Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Unfrozen caveman voter

My friends, I'm just a simple caveman. Your modern machines confuse and frighten me. Your alternate media and grassroots citizen punditry upset me. It's all I can do to bitterly cling to my primitive faith system and magic bang stick in today's uptempo world of iPhones and taxpayer-funded corporate buyouts.

I don't know much about your world, but I do know one, simple thing... and that is that we must vote for our betters in this election:

Now, I want to be clear and speak directly to those of you who LOVED that Palin interview. You're an idiot. I mean that. This is not one of those cases where we're going to agree to disagree. This isn't one of those situations where we debate it passionately and then walk away thinking that the other guy is wrong but argued well. I'm not going to think of you as a thoughtful but misguided person with different ideas who still really cares about the country and the world. No, sorry, not this time. This time, if you watched those interview excerpts and weren't scared out of your freakin' mind, then you're mentally ill, mentally disabled, or mentally disturbed. What you are NOT is responsible, informed, curious, thoughtful, mature, educated, empathetic, or remotely serious. I mean it. ... Vote for someone smarter than you.

Clearly, to fail to do so - to intentionally decline to be led about by the hand like the mentally-shrivelled moonshine-chuggers we are - is to insult these great and elevated thinkers, who have so generously come down from being on high to shepherd us poor puzzled Jesus-yokels.

We should be grateful that they want to tax us into oblivion and take all of our rights. We'd just waste the money and freedom anyway! And it's a privilege to be paid any attention at all by such gods among the earth.

We are not worthy. Really, just ask them, they won't sugarcoat it for us. And thank our culturally-created God for it!

(hat tip to IMAO, where I lived up to this post by initially not believing that this could actually be written with a straight face. Well, yes it can!)

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