Saturday, November 05, 2005

The NFL Channel


"This is HBO. Tonight on the Sopranos, Vinnie and Curtis invite Antonio, the powerful West Coast capo, to a private function, little suspecting that he's packing superior firepower for the occasion. Who will come out on top in the ensuing battle?"


"So, what do we have?"
"This is a real doozy, boss. These two teams decided to slug it out right here in the stadium. Both dead."
"Hmmm... I don't think they killed each other. Look - right there - see those offenses? See how stiff they are? Notice the lack of blocking?"
"No QBs, either. I saw that."
"These offenses were dead before this game ever started."
"So they didn't kill each other. Who did?"
"Probably the fans. I think this one dropped first, though."
"I guess you could call that a Vikings win, then."
"Yeah. Not much to celebrate about, is it? Just call it self-defense and move on, the four-o'clock games are starting soon."

What can Browns do for you?
We can move your national and international shipping, on-time, to 87 countries... track any of the seven million packages in our system at any time... and offer prompt, courteous service through any of our stores and drop-off centers. However, we can't deliver a football 100 yards in 60 minutes.
Trust Tenn-Ex.


"We now return to Masterpiece Theatre..."
Once upon a Sunday dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many quaint and curious playbooks of forgotten lore
While I pondered, much desponding, suddenly there came a clomping,
As of someone clumsy-plodding, plodding 'cross the stadium floor.
'Tis some rushing back,' I muttered, ' vainly trying to make a score -
Such is life in Baltimore.

"In this dramatic re-enactment, George Armstrong Custer, here played by Norv Turner, orders his defenders to pursue out of the sight - and the safety - of his home base. Once in Kansas City, the Chiefs use a pincers strategy, attacking along the ground and through the air, to overwhelm the Raiders despite their firepower. An overwhelming Chiefs rout ensued.
"Next week on History Channel - Super Bowl XXII analysis with Howie Long and Lord Boddington Hartwell-Smythe."

"Now, you see, Andy, I say the Saints can win this one."
"No, Medavoy - Aaron Brooks is involved. That means bad passes and poor decision-making against a tough defense. That means turnovers. That means no points."
"But Andy, Chicago has no offense either. Young quarterback on the road?..."
"You want to put money on this?"
"I'm not comfortable with that... Let's make it a mind bet. Fifty imaginary dollars on the Saints."
"How about twenty real dollars on the Bears?"

And the frequent flubs and sacking of the purple quarterbacking
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, with game time fleeting and the offense fast retreating
Called I to my book, entreating, 'Give odds on the halftime score -
Two-to-one,' I called entreating, 'that they make a field goal more -
Just those odds, and nothing more."

"Animal Cops - Florida"
Last week's opponent proved to be of great benefit to the Carolina Panthers. But before they can return home, game wardens bring them to Tampa for a thorough examination by top experts.
Dr. Bradshaw - "These are healthy cats. They look terrific. We test them by sending their receivers out for a variety of patterns, and you can see that the results are right on target. They'll have no trouble catching prey."
The news is not as good for the Jaguars. After looking good in previous tests, their kicking problem has flared up, and veterinarians are forced to give them much softer opponents to get them back on track.
"I think that the Panthers and Jags will both be fine for this week, at least. Hopefully they can make it through the season and well into January."

They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning
No one, you see, runs better than he,
And he plays for, plays for, plays for the Falcons,
No flipper is he, but a running QB...
"Uh, Pop?"
"Yeah, Son?"
"We've got a problem. Flipper can't catch people running on land."


Then the head coach, arm-crossed, frowning, sent my visage into scowling
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance he wore.
'As thy team is slowly losing, thou,' I said, 'are surely choosing
Where to send your résumé for employ on the further shore -'

Meanwhile, Eli Manning and his G-Men speed toward Mike Nolan's San Francisco hideout!
"Everyone knows where the end zone is, Mr. Manning. The question is, what are you prepared to do? When you throw incomplete, they have to throw an interception - they put up a field goal you put up a touchdown - that's the Chicago way!"
"Uh, well, it's not really the Chicago way this year..."
"You've got a point, man..."
"Don't worry, we know what to do with these guys. We're the G-Men, baby."

And the Ravens, barely hitting, still are sitting, still are sitting
Just beyond the forty-yard line, facing third and twenty-four;
Surely Billick called a run play, surely Cincinnati's Sunday
Shall be happier than the fun day Paulie knocks upon my door;
Then with mis-hinged thumbs shall I lie, moaning, on the floor -

Because I picked Baltimore!

"OK - tell me what you don't like about your team."
"Well, doc, my best receivers are hurt, my running back is hurt..."
"My head coach sleeps standing up on the sidelines."
"I feel like I'm in some fever dream - my throws sail on me and I can't tell where the line of scrimmage is."
"Well, here's what we can do: we can tighten up your line a little and give you more protection here; maybe bring the receivers on shorter routes, throw some timing patterns, get you in a rhythm. But I have to warn you, Brett - you're still 84 years old."
"Look, doc, I just need enough to get me through the year..."
"Of course. I can help you. But it won't get you a win this week against the Steelers."

"Next week on 'Lost,' Kurt deals with the constant frustration of going from city to city, yielding in mid-year to younger quarterbacks who have success; Dennis fights desperately to protect his baby running backs; and will the young receivers reappear? Will the Cardinals ever be rescued, or is this some Cris Carter deal where the writers put themselves in the corner and can't resolve their plot lines?"

"Hello, this is On-Star, how can I help you?"
"I need to report an accident!"
"OK, I show your location as Rutherford, New Jersey..."
"That's right - I'm driving the Redskins bandwagon, and suddenly the wheels flew off and we went smashing upside-down into a tree."
"Are you in immediate danger, Mr. Gibbs?"
"Well, the tree caught fire and fell on us."
"I will send emergency services right away."
"Wait - I can see something coming now... It's the Philadelphia team bus! We're saved!"
"You're welcome, Mr. Gibbs. Have a pleasant evening."

PM - "Hahahahahaha! Man, this stuff is great. Did you see this, Marvin?"
MH - "Yeah, man. Yeah."
PM - "Edge?"

EJ - "Y'know I don't go in for that crap, man."
PM - "Well, your loss."
MH - "C'mon, you don't think it's that good?"
EJ - "Better than watching Spurrier beat Tennessee AGAIN."
PM - "Oh, haha, Edge."
"Hey - what are you guys doing in here channel-surfing? Tony says kickoff's in twenty minutes!"
PM - "Ummmm..." ... ... "...can I watch 'Desperate Housewives' instead?"

And a programming note - the Hive's 3,000 visitor stopped in a few hours ago, from South Africa! A great wing-tip to Muley's World for the referral.

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