies.
P - wow it's tough to sing in front of a legend like this.
S - they do it every week.
P - you're not a legend!
NF - he means the mentors, Einstein.

There's more advice I miss because the Official Puppy decides to audition. There was something about needing to be a recording star at the end, not just a competent performer of musicals. 3 tops.

It's Ricky Bobby Time. Mike Sarver is taking "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" to church; he means he's going to sing it off the cuff. Testify! Smokey actually has something to say about that: "You have a big voice - pound it more. Don't be sweet. This is your last chance with your woman." (Mike should just sing one of his songs. It works.) This is kind of eh. In trying to rough up his voice he's losing his way completely. Odd notes, odd phrasing. Not my style. He doesn't have the voice or the range for a song like this.

P - this was kind of Vegas, sorry. (Boos!) This is hard! You need to drive that song. (She's stealing advice from Kara!) The A-notes were all wrong. (HA - this week's Secret Word is "A-notes." Take a shot!)
S - you can't win with a vocal like that. I couldn't wait for it to end. Forget that rubbish about dominating the songs, just pick something that works for you and sing.
R -not the right song. You're not really an R & B guy. Tried to do too much with it.
K - we need artistry; what can you bring of yourself to the song?

Ricky Bobby isn't tore up about it - "I can turn arown and sang," he says. It's his thing, do what he wanna do. (And hey, no Isely Brothers yet?)

NF - I'm giving him one top, is that all right?
LB - It's OK, I didn't care for it.

Lil is gonna rock out Martha and the Vandella's "Heat Wave." Smokey drops the phone book line on us, and then he and Lil bond over the Detroit experience. Lil just wants to make Martha and Diana and Aretha proud, and even though Aretha's with Atlantic Records I'm sure she appreciates it.

I like the old-school flair of the dress and hairstyle. The actual singing is poor, however. Pitch problems all over, even to my less-than-apt ears. Good energy but the vocal is a great disappointment. Good song choice executed very poorly. She was way better in the rehearsal.

R - should have done a slower song.
K - you should have nailed this song this week. We need more from you. You even screamed a little and you have a powerful voice, you don't need to, you should just sing.
P - disagrees with Randy and Kara, because she's listening to the original on an iPod concealed in her koosh dress.
S - a nice authentic homage - but bad song choice. He suggests "Heard it Through the Grapevine." (I suggest "Nowhere to Run" if she wanted to stick to Martha and the Vandellas.) "You could have had a moment there tonight and you didn't get there. Lest we forget, you're one of the finest singers in this competition."
P - "You could run for President!"
NF - She's not 35 yet. Even Taylor Hicks can't run for President. It's the opposite of the age rules for your program, actually, the program you've been on for more than seven years, in the country you've lived in for six times that long. Two tops for Lil.

Adam's up next, looking like a young Elvis right down to the shiny suit. First, though, the Moheghan Sun hotel and casino would like to rummage through my childhood memories and smash whatever it finds - thanks for Meganizing Toto's "Hold the Line," guys, I'm going right to Foxwoods and you can take a great big flying jump.

OK, at this point, I actually lost my notes, due to circumstances - no, due to my doofusness. Luckily I don't need notes to remember how completely brilliant Adam was. He geeked out in front of Smokey and then sang "Tracks of My Tears." Far and away the best of the night - it's like he was from another planet. Standing O, including from Smokey and Gordy. I'm actually buying the live version on iTunes, and I never do stuff like that. Six Tops and a Temptation. It's not even close.

In a perfectly just world, Megan would be following since she's a dead girl singing anyway. Unfortunately it falls to Super Saiyen Gokay to follow that landmark performance. He's singing "Get Ready, Here I Come," and while it's not bad, of course it suffers a bit in the comparison. Smokey gave him a bit of actual advice in the rehearsal - "You're pausing where the backup singers take over. You should sing those parts too. 'It's all right... It's outta sight.'" Danny agrees with Smokey, and then ignores him during the performance. If I find my notes I'll share the judges' remarks, which at this point had to be compressed. Simon said amateurish, I think. It was nothing to rush out and buy, to be sure. Three tops - I'm trying not to mark the guy down because of Adam's performance.

Allison closes the show - she flubs the lyric in the rehearsal and Smokey warns her to mind the words on the night. She's choosing "Papa Was a Rolling Stone," which is rather a bad idea. The song is seven minutes long, and even if you cut the intro there's a lot you lose. She has to smoosh verses together. She flubs the lyric again ("Talkin' 'bout savin' souls, all the time leachin'... Dealing in dirt, and stealing in the name of the Lord.") She concentrated too much on the line leading into it and lost her place. Her voice is still as good as ever but this went off the rail a bit on her. Heh, Simon graffiti'd a moustache on Paula in crayon! 2½ tops for the song, four tops for Simon.

Bottom three -
1. Megan, Megan, and Megan some more.
2. Mike Sarver is also on the block. I'm torn on the other choice. Allison was already in the bottom three (not quite deserved) so closing the show like this may be big trouble, but Scott and Lil could fill this spot. Heck, I'll choose...
3. Lil.

Na na, hey hey, goodbye - oh, how Megan does deserve it, but she is so clearly horrible that she isn't splitting the odious VFTW block. Probably Mike instead, but if I'm wrong, how right it would be.

(You are directed to high-quality snark here. Click it! Go!)

THIS... is American Idol - the good eleven

OK, dramatic lighting, tense music, really bad wardrobe choices - Adam looks like he fled a Flock of Seagulls tribute band. Simon, on the other hand, looks dressed-down and uh-tuhly bored. Maybe because it's Country Week. Simon loves him his Country Week. They should throw him a bone and sing a country song by a non-country act, something like Squeeze's "Labelled With Love" or "Diggin'" by the Seatbelts.

Oh, it's restricted to Grand Ole Opry House Members. They play an audio bed of THE MAN, Johnny Cash. That may be the highlight of the night, unless this week's svengali, Randy Travis, can share some of his magic twang. "Well, I can tell you 'bout training horses," he tells Mike Sarver. Too late, Kristy Lee was on last season. Well, if Randy can't help, maybe St. Patrick will intercede for the poor audience on his big day. And there's always snark to look forward to! (SarahK's snark is here, if you're so inclined, and you should be, dawg.)

Mike "Ricky Bobby" Sarver, Texas native, is singing something with a whole lotta words. "Don't lose the words, your chances of jumpin' back in aren't great," RT tells him. He doesn't lose the words, but I rather wish he had, just for kicks. The vocals aren't bad but this song has the range of a nose tackle, and he's not enough of a showman to bridge the gap. He looks like what he is - a genuine country boy enjoying a fun song, and while that's good, it isn't bringing me in.

Randy gets booed for pointing out all of that. Kara misses the big notes from Ricky Bobby, but he's glad he remembered the words. Paula disagrees with me and compliments him on the harmonica player - which is kind of like complimenting your computer screen for this post. Simon couldn't understand the words at all. RB - "The country folks did." S - "It may as well have been Norwegian." Says he didn't come across as a star, but as a likeable clumsy guy who enjoys country music. RB - "If we were perfect, we wouldn't need this show!" S - "Good point." Then he gives him a 1.2 out of 10 (ooof); I'd say it was a 4, which is still not great.

Allison's turn. "Don't do too much, just sing with the pipes you got," RT tells her. She rocks out to "Blame it on Your Heart." Much better than Ricky Bobby. Lively, connected to the audience. Kara, trying to replace the "phone book" cliché, says that she could sing the alphabet. I think that she could sing the periodic table. I think they should think of other things to sing that aren't singable in order to compliment singers. (My brain hurts now.) Paula, still in Reverse World, says that she'd like to see Allison stretch and be more vulnerable. Simon thought she may have struggled a touch with the lyrics (Allison: "No."), but "rock-solid" vocally. Randy calls it "dope." Simon calls it "precocious." It's supercaligroovingsingingexpidoprecocious.

Kris Allen - "Make You Feel My Love" - sitting and singing w/o his guitar. (I know, I typed that whole 80-letter word and then dropped an abbreviation for without. And then typed three lines about the whole situation. It's really late, and I'm punchy.) RT says that Kris is a strong balladeer who makes the song his. True that. He doesn't sound country on this at all. It's a great vocal. P says "vulnerable" as a compliment. "Vulnerable" is her Secret Word of the Week. Take a slug of Guinness every time she says it and you can be as loopy as her by the end of the night. S - "terrific." Agreed. "Great choice of song, completely in control." Randy calls him "tender dawg," and that is kind of offputting, you know? Kara makes it four thumbs up.

Lil Rounds has only heard country music on movie soundtracks. Someone buy that girl Ray Charles' "New Sounds in Country and Western," stat. She sings "Independence Day" and wants to "honor the country" [the genre, not the United States] by keeping the R & B back a bit. RT tells her to slow down and she'll be fine.

The pedal steel is a nice touch, but the verses are middling. Chorus is bigger and better, shows off her power. Her outfit looks a little like she's stuck in a dinner napkin at a nice restaurant. R - agrees with me. Boooooo! "Just keeping it real." Lil wanted to show more than R & B, defends her song choice. K - agrees, but props for standing her artistic ground. P loves all things, from vocals to outfit. (Erin go whaaa?) Should have cut one verse to get to the big stuff sooner. S - "Oh, of course." Heheheheh. He calls her "Little" instead of "Lil," gets corrected seventeen times or so, and says she sang like someone requested a song at a wedding, and she sang like a duty, not because she wanted to. "There are a million billion songs," he says. See, Carl Sagan was right.

It's Lord Emo's turn. Yikes, he's got cleavage, which he's trying to hide with a Chevron gas station logo. He is performing a Zepellin-inflected "Ring of Fire." RT is completely flummoxed: "I don't see too many guys with black nail polish." Ladybug and I are howling. We remember Trace Adkins last year in the Celebrity Apprentice finale: "I had t'go buy black nail polish. Not fer mah wife - fer some DUDE." We're cracking each other up by saying "wheat-grass juice" is a heavy country accent.

The song is very odd - but hear me out - I think it worked. Johnny Cash, remember, sang with U2 on Zooropa, and that worked. I think he'd get behind this performance. The vocal was wonderful, especially the wailing high notes, which are darn hard to pull off. I didn't care for the weird gyrating or camera-mugging, however. K - "Adam does country!" Uhm - which country? This wasn't even from our planet. P - "True to yourself as an artist." She steals my Zep reference. Grrrrr. I should Twitter this. S - "Don't go to Nashville. They're all probably throwing their television sets out the window. I thought it was absolute indulgent rubbish." Heheheheh. R - "Nine Inch Nails does country, it was HOT!" Ladybug likes the NIN reference. RT is aghast in the audience, but still gentlemanly. It's a remarkable expression.

Scott McIntyre - "Wild Angels." RT - "I didn't tell him this, but I thought, 'not good,'" when he heard the song choice. This show cracks me up. He also tells Scott to pick up the pace a bit. His lowest notes are barely in reach, but going up on the chorus helps him. Tough to judge, following Adam LeBon like that. I'm going to say not that good, maybe a 5 or 6. P - "Solid, impressive." She's in Cloud Cuckoo Land tonight. She then adds that the piano is a bit of a crutch, it hides him from the audience. Scott - "Could we move it closer?" Hahahaha! S - "That's stupid." P - "That's disrespectful!" S - "You're disrespectful. He's comfortable back there. Elton John stays back there. Should he come out from behind the piano?" He says Scott just needs to choose better songs. "THAT'S disrespectful!" someone tells Simon, but at this point even pause and play was too confusing. He says that to nearly everyone. So do all the judges. Help, I am confoozled. They end by making jokes about Billy Joel/Bruce Hornsby/Ray Charles Week so Scott can sing without the piano.

Alexis to the rescue! She loves country music, and will sing "Jolene." RT approves. (Alexis does look rather like a pixyish, punkish Dolly.) It's a good arrangement but she is behind the music, trying to catch up. Vocals are somewhat off. I do like her emotional connection to the song. K thought it was flat; R thought it was pitchy. P liked it better than they did, because happy slurpy sippy cup. S - "it was a little sound-alike." Alexis - whut? S - "meaning, it sounded too much like who you were singing; forgettable." Sad but true. She should skate on the strength of previous weeks, but this was a misstep. So much for my rescue.

Now it's Super Saiyen Gokay, singing "Jesus Take the Wheel." [Aside - the song kind of annoys me just a bit. Jesus is NOT your chaffeur, He isn't going to just steer your car when you completely bail out on driving.] RT made him nervous and he flubbed the words in rehearsal... repeatedly. Poor guy. You just want to hug the big ol' goof (if you're the Ladybug). RT - "I hope he's close to 100% on the night." Close? "But he has a soulfulness most of us wish we had." RT = true gentleman. But yeah, will Jesus take the mic if Gokay forgets the words tonight?

Gokay's shaky early - he has the words but not the notes. Hits the chorus and the stage lights up, turning him into a blinding pillar of music. Do not look directly into the performance! It's Touched by a Saiyen. It was a terrific finish after a bleh opening. K agrees with me. P disagrees. (Shocka!) "He set the stage early, Carrie would buy the record." Geez, he could set the stage on key, couldn't he? S agreed with P on the vocal: "It's like light and shade, he can't scream from first to last." But he hates the jacket. "You look like you're on a polar expedition. It's 80° in Lows Anjuhless."

It's our first time watching the show on widescreen (we're not home). Ladybug notices that the bottom bar with the call-in number isn't a rectangle, as we've always believed, but has tapered ends. What else aren't you telling us, American Idol?

Oh, goody - Anoop + country. Impending fail.

We swap out for a moment to see Marty Brodeur clinch his record 552nd regular-season win. He makes a big stop with about four seconds left and beats Chicago 3-2. (And we picked Scott Scissons in 1990. I will now dunk my head in a bucket of bleach and ammonia.)

Anoop and RT are both North Cackalackians... same state, different worlds. RT liked his rehearsal. He's singing "Always on My Mind," another song I'm not down with. Gee, thanks, you thought of me, but not enough to honor our love and lifetime commitment. Yeah, romance!

But then the darndest thing happens and the whole show drops into Paula's mirror universe - the vocals are really good. He's doing very well. Plagues, forty days of darkness, dogs and cats living together... P - "Anoop is back!" (Uh, he was NEVER THERE.) S - "From zero to hero." (Oooh, good idea, they should have a Schoolhouse Rock Week!*) "One of my favorites of the night. You took a well-deserved kicking, didn't whine, came back strong, good job." R - "The arrangement was dope!" (Rugglesqwertyvussencrispenrangementdoprecocious!)

Megan's turn. She looks 40,000 times better at the rehearsal. She's singing Patsy Cline's "I Go Walking After Midnight." OK - first off, lose the dress in the nearest landfill. It's unflattering, ugly, scary. Sadly, it doesn't distract from the dreadful, over-pronounced vocals. This was strange and horrible. Those twin hammocks... egad, what a train wreck.

R - liked it. (What?) Mentions that she was sick during the week.
K - liked it AND the outfit. (WHAT??) Mentions that she had the flu. (It must be catching.)
P - liked it AND Megan was in the hospital and back this week. (Is this a Python sketch? What the blazes is happening?)
S - You should have the flue every night, better than last week. (I dunno, I think that cawing would have improved the vocals.) Surprised he didn't up the ante on the sickness and said she walked to the hospital and back, through the snow, uphill both ways.

Matt is singing more Carrie. Paula is smelling Simon's forearm. This whole night is officially spacebug insane. Matt is playing the piano and singing a song I don't recognize. It's a very good arrangement (just lose the strings), great vocal (last note was a bit off). K - amazing; P - "authentuh, authnopoly, authentic, authenticity... you're piercing hearts." S - "You don't get enough credit for your vocals. You outsang Danny tonight. You're like Michael Bublé." (I hope I got the accent right.) R - fave of the night.

My bottom three are Ricky Bobby, Lil Rounds, and HOPEFULLY Megan. The judges were way too kind to her just 'cause she was unwell. Heck, this morning the radio played her version, and then Patsy Cline's original back-to-back... the difference was unmistakeable. "Iya gow waw-KIN.... ayufter mid-nighTTTT!" Errrrrrrrrgh.

* for funsies, how would you assign the songs for a Schoolhouse Rock Week to our eleven contestants? You can leave off the one you think is going home, if you like. (I'm not picking a song for Megan.) Also - extra snark at the Snark Raving Mad, yo.

Don't go, Gentle, into that good night! AI eliminations

“What have we done,” Ryan asks while looking over poor Nick Mitchell. Uhm… you tell me. It wasn’t any voting of ours that put him on that stage. (Timely clip of Randy at Nick’s audition: “OK, yes, whatever!”) This is American Idol!

The judges are appropriately all in black tonight. Ryan tries some bantering about Simon’s tan and he comes back with “Can this be less about me and more about the show?” I feel the bromance, friends.

The group sing is “I Just Can’t Stop,” guys first, girls joining in. I like the arrangement. I have a soft spot for these group gigs. Heh, Nick looks so annoyed at being buttoned down Mr. Normal. He busts out four seconds of Norman Gentle right at the end. Ryan then keeps me through the adverts with the promise of a “hidden audition clip.” It’s someone I don’t recognize belting out “It’s in His Kiss.” Kara does a touch of the backup vocals right at the end, it almost looks unwilling… Bleh. That was an anti-climax.

Then it’s on to the highlights, which would be maybe four or five people. Unfortunately they show all twelve. The first four were a wasteland last night. Misery.

Ryan asks Nick, “If you don’t make it then what can we expect from you?” Nick: “I’m always looking for work.” Heheheh. Nick’s a much more pleasant and likeable guy than Norman, and of course a better singer. Why does he need to put on the act? I don’t get it. Matt Beitzke, our soulful welder, has good answers too. Simon snarks him.

Yeah, so that breaks up the happy portion of our evening. It’s time to see who gets packed off and who gets to sit in one of the Eggcups of Joy. Allison is called up first. Ohhhhh no. Too early. Please cross me up here. Ryan calls Jessie and Matt B up alongside, and this is more promising, since Allison was clearly the best of these three. Yes! She’s in! Big sigh of relief here in Chez Nightfly. Allison’s so flustered she forgets that she should sing and has to be called back. Then after the break she allows that she’s “so friggin’ happy right now!” America’s win streak is up to four.

Kris and Megan next. LB and I agree that this looks like a pair of nos. BUT! Matt the Lesser and Jeanine are also up. This couldn’t be a rare quad Fail, could it? No – Ryan says one is certainly through. Paula says there’s no way to predict the result, so Ryan cuts Jeanine and Matt to help.

Heh, Kara starts rambling and Simon calls her on it.
K – “I’m trying to give some advice; it’s part of what I’m here to do! … I really like you, I think you’re talented.” [Which is praise, not advice – I guess that’s the other part of her job.] “Megan, you could be a big recording artist, blah blah blah, I like kitties, long walks at sunset, and singing backup during the auditions…”
S – “Kara, take your time.”
[much laughter at Chez Nightfly. We really should have invited him to our wedding. “OK, so listen, the first dance was brilliant, but the cake cutting was a boring, derivative mess. Uhtuhly forgettable. It was like some ghastly Elks Lodge initiation. Sowry!”]
K – “Do you ever shut up?”
NF – “Hey, you’re the one running longer than War and Peace, chickie.” Sowry!
K – “Well, I WILL take my time!”
Ryan – “No, I’ll take it from here.” HA! Ten points.

Annnnd – it’s Kris Allen! We’re five for five! Booya! My jinxin’ days may be over at last. Kris is properly humbled and agog. He also rocks the re-sing.

Fast-forward commercials, including the one with Carlton’s dad from Fresh Prince failing all the little children of the world by not letting them be the teachers and leaders when they don’t know anything yet. Then Jack comes on to cleanse the brain.

Sappy recap time – set to “What a Wonderful World.” I am such a pushover for these. We get the three singing cowboys, the Asian Liberace (We’re brothers! Forever!), Clay and Ruben and Daughtry and the Pickle… also the water tosser and a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty. Ah, our Philly friend who’s going for actressing, dropping slo-mo F-bombs all over during the exit interview. I’m surprised they didn’t also show her reprise from this season, when her kinder, gentler side blistered Simon after another strikeout. They also show the huge geeky Clay fan who completely freak-spazzed when the actual Clay came onstage with him.

EEEEEEEK it’s the Hoff! And Sanjaya’s OMAC hairdo. (Evacuate the theater! Sanjaya is going to destroy it!) William Hung. They close with a lot of crying winners and big group hugs. (Funny, Taylor’s the only guy who didn’t seem to have any emotion about winning, just that cornpone grin of his.) All together now…. Awwwwww. And in keeping with that general feeling here’s Brooke White to sing her first single (she co-wrote), “Hold Up My Heart.” See that girl, bare-footin’ along. The song’s decent, a fluffy lite-country number. Very Brooke.

The last five of this year’s contestants are up en masse. Ryan intros my my my Mishavonna, Kai, and Jasmine – skipping over Nick and Adam. (Foreshadowing!) Yeah, my win-streak looks over. The three are excused and Nick’s left with Lord Emo, who shall surely triumph. Ryan stretches it out by asking Simon if he did, indeed, pray that Nick wouldn’t advance. Simon – “For about five or six hours, actually. I hope that God and I have a good relationship right now.” He’s brilliant. Don’t be envious, Kara.

Enough suspense. Lord Emo vanquishes the Jester. “That’s… too bad.” [/walkenvoice] The re-sing is somewhat less annoying but he still mugs for the camera. Maybe Mishovanna can grab a wildcard. (Lisa, you're our winner for this week! Congrats.)

Next up – the cussinest show on television, Hell’s Kitchen! Everyone knows Chef Ramsey’s well-practiced vocabulary, but this year’s contestants take it to a completely different plane of ghetto. They’e a shocking pack of vulgarians. It makes the Sopranos sound like Davey and Goliath.

It takes a village to hold a singing competition – AI eliminations week two

Where else can you find a welder, bartender, font designer, comedian, and emo prince? Only here, says Ryan. Thissssss… IS aMERican Idol!

I have lesser hopes this time, since America got last week mostly (perhaps entirely) correct with Alexis, Michael and Super Saiyen Gokay moving into the Top Twelve. There are some potential disasters lurking tonight. In honor of our font designer I shall assign fonts to each contestant.

Ryan asks the judges if they have any advice. Simon: “It’s too late for advice now.” HAHAHA! “Really – they’re seconds away from singing.”

1. Jasmine leads off with “Love Song.” Her low register is iffy. She’s flatting some notes. At least she’s not the goofy marionette Jackie Tohn was. This would be slightly better without a barking dog in between me and the television. The judges are fairly unanimous – pitchy, bad song choice. Simon gets booed and comes back with “Wait, I just said the SAME THING they did.” True. He adds that she’s two years away (only 17 now), has good confidence, but it wasn’t the best performance or song choice. FONT – Goudy Old Style, a decent serif font you wouldn’t use on a resume.

2. Matt – the Georgia on My Mind guy. Singing Coldplay’s “Viva la Vida,” which I love dearly, so I’m worried. OK… so this is completely bad. He’s too high for the song, too high for his own voice, off-key everywhere, and like so many before him, he’s happying up a song meant to be lower-key and reflective. Way too showy. Fail.
Kara - not your type of song, you’re bluesy. This is the wrong song.
Paula - you’ve fallen very far from Hollywood. You look much more comfortable with the piano.
Simon - verging on horrible, too faux-pop star.
Randy - not your style, dawg…
AND YET they all hope he’ll be back. Not I. That was a waste of time and energy. Begone. FONT – Ravie.

3. Jeanine, who hopes they won’t show the clip of her tripping over the table at the end of Hollywood Week…. Annnnnd roll film! Inauspicious. She may as well say “I hope I don’t pick a lousy song, completely screw up the performance, and get yelled at!” Singing “This Love” by Maroon 5. Train wreck – off-pitch, pointless runs, and she can’t settle on singing the harmony or the melody, so she switches from one to the other.
K – uh… great legs!
S – “That’s how you leave it?” [NF – what else is there to say?] “It was terrible. Wrong song. But great legs.”
R – yeah, the legs are hot, best part of the song was when it ended. [OUCH.] Jasmine says she was trying to get out from under the radar.
K – Overcompensating.
P – it would have been better in tune. [DOUBLE OUCH.]
Ryan – so, based on the comments… how did you prepare your legs for tonight?
Man, when EVERYONE is killing you, it’s best just to stay dead. FONT – Rage Italic, 6 pt.

4. Nick. Sigh. Here we go. Nick, who is 27, wines that Simon acts like a middle-schooler, and that he had to be true to himself by creating a character to be. The Court Jester of Irony, right here. He breaks out Norman Gentle to crush our senses with “I’m Not Going” by Jennifer Hudson. Let’s hope he’s wrong about that, because this is outrageously bad. Terrible outfit, intentionally bad stage gyrations – the voice is nasal and off-kilter. This is ticking me off. He can sing – he’s sucking on purpose and it’s an insult to everyone who gets kicked off while trying their best.
OH. NO. He is MAKING OUT with the American Idol sign. I really wish I were lying. He’s also changing all the lyrics to be about AI. We do NOT have to love him, do we? We can disobey the song? Please say yes, so I can punch him with hammers.
S – “I hope I speak for all America when I say I hope you don’t go through.” BOOOING? What tone-deaf crack heads did they drag into the theater? “Why are your parents looking at me like that?” (Dad is incredulous. He must have been listening to David Cook on his iPod while Norman was performing.) Norman tosses a sassy diss and a karate kick in Simon’s direction. I’m completely annoyed by this whole shtick and have been pretty much since auditions. They should have bum rushed him like they did Ian Bernardo a couple years back. This is the same wretched act. Instead we’ll have VFTW all over him like stink on a skunk.
R – it was entertaining. [Have they all gotten into Paula’s glass?]
K - You wear the same shirt every week just like Simon. We will remember you. [We remember the Hindenburg too. Oh the humanity.]
P – You don’t have a bad voice.
So why did he sing so badly? Isn’t anyone going to call Bravo Sierra on this hack? You know the devil of it is, this is going to work from his point of view, and somebody is going to give him a job entertaining folks for pay. It may be on a camp level, or on a VH-5 “I Am Mildly Interested in the Eighties” special, but somehow someway this jackanapes is will be rewarded for his dis-services. I need to start Lent over. FONT – Wingdings, in flashing neon orange.

5. Allison – only 16 years old, which means she was NINE for Season One. Officially young enough to be my daughter. I will now jump into a nest of hornets. She’ll sing “Alone” by Heart, and uh-oh, this is a tough song choice. Carly rocked it last season. Is anyone going to be even remotely adequate tonight? Off she goes. She’s on-key. Hey, good punch when the song picks up, a tad screechy but this is far and away best of the night so far. First thing I don’t regret hearing. Thank you for getting me off the ledge, Allison.
R – It’s a funny night tonight. [Funny? Funny like a clown? Does this show amuse you?] Finally someone blew it out the box!
K – You’re great, serious chops.
P – You could sing a cliché about singing well, by far the best we’ve heard.
S – Best by a clear mile, it’s like the competition just started. Simon also notes that she had zero personality during the interview segment and then suddenly came alive on stage.
NF – agreed on all counts, and I’ll vote for her. And next time, just have a 24 instead of a 36, okay guys? FONT – Forte: hip, bold, rocking.

6. Kris – the guy with the girl’s name spelling. He looks and sounds like an older Archuleta, right down to the message song, Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror.” Better showmanship. He isn’t offering me any gum. He’s picking up as he goes, pretty good. Best guy so far.
K – back half was much better, but still worse than Hollywood, wrong song. [Booing, both from me and the audience.]
P disagrees and name checks the songwriters, says they’d be proud.
Simon agrees…. With Paula. [Please leave the long pauses to Ryan, I’d have to start hating everyone and remember, it’s Lent – I’m supposed to be improving.] Showed energy, confidence, “the girls will love you.”
R – you did it without the guitar, good job.
NF - Which reminds me – everyone who CAN play and DID during Hollywood are NOT doing so now. Has AI banned instruments for this round or is it just individual decisions? FONT –Eras Demi ITC.

7. Megan – misses her son, sings “Put Your Records On” by hmnnwhoever. Heh, I typed the title wrong at first ‘cause I had my fingers on the wrong keys – it came out “{it Upir Recprds Pm.” That’s as good a description as any other for the performance. She’s over-pronouncing the words. She reminds me of that Four Non Blondes chickie, which is bad news for Megan.
P – right song, camera loves you, relevant, you did everything right. [Except, you know, the actual singing.]
S – started really well, oversang the second half.
Megan – I thought I rocked it.
Megan is mistaken, but Simon has a mental hiccup and says he hopes America votes for her, “but the vocals could have been better.” Aren’t vocals the point of a singing competition? It usually is when the judges want to rip someone.
R – love the smoky jazz vocals. [That was so smoky they should have evacuated the theater.]
K – you’re a packaged artist, with the right song and video you could be very viable. [As long as someone else does the singing.] FONT – Curlz MT.

8. Matt the Welder – “If You Could Only See” by Tonic.” This is a Ladybug fave. You know, it’s hard to listen and take notes when the Official Puppy is jumping, yipping, and trying to eat the corner of the coffee table. BRB. OK…. “You know, true love,” Matt says. “I like that.” Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the woild. It’s a low-key performance, but first-rate vocals. Spot on. I’m really liking this. Kris was the better showman, Matt the better singer.
S – I really like you, absolutely hate the song. [huh?] I’m frustrated, it looked boring. [What happened to the vocals?]
R – you needed a better performance.
K – we all like you, didn’t show us any side of you… and you can really sing! [Gee, thanks for noticing the singing in a singing competition! Glad we added your services, Kara.]
P – not a note out of place. BUT… and so on. They are killing this guy right in front of his wife and kid, to whom he was singing. Look, I get that this was a dull stage performance but it was an excellent vocal on a night where such things have been sorely missed. FONT – good old reliable Lucida Sans.

9. Jessie – the second chance girl, brought back in when a successful contestant’s prior record deal got her DQ’d. Singing “Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes. (Written by Jackie DeShannon – see, I can name check too!) Interesting song choice, since Carnes has a ragged voice. She won’t have to knock out the vocals to sound good. She does, however, have to NOT mumble. Oh well. Just not good enough. How can you mess this up? She’s not even using the full range of the song, just dropping it all to one octave.
R – OK, cool song, but just another performance. Like a five-note range.
K – this is your best look, interesting to watch.
P – identifiable sound, unique phrasing. [In other word, she mumbles. Even Joe Cocker doesn’t mumble this much.]
S – forgettable. “Too cool for school; people aren’t going to jump up and vote for you.” Simon’s back on my Christmas card list.
R – Simon actually agreed with me, though he didn’t say it. [Funny how they all boo and mock, and then brag when Simon agrees with them. He’s the dope, kiddies, don’t doubt it!] FONT – the illegible, boring Gill Sans MT Extra-Condensed Bold.

10. Kai – “What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted?” They get voted off the show. He held the final note wonderfully. Probably outdid Matt the Welder, though it was a straight and very old-fashioned performance. Judges agree. Simon – “You’ll make an excellent backup singer.” FONT – Courier.

11. My my my Mishavonna. She was cut from Hollywood last year. Leads off her second go with “Drops of Jupiter” by Train. Oh, it’s that “eh-hey-ee-yay-ay” song. She is unfortunately over-emphasizing the ay-ee-yays. But the rest is pretty good. She’s sneaking into my top three. Funny, this was like the reverse Allison - very winning in the interview, and then very staid on stage, but the vocals are just about there. If she can connect those vocals to her personality while singing she will blow away most of the people here.
P – sang well, you can SING, but you’re not exciting me.
S – agreed, but why so serious? “Something about it left me cold. You act like a fifty-year-old.”
R – song is cool but you feel so much older than 18.
K – you’re very put together… loosen up. You’re a really good singer so shake it out.
Ryan goes over and gosh, but she’s tall… or Ryan isn’t, perhaps. Her personality is back, though, during the chat. I hope she gets through so she can show us what she can really do. FONT – Trebuchet, but with a possible upgrade to Rockwell Bold.

12. Adam, Lord Emo, is closing the show. He’s been doing musical theater since he was ten [SHOCKA!]. I don’t think he should have beaten out the guy he sang off with, so I’m already biased, y’all. He’s singing “Satisfaction” by the Stones, and let me show you that I’m willing to change – I think this is a great choice, he’s quite Jaggeresque. I like the arrangement. Good start with the slow burn and the big kick-off. (Ladybug – he’d make a great Hedwig in “Hedwig and the Angry Inch.”) Alas, his performance is degrading. It’s like he knows he started well and is getting self-conscious and showy. Way overdoing it. Since he’s last, however, he may well overshadow the other guys who were better overall but not as stage-practiced.
P – I’m watching the Adam Lambert concert, you’re in a league of your own.
S – I’m finding it difficult. Some parts were excruciating, but some parts were brilliant. [Ah, sanity. Thank you, Simon Cowell, for making us laugh about bad singing. Again.]
R – loved it, you’re very current – he name-drops Robert Pattinson.
LB – see? He looks like he could be an extra on Twilight.
NF – don’t some extras get killed in the opening act? [I’ll be in trouble for that one, home and in blogworld.]
K – outrageous vocal technique. Who has a range like that?
NF - Range? He screeched the high notes. Lord Emo plays it very cleverly and builds off the Pattinson comment, says he loves the Twilight books. Panderer. FONT – Matura MT Script Capitals: it looks good but it’s hard to find a really good use for it. Or maybe one of those old-timey Ren Faire standbys.

Quick recap runs… stop the pain… HA! It cut off before Lord Emo. LB – oh yeah? I’m downloading his song with the gift card YOU bought me. (Touché. As always, I’m not going to win on this.) We agree on Allison and Mishavonna, but of course sharply split on the guy. She’s all about Emo the Pander Bear, I’m waffling between Kris Allen and Matt Beitzke. The thing is, I’m not nearly as big on Twilight, so why am I the one annoyed that he’s exploiting Ed and Bella’s rabid fan base for personal gain? I’m not falling for this swinging baloney.

What do you think?

Water cooler BONUS!

One thing Ladybug and I got to do before going on our vacation was a little trip to Atlantic City to see... wait for it!... American Idols Live!

We'd heard that the Idols usually come out a few hours before go time to post for photos and whatnot, so we got down there plenty early. Unfortunately, the Idols themselves did not, so we were stranded on the boardwalk for a while. It was a little crazy out there. I amused myself with trying to discover the casino exit that Fast Eddie Felson used after being eliminated in the nine-ball tournament in the Color of Money. I didn't remember the name of the casino, and they are all so different now, though there are stil hints of the shabby 70's and 80's peeking through the new pastel and neuveau chic everywhere.

Instead we wound up having dinner at the Irish Pub on St James Avenue. I would have bought everything David Archuleta ever sings if they had teased Carly about it on stage, but happily, nobody was familiar enough with the area. Going there is definitely worth it. Get this for an appy: cheese cubes, thick-sliced pepperoni, crackers, and a ramekin of spicy brown mustard for six bucks.

The walls are lined with neat stuff, some of it the typical Approved Oirish Blarney™, faith an' begorrah an' St. Patrick droivin the snakes from th' Em'rild Oisle and such - but some of it fascinating. We sat next to a very long photograph of a beauty pageant from 1926. It turns out that it was the Inter-Cities Beauty Pageant, which eventually became THE pageant, Miss America, held here for many many years. Ms. America 1925 was in attendance, standing next to the master of ceremonies, alongside such notables as Ms. Spokane, Ms. Canarsie (really!), Ms. Toronto, and Ms. Utah. This shot is not the same one we saw, and I don't think it's as good: you can't read the sashes as easily.

From there we went to Boardwalk Hall, where a large sign prohibited picture-taking, audio and video recording, dageurotypes, woodblock engravings, and anything that could be used as a weapon. (Silly me, I put the camera in the car, and was treated to the sight of three thousand different flashbulbs going off every seven minutes.) Before we could get in, however, I endured the crush of Tween America to get a tourbook and a David Cook picture for the Ladybug.

Oh, and there was singing. Counting down from 10 to 3, everyone got three songs; the Davids got four each. There were also a couple of group sings for kicks - though in the tourbook, David Cook said that his least favorite part of AI was the group numbers. (Heheheheh. Get off my stage, hippehs!) My least favorite was the creepy Pop-Tart mascot wandering the floor. Neither crazy nor good. The venue is good though. Holds a good number of people, has a wealth of old-fashioned touches (especially the huge ceiling), and they kept the hockey boards along the sides to separate the floor seating.

10 - Chikeize like Sunday morning - went very R & B with his set. The first song was the one where he said "You know my name is Chikeize" (and he did it that way live, too) but I forget the name of it. The other two were also good. He hit one VERY high note that seemed even to surprise him. And yes, he was wearing one of the many velvet jackets, though it was a muted color and not the One Top outfit from earlier this year. Verdict - very good.

9 - Ramiele - oh, the poor thing. Whatever IT is, the thing that turns one from a talent into a performer? She just doesn't have that. She has the pipes but she just looks uncomfortable on stage. She isn't really walking around any better, which is bad since this stage has a walk-out area in the middle and both wings, PLUS an overhead behind the band accesible from all three sides. She sang "I Want You Back" by the Jackson Five, and it was kind of stilted. Then she tried to handle "Love Will Lead You Back" by Taylor Dayne (Jersey Girl!), and it was a little big for her. I didn't really care after that, so I don't know the last. Sowry! Verdict - poor.

8 - Michael Johns - big cheers. As they put him up on the screens behind the stage, the band started in with "We Will Rock You" and the crowd flipped out. He rose up on an elevator to the elevated section of the stage (cool) in a big rock star pose and belted out part of this song before going right to "We Are the Champions." He stuck with the greatest hits theme, going into "It's So Wrong but It's So Right" and closing with "Dream On." He introduced that last with "This is the song that got me kicked off Idol. Randy Jackson didn't like it, but Randy isn't here tonight..." Roar from the crowd. Love it - though technically speaking, this is just the song that he sang his last week. He was really kicked off for his bizarre "A Day in the Life" edit, it just took an extra week. Anyway, he did his slow bobbing around deal, and sang really well, and looked as much at home as Ramiele looked lost. This is why I had him top four originally. Verdict - rockin'.

7 - Carly - sounding not quite as Oirish as usual. Still wearing dresses that make her look like a short person on top of a tall person's legs. Oh, and she can still sing the absolute stuffings out of everything. Opened with Evanescence, "Wake Me Up" (I think that's the name), and won my Ladybug's heart forever. It didn't hurt that she looks a lot like the singer from Evanescence, nor that she blew the doors off the thing. Then "Crazy on You" and "I Drove All Night," to the full-bodied approval of all in attendance. Top four performance. Verdict - turned up to eleven.

6 - Kristy Lee Hoedown - She is embracing her country self, and I admire that. I believe that two of these three were originals, actually, sandwiched around "God Bless the USA," but I won't vouch for that. (Anybody know a song called "Cowgirls"?) Some of the crowd sang along with the chorus to God Bless the USA, and it got a little dusty in the arena. She did a little of the Invisible Horse but otherwise solid work. Verdict - yee-haw.

Oh... there was a group sing in there as well. I'm really dropping the ball as far as set lists and all, but I couldn't really take notes in the dark and the loud and the jostling and FLAYVIN. Besides, pen and paper were probably forbidden too. It was an Idol Gives Back thing, I know that. Carly and Mike Johns carried over the simpatico they had in the songs during the show.

5 - Brooke - she rose up from an even larger elevator in front of the band, on the lower level, seated at a piano. Wow. So that's a stage that could double as an exercise track, with two working elevators, all the band's gear, some contestants' own instruments, three large screens, eleven smaller mobile screens, lighting, rigging, and a giant Pop-Tart costume. The roadies are awesome. Oh, yeah, singing... Brooke opened with a decent "Let it Be," (barefoot, natch), then let the piano sink away while a crewman handed over her guitar. One of the others was called "Yellow," and darned if they didn't soak her in yellow again, like they did for "Here Comes the Sun." Bad times. Verdict - ok, kind of forgettable.

Intermission. I got to watch the Guitar Hero commercials. It reminded me of two things. One is that I wish they'd used my idea for the Round of Three commercial - David Cook and David Archuleta singing "The Girl is Mine"a la McCartney and Jackson, with Syesha taking a verse to scorn them. (C'mon, you can hear the Crown Prince saying, "I told you, David, I'm a lover not a fighter.") They bicker away while Syesha gets into the Ford, and then... "I don't believe it!" The camera pulls back to reveal that Jason Castro is in the car with her, cheerfully singing "The girl is mine, mine, mine" as they drive away. This would have been PERFECT.

Second thing, I looked up to make sure I'd remembered it right, and I did. From the nine-to-eight post, regarding the pickup basketball commercial:

The commercial made me laugh out loud, but at them, not with them. Song was a dud, singing was a dud, and they wouldn't have a prayer of winning a pickup game against those guys if they all played at once.

Playing nine on five
What a way to take a beating
They're just running by
It's all dunking and repeating
We've just lost the game
Sixty-seven against zero
We should have stayed home
Playing "Guitar Hero"

And what did the Davids play on the screen during breaks? You guessed it, bubbelahs. I want my royalties NOW.

Also during the intermission, a really bad Guitar Hero contest between some dude with tats and a hairdresser from LA. Neither man even tried to play, based on what we're watching on screen. This is a serious Guitar Hero contest? I did better the first (and only) time I ever played. Boo.

Finally, two perfectly cute grade schoolers in an air-guitar contest. They were both better than the GH dudes, too. Lots of sweet moments - the younger kid is fighting the MC's forced "we're all super cool" cheer, and I love him forever for it. They each got a home version of GH, leading to the older kid saying sadly, "But I don't have a PS2." Heheheheh. "Target's open 'til eleven," chirped the host. Now, I love me some Target, but dude? Seriously, Mom's not going to Target, and will now curse your name and parentage for months.

We come back from break. 4 - Jason Castro - opened with the uke version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, complete with mangled lyrics. (Come on folks. I know that's how the big guy sang his version, but you're allowed to sing it in his style and get the words right.) Did "Daydream" by the Spoonful, and then... NOT "Hallelujah." Ladybug just took him off the Christmas card list. Verdict - like, mellow.

3 - Syesha - wearing a dress that seems much more modest than it really is - it's all there but it's all made of thin clingy wispy stuff - and thin-yet-large hoop earrings. A bundle of contradictions. The singing went well, though. "Umbrella," (pronounced with seven syllables in the song: uh-oom-bu-reh-ell-uh-ah) and then a Beyoncé tune and a song I don't recognize 'cuz I don't listen to the cool kids' music. Very natural on the stage. She sounded great, looked very happy. Verdict - top four.

2 - Crown Prince - the squealing for this reached such levels that every dog within two miles must have tried to hide under a couch. Is it too late to get the Asian Liberace out here? I mean, it's taking a while to bring him on. He's using the center elevator - is he bringing the piano too? I mean, he played it for all of five notes during the entire year.

Ladybug: they lit up the smoke machine.
'fly - no, they just lit up Jason Castro.

Up through the haze rises Archie, and yes, he's at the piano. The way it's angled I don't know if he's doing much. Everyone in the band is also going. It does keep him from offering me gum, however. He sings four songs. The first two I kinda recognize, the last two are "Stand By Me" (excellent, actually) and a Josh Groban tune (kept up pretty well). Had to turn down some gum at the end, but I'm sure he didn't notice since he closed his eyes with feeling the whole blergin' time. Great voice, but not a lot of stage presence. Verdict - syrupy yet good.

The squealing resumed, only double, at least. Hm - maybe we have the real reason Cook prevailed over the forces of Tweendom. He got their votes too! These kids probably dialed Archie AND Cook 5-10 times each, only all the moms only voted for Cook and the poor Crown Prince was bulldozed. Kid, you were set up.

1 - David Cook - came out like a rock star, and yanked out his earpiece about six seconds into the set (maybe it was a malfunction). I wonder if this factored into the performance, which was not that good. It's the reverse of the final, actually; now it's Cook singing nothing but stuff he's done already. "Hello." Much better the first time. "Time of My Life." Obligatory, and he was gracious in thanking everyone for making it successful, but "Dream Big" is a better song. "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." Except this song. Not a favorite to begin with, and he could have sang his excellent "I'm Alive," or his excellent "Innocent," or his excellent "Day Tripper," or etc. etc. Lucky for us, Ladybug brough the iPod and she bought everything he did on the show, plus most of the singes.

Then he did a song that he dedicated to his brother, called "There Goes My Hero." Sounds repetetive. Not enjoying it. His heart's in the right place but his music was not getting there for me. (Ugh, I've turned into Randy Jackson. I hate myself so much right now.) Finally, he encores "Billie Jean," and of course he had to, considering the boom this song gave him originally. Pretty good. Verdict - acceptable.

Actually, to elaborate: Verdict - he wishes he were somewhere else. I know he's grateful and I know he loves his brother. Those are real things. But equally real, I think, is that he wants to finish an album and tour with an actual band and sing all his own stuff, and not have to race through a truncated routine so that the Awesome Roadies can dismantle everything and schlepp it to the next town. It's like he's just about ready to say "Bag this, I'm cranking out some nine-minute Metallica track." He just feels the tether - he's a little impatient with the limitations imposed on the contestants of the show, and it shows through a little bit, just like it did from time to time on the show. Simon scolded him for that and he's got a point. Part of being a polished professional is selling what you're doing full-tilt. The audience gets that you're being limited but they still deserve the best you can give.

Even without an album, Cook did enough on the show to put up a credible half-hour or so of great music; he could also break out a few songs he didn't do on the show, like some of the others did. He should work harder to keep it fresh for himself.

There's an encore - "Don't Stop the Music." Everyone comes out, even Mr. I Hate Group Sings. Lots of fun. Overall, a fun night and a decent concert.

Top Three - Carly, Chikieze, Michael.

Bottom Three - Ramiele, Brooke, and Jason. (Sorry, man. Should have sang Hallelujah.)

PS - true fact: on the way out of the arena, I stepped on some gum. Archie's revenge.