Thoughtcrime revisited

Maybe my tribal name is Beats a Dead Horse, but here we are again today - ESPN's Bomani Jones:

Wednesday night's game between Illinois and Michigan at Assembly Hall in Champaign will be emotional for some. Halftime will be the last time that Chief Illiniwek will dance as the the Fighting Illini's official mascot.

Dan Mahoney, who portrays Chief Illiniwek, believes "[Tonight] is going to be very tough for a lot of people." Ahhh, but those people should keep their eyes on the bright side -- at last, Illinois will move into the 21st century!

If Mahoney only knew how wonderful things are in the present. Does he know that in the 21st century, people are able to connect to the Internet without having to plug cords into their computers? Shoot, pretty soon cars might even pop up on campus that use gas and electricity and get about 60 miles to the gallon! And wait until he and his fellow Illini find out about this HDTV thing. They'll be able to read the players' tattoos without getting courtside seats!

But wow, it's a good thing no one will see Chief Illiniwek in HD after Wednesday. I'd imagine that crystal clarity would make it obvious what Chief Illiniwek often was -- a white kid dressed in feathers and using a stereotype of Native Americans in the name of entertainment.

Save the arguments that Illiniwek was intended to honor the state of Illinois' Native American heritage for someone dumb enough to believe them. As Ron Froman, the former chief of the Peoria Tribe of Indians of Oklahoma (the closest living descendents of the Illiniwek Confederacy), said, "I don't think [Chief Illiniwek] was intended to support us, because, they ran [us] out of Illinois."

Finally, Chief Illiniwek has been run out of the Univeristy of Illinois. Welcome to the present.

I've printed the whole thing because it's on Page 2's main intro for today, and since that gets updated every afternoon I don't think there's any sort of permalink. It's nice, of course, to see a shorter-format essay, not so nice to see the contents.

1. "Moving into the 21st century." It's a favorite theme to quote calendars in support of the truth, and to say that one's opponents are stuck in the past. Sometimes, it even makes sense. In this case, I'm not certain, since the scorn comes fast and heavy - hi-def TVs! Wireless internet! As if technology somehow changes what is or is not true. Look, if Illiniwek is insulting, he's insulting - and would be whether or not we still all rode horses and sent telegrams.

2. "I'd imagine that crystal clarity would make it obvious what Chief Illiniwek often was -- a white kid dressed in feathers and using a stereotype of Native Americans in the name of entertainment." It's true that the kid in the outfit was usually not Native American. And I seem to remember that the leprechaun mascot of the Fighting Irish was once black without the whole Emerald Isle marching on South Bend in their umbrage. The race of a person is wholly unimportant. It does not matter that Illiniwek was often performed by a non-Indian. Think about it this way - this white kid was proud to represent a Native American image - he felt a connection to the ideals that Illiniwek was created to represent. He had risen above ethnic ties to embrace a common humanity. And the feathers and the dancing were researched thoroughly, so whatever else one may think, this wasn't merely a caricature or stereotype, but as authentic as could be discovered.

3. "Save the arguments that Illiniwek was intended to honor the state of Illinois' Native American heritage for someone dumb enough to believe them." Mr. Jones, meet the people dumb enough to believe them - the people who helped create Chief Illiniwek 81 years ago. That actual tribes were driven from the state is true and regrettable - would we prefer to forget they ever existed on top of that? Would we prefer to know nothing of them and their philosophy of integrity, as represented by the name Illiniwek? "They spoke a dialect of the Algonquin language and used the term 'Illiniwek' to refer to the complete human being -- the strong, agile human body; the unfettered human intellect; the indomitable human spirit."

4. "Welcome to the present." Unfortunately, the present often sucks. Consider the pay-for-grades, booster kickbacks, thug culture, and general arrogance and entitlement rampant throughout many of the NCAA's flagship programs. I mean, Lamar Thomas cheered on the UM-FIU football brawl from the broadcast booth - ON THE AIR. (There was a reason for all those "Catholics vs. Convicts" t-shirts they used to sell.) There's the wonderfully tactful remark Steve Spurrier made while head coach of Florida, regarding Tennessee's inability to beat the Gators: "You can't spell Citrus without U-T." Great example, there, ballcoach. I see that example followed all the time - teenaged roller hockey players acting like they're immortal talents (and immortal jackasses) after scoring goals in rec league games, for crying out loud. Chief Illiniwek sets a far better example and represents a far greater ideal than most of the NCAA can boast, and instead of a reflexive condemnation based on mere appearances - "He wears feathers! It's a Native American! Hostile!" - we should take the time to do a little reading and consider that there could be something positive to be learned.

Now, the moment that you point this out, someone will hurry to talk about how the good old days weren't really a golden age, and that there's good and bad in every time. True - and another argument against using the calendar to approve or disapprove of someone's behavior.
...

Gratitude

A genius post from Ricki... A fine description of the casual ingratitude of everyday life, the constant feeling of being aggrieved, all stemming from the far-overgrown entitlement some feel is their birthright.

It shouldn't be amazing that a people who are losing their sense of a God above them think that everything else is beneath them. Still, I do find a heavy helping of irony in Ricki's observation that people behave as if inconveniences, minor and major, are specifically aimed at them - they discount a God in the heavens to bless, but attribute misfortune fully to enemy action. It's as if they really do believe in the Devil, albeit a "tamed" concept of him: an infernal mischief-maker who seeks merely to vex and annoy.

Considering the effect these vexations have to rob some people of all joy, peace, and good humor, they ought to consider re-upgrading him.

Ricki does point out (and I agree) that we all have these moments where we huff and puff and blow our own houses in. What? I wasn't accepted? You gave away our table? Whaddya mean, sold out? But there's a difference between a person who gripes and a griper. We all get exasperated - but not everyone enjoys the feeling of being put-upon that exasperation brings. Some people, odd as it seems, don't seem to really come alive until they're complaining about ill-usage, real or imagined. As long as they have a resentment against someone else, they are justified in being as mean and dismissive as they please. In short, they hold grudges. Each one entitles the bearer to raise himself one notch on the tote board of self-regard.

This puts one in an awkward spot, considering the popularity of the Friday Flip-Off over at It Comes in Pints. What is that if not a full-blown case of "Why Me?"

Well, what it is is a healthy way to share our vexations without letting them define us. The things people kvetch about over there aren't the things outside anyone's control. As I recall, there have been very few (if any) "Winter can flip off" sorts of commenting* - but there is a great deal of "Lousy drivers can flip off." In other words, the FFO targets casual rudeness, the complete inability of some people to follow through on common decency: tailgaters and line-crashers, the selfish and the ridiculous. We're not mad because we're entitled to better, but because it's amazing how little other people think of their fellows. In some cases the people in question are putting others in physical danger by their thoughtlessness.

If one didn't say something about it, one would instead be forever nursing that hurt, looking for a way to pay everyone back for it - that's the behavior that Ricki's talking about, and it's the opposite of a public forum for scolding.

*There was, however, the fabulously insane font flip-off thread (scroll down a little). (OH - and LANGUAGE ALERT. They don't say "flip.")
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The Mighty Wingman Contest - update

Folks, your inventiveness knows no bounds. I got quite a lot of votes, online and off. There is, however, a little bit of a problem. As I compiled, I found that people went out of their way to name people whom they hadn't seen listed yet, and as a result we have something like a 17-way tie. It's fabulous brainstorming and I'm impressed.

Partly to honor all the choices, and partly because I'm having such fun seeing what you came up with, I'm going to take the nominees and list them here (not in any particular order). People in gold already have multiple nominations; people in green are those not nominated at all but on the huge list I had when I made my own top-ten. You can vote for anyone here or you can write someone in. If you want to keep your list from before that's cool too.

1. Samwise Gamgee - Frodo's faithful servant from Lord of the Rings
2. Mr. Spock - Kirk's XO on the Enterprise; logician and occasional harpist
3. Dr. James Watson - Sherlock Holmes' narrator and fellow adventurer
4. Artemis Gordon from The Wild Wild West
5. Sara Gaskell, Dean of the university in the film Wonder Boys
6. KITT - Michael Knight's car from Knight Rider
7. Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride
8. Goose - Maverick's copilot in Top Gun
9. Lt. Morris Schaffer, Clint Eastwood's character in Where Eagles Dare
10. Eastwood again, this time the aptly-named Pardner in Paint Your Wagon
11. Ned Logan - Morgan Freeman's character in Unforgiven
12. Chewbacca - every smuggler needs a first mate, right?
13. The Sundance Kid (that one was Redford) (AND that's two movies for Bill Goldman)
14. Mickey Goldmill (everything you want to know about the franchise is at Obsession Central)
15. Marion Ravenwood, Raiders of the Lost Ark*
16. Larry/Curly from the Three Stooges
17. Bert from Mary Poppins OR Sesame Street
18. Egon and Ray from Ghostbusters
19. Tyler Durden, Fight Club
20. Elwood Blues, the Blues Brothers
21. Harry Dunne of Dumb and Dumber (that's Jeff Daniels)
22. The .44 Magnum, deadliest handgun ever made, etc. etc.
23. Dr. Henry Jones Sr., Indiana Jones and the Last Penultimate Crusade**
24. Minute Mouse (and great theme song, by the way)
25. Dori of Finding Nemo
26. Jane Bennett, "Pride and Prejudice"
27. Agent J, Men in Black - clearly K's protege
28. Jet Black - master of the Bebop, yet he's Spike's right-hand man, not the reverse
29. Horatio, "Hamlet"
30. Susan Ivanova, Babylon Five
31. Silent Bob
32. Gromit
33. Hermoine Granger from the Harry Potter books
34. Juan Ramirez of Highlander (a double for Connery)
35. Ed Norton, the Honeymooners - such a good wingman he inspired Barney Rubble
36. Pikachu (hey, PT has four daughters, cut him some slack)
37. Mike Wazowski, Monsters Inc. (Pixar comes up with great wingmen)
38. James Boswell - the biographer of Samuel Johnson
39. Friday from "Robinson Crusoe"
40. Michaeleen Flynn, from the Quiet Man
41. Sgt Bothari: "I am Lady Vorkosigan's dog." (But who's Lady Vorkosigan? Oh.)
42. Al (Dean Stockwell) from Quantum Leap
43. Tinkerbell - from a mere spotlight on the stage to a vixenous icon of her own right
44. Fozzie Bear
45. Milhouse Van Houten - Bart Simpson's running mate, also cast as Fallout Boy in the Radioactive Man movie on the show (which makes him a double-second-banana!)
46. Pompey from The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (another great theme song)

*You could also go with Sallah, who returned in the third movie
**Wow, this was released in 1989?

You may also notice that I've eliminated some of the field candidates - the crew of the Serenity and "any officer besides Kirk." It's not fair either to give all the points to each candidate or to split them so many ways. Neither do I want to average out five or six spots and then let the next candidate sink all the way to the bottom. It would skew the results unnecessarily.

...

They won't touch this

FJM will ignore it, because it's hockey, so I'm up to bat. It's down along the bottom of the right side - Scott Burnside on Rick Tocchet and the Jersey gambling ring:

So, it's been a year since Rick Tocchet was implicated in the now-famous Operation Slap Shot betting scandal. "Implicated" is the operative word because, a year later, Tocchet still has not been formally charged but rather just put on notice.

New Jersey authorities plan, at some point, to charge him with a series of crimes in connection with the alleged betting ring. Some experts have recently said it's not unusual for authorities to take this long to bring charges in a case like this, but we can't help but feel some empathy for Tocchet, who is in professional limbo and barred from the NHL until the matter is cleared up.

So far, so good. I also feel for the guy - tough player, had a pretty good playing career. Things soon go awry, however.

New Jersey officials have been curiously tight-lipped about the proceedings, especially after all the convenient leaks that took place immediately after the probe hit the headlines.

That represents a sudden lurch into cholo-logic. First of all, the media whipped the leak into a good-sized stream because Tocchet was on Wayne Gretzky's staff in Phoenix. When the Great One is possibly involved, that's news - and ESPN was all over it along with everyone else. (This is the search result for "Tocchet, gambling" - just for ESPN.com.) It's a little curious that now Burnside is concerned about the effect it had on Tocchet's coaching career. Second, how is it curious that the law wants to try to keep better control of the investigation in light of what the leaks have caused?

The longer the wait for any formal action against Tocchet, the more this looks like an issue of rush to judgment and the greater the odor of law enforcement and state officials looking to make a name for themselves without having the goods.

Right - a rush to judgement that takes a full year. Brilliant.

Remember that search, above? This story popped up on the second page. It opens thus: "New Jersey state police were forced to arrest their targets in an illegal gambling ring allegedly run by Phoenix Coyotes assistant coach Rick Tocchet a day earlier than planned after an FBI agent inadvertently let NHL officials know about the investigation..." It also contains this beefy nugget: "...a wiretap on Tocchet's phone recorded a conversation between Tocchet and a league official. The league official reportedly discussed the investigation with Tocchet and told the coach his phone calls had been monitored. The conversation took place before news of the gambling ring was reported in the media." [emphases are mine - NF]

So - all this sniping about the New Jersey State Police and the AG? How about saving some of it for the people who essentially blew their cover, before the media even knew about it?

In the end, the real story may be the issue of justice for Tocchet.

Au contraire. In the end, Tocchet may escape jail time entirely because of the leak (caused by the FBI and the NHL itself, remember.) There had to be a reason why somebody decided to tell Tocchet about this... something perhaps along the lines of, "Dude, ixnay on the ookmakingbay. The edsfay are onto ouyay." He may never get "justice" in the sense that he can't work in the NHL any more; but neither will he get "justice" in the sense that he won't go to the pokey. Worst, if this comes to nothing, this little tip from the league will backfire for Tocchet. Many wouldn't believe he's done nothing wrong, because of the doubt caused by the official's actions. Hard to see how that could be the state police's fault.

The Mighty Wingman Contest

updated Saturday, 2/17/07, oh-dark-thirty am - Rant is completed, and sits directly below this post.

updated Friday, 2/16/07, 5:18 pm - I've got some ire to raise, but I'd best not be rash about it, so I will be crafting, crafting... This may hold up the contest results for a couple of days but I was considering that anyway. Monday is a holiday and it gives me a good opportunity to put up a much better post than otherwise. It also gives all y'all a better chance to send in your votes! Stuff that box, kids! In the meantime, tune in just below for a fresh Saturday morning rant about the NCAA and the thought police.

updated Wednesday, 2/14/07, 11:44 pm - So far, so good. With mail entries and people I know who have chimed in, we have a good 15 or so ballots. Interesting stuff. Also, you will notice that there are tags on this thing now. Blogger has been shoving all of us old-school holdouts into the "new Blogger style" and the Hive's turn just came up. My fingers are crossed (or they would be if I weren't currently typing); if they just add a way to ask for a little help directly, I'll consider it a rousing success.

originally posted Monday, 2/12/07, 9:38 pm

In honor of one of the funnier beer commercials of the past ten years and the recent Fifty Fab Robots list thing, I've decided to run a little contest here. I will peg this post so that it stays up top all week; you, the reader, are cordially invited to name the best wingmen in movies and literature (or songs, or what-have-you). Here are the guidelines:

• We are talking about the best of the wingmen - the guys without whom the leading man would be well and truly hosed. Try not to tab any comic relief or co-equals or love interests (unless you can make a case for one of the co-equals). For example, in the Mummy movies, Rachel Weisz' character, Evie, is NOT a wingman (co-equal), neither is John Hannah (comic relief). The wingman there would be Oded Fehr (hubba-hubba, ladies).
• Your first place nominee will get 20 points.
• Your second place nominee will get 15 points. (There's a bonus for being the top dog, the big cheese, numero duo honcho...)
• Third place is worth 12, and so on down to one point for fourteenth.
• If you name more than fourteen, anyone after that will get one point (think of it as a really big tie); if you name fewer, I'll stop where you left off.

You can vote in the comments, or drop me an email (nightflymail AT aol DOT com) if you like that whole secret ballot thing. I will tally me second bananas and come up with the winner on Saturday in the afternoon. Then I'll post the results, with a detailed look into my own list and why I chose as I did. (And yes, I do have a list.) I may also hit some of the highlights of the voting given enough time.

Have fun!

Big heap thoughtcrime

The NCAA has a policy not to allow certain universities to host postseason events, mostly on the grounds of "hostile and abusive" campus atmospheres.

This comes in handy when Penn State decides to flood the quad with chlorine gas on purpose, but not so much in other circumstances - for example, when your team is named after anything having to do with Native Americans. The latest casualty is Chief Illiniwek of the University of Illinois. It turns out that their appeal was in vain, and the University is striking its tent on this issue.

The major objection to the Chief, who has been around since 1926, is that he trivializes and stereotypes Indians. Another objection, seen here, is that his dance is too authentic, and thus trivializes Indian religious belief.

Lost in all of this is the actual history of Illiniwek, gleaned fairly easily from the University's athletic department website. What's written there suggests that the whole point of the Chief is educative, to show the strengths and virtues of the Native Americans:

The expression "Illiniwek" was first used in conjunction with the University of Illinois by football coach Bob Zuppke in the mid 1920's. Zup was a philosopher and historian by training and inclination, and he was intrigued by the concept the Illini peoples held about their identity and aspirations. They spoke a dialect of the Algonquin language and used the term "Illiniwek" to refer to the complete human being -- the strong, agile human body; the unfettered human intellect; the indomitable human spirit.

Agile and strong, unfettered mind, indomitable spirit... sign me up, please.

The first performance was well-received. The first student spent the following summer studying Indian culture, and his replacement, who wanted to give Illiniwek a genuine costume, hitchhiked to South Dakota to explain his intentions and was made an authentic outfit by three Sioux women. "Since then, five different authentic outfits have been used by Chief Illiniwek. The one used in performances now was purchased in 1983 from Sioux Chief Frank Fools Crow..."

This mutual cooperation and understanding is a little too much to bear for certain folks, who've banded together to be a colossal pain in the headdress. Now to start off with, I am going to be clear: they have the God-given right to be as colossal and painful as they please. I would never silence them. But that doesn't mean I agree with them. In fact, given some of the statements printed there, it's hard to disagree because one isn't sure what they mean. The most convoluted screed so far is dated November 17, 2006, by D Anthony Tyeeme Clark, "Why I Don't Do Interviews About the Chief." (Press releases, yes. Interviews? People questioning me about my public statements? Oppresion!)

The problem with print and television journalists is that they frame the issue of Chief Illiniwek around the notion of “objectivity” as it tends to be constituted in a so-called balanced journalism.

It figures. One of the few times the media actually strive to be balanced and objective, they get condemned.

Emerging out of a dominant culture and power of antagonism that elides the play of power in racism and colonialism,

Uh-oh. I smell some rifted writing coming on.

journalists uphold a racist, colonialist, ...

You already mentioned that.

... misogynist, and heterosexist status quo when assuming two opposite sides:

Oppresors! How dare anyone assume TWO sides!

... a multi-racial, majority-white critical mass who, through the lens of critical cultural theory, represent a form of homo-social Chief love rooted historically and psychologically in the fear of being emasculated (of losing white-male heterosexist power and privileges), and “the Native Americans,” who in local mass media represent chief hate, as well as assimilation.

It was more confusing, believe me, before I corrected the punctuation - but even the repaired version is nonsense. He seems to be accusing journalists of assigning people to two categories, both of which he himself has invented and neither of which is complimentary.

I guarantee you that the critical mass doesn't look at things through the lens of critical cultural theory. They're not gullible enough. They couldn't care less, and thank God for it. For example, Mr. Clark, looking through his lens, darkly, thinks that people's love for Chief Illiniwek is based on fear of being emasculated. I think the psychologists call this "projection," personally, but leave that aside for a moment. About the only thing clear here is that Mr. Clark prefers demonizing those who disagree to explaining his objection to the Chief. He's hit every PC buzzword for "my enemies are evil" - misogyny, racism, heterosexism, and colonialism. (I wouldn't be surprised if they all had really big carbon footprints, too.) He's so opposed to the objective approach that he's decided to be barking mad to to set himself apart.

Chief Illiniwek can be understood simultaneously as a dignified symbol of the university and an example of what Renato Resaldo terms “imperialist nostalgia,” a widespread tactic used by white peoples and people of color collaborators in Australia, Canada, New Zealand, and the United States (and, before apartheid ended, South Africa) to cover up domination and transform those responsible for the oppression of indigenous peoples—including American Indians—to act as innocent bystanders.

Um... really? So, it's insulting for Illiniwek to be a dignified symbol? I don't get it. Historically, oppressors destroyed the cultural and social practices of those they conquered. Rome didn't celebrate Carthaginian or Etruscan achievements, they obliterated every possible trace of them and plowed the very soil with salt. The admirable stuff (like the Hellenic gods and art) they simply stole and renamed. It's a strange oppression that consults with an indigenous people for a more authentic expression of their nobility and power.

Thus, love for the high-stepping, jumping official symbol of the University comes into view in ways that empower adoring fans and university alumni to ignore the history (e.g., genocide) and its lingering residue (such as legal title to stolen land) from which most white people and many non-Native American people of color continue to reap untold benefit.

Oh, criminy. Look, the U.S. is not giving back Chicago, OK? For one thing, they built it. For another, Native American persons have equal rights under law with everyone else, so even with the country's faults we're coming out ahead of most similar situations in history. (In fact, since Indian nations are still technically sovereign, sometimes Native Americans have more rights under law in US Courts than they do in tribal proceedings - little things such as trial by jury and the right to counsel.) The treatment of the conquered Native American peoples isn't something to be proud of, but making the misdeeds of history the only parts that matter is patently dishonest.

Oh, and he does go on... it's all about power, blah blah, and "the struggle for hegemony." He's half-right, at least, on that count - but he's the one who wants the hegemony. He wants the University of Illinois to adhere to his ideal of white behavior: bowing and scraping and forever apologizing, pausing every moment to acknowledge the evils of their past (but NEVER the successes or virtues); and forbidden to admire a culture other than their own. This permanent sorry is more acceptable than a vigorous debate between free minds: the best way for us hegemonic oppressors to deal with our profound dread and apprehension is to be made to constantly feel it.

Dominant culture and power constitute a reaction formation of visual impressions, assumptions, stereotypes, and expectations that transform unacceptable urges into their opposite and free white people and their people of color allies from the necessity of dealing with profound dread and apprehension.

Just to recap - you're not allowed to admire a foreign culture, and you're not allowed to transform unacceptable urges into their opposite. In the old days, that was called improving your character; now it's just a smokescreen, a way to dodge unpleasant feelings.

Thus, through an enduring life-cycle of repetitive signifying practices (from children's literature and activities such as “sitting like an Indian” to scouting and Y-Indian Guides and Princesses) Illinoisans link their children and themselves through reaction formation to the institutionalized authority of spiritual guides such as Chief Illiniwek who capture their imaginations and offer them cathartic reproof of their ancestors' injustices and conceal their complicity in the ongoing oppression of Indian peoples.

FOR GOD'S SAKE BUY A DAMNED COMMA.

As for the "substance" of the objections: scouting? Lord Baden-Powell, trying to instill character in young men, was doing evil? He was oppressing Native Americans? Horse feathers. All of these hundred-dollar words really just boil down to one thing: D Anthony Tyeeme Clark is furiously determined to take his offense. If facts don't back up his umbrage, he will denounce them as false objectivity. If Illiniwek were a caricatured savage he'd complain on those grounds, but since he's meant as a noble figure of admiration and pride for the school, he'll complain on those grounds instead. Admiring the Chief means oppressing the rest of us! You are complicit! And I will toss as much sociology and grievance jargon at you as I need to avoid your questions!

Really, if he just says, "Chief Illiniwek offends me," then we can discuss why. If he further says, "I think that holding up Illiniwek as a wholesome image after having warred against actual Indians, confining them to reservations, is patronising lip service," then we have an actual position to be argued. In doing so, he may actually change some minds - but he also runs a risk of having his own mind changed. People discussing an idea from two different sides are in one sense colleagues: searching for a consensus, trying to reach a true answer or at least an accurate understanding of each other's thinking. This is obviously unacceptable - he says as much when he brands those who cooperate "collaborators." Descriptively, it's accurate, but he's not trying to define, but conjure. When he says collaborator he wants us to think quisling. Beyond that he doesn't want us to really think at all. He's so proud we are not allowed to admire his pride, his people so noble that we are not permitted to want to be like them. According to Mr. Clark, we are permitted only to be inferior and acknowledge it, never to improve on it. This amounts to racism, and Mr. Clark's fancy dress terms don't make his hatred virtuous, any more than putting a warthog in a prom dress makes it the homecoming queen.

Forgive me if I decline to share in delusion, however erudite.

V-Day

At first, I was wondering if this was a WW2 anniversary of some sort and feared my ignorance... Then I got it - it was the other thing in which all is fair.

Romantically speaking, I was the fat kid for a long time... I didn't get too many of the sweet and winsome Valentines that Ricki mentions, and felt rather put off by the "bling for a fling" genre of gift-giving. I mean, some of those ads really strongly imply that a woman is obligated to pleasure a man given a certain dollar-value gift - or worse, that the man is obligated to meet that dollar value to repay a woman's attentions.

I'm learning the other side of this fence now that I'm getting married.

A woman naturally likes to know that she's a treasure herself; from there it's easy to introduce the lie that to tell her so requires spending a treasure, and from there easier still to drop the truth entirely, and let men think that spending the treasure is the only thing required. Well, you can tell it's a lie because it doesn't work. The woman stays unhappy and thinks she's neglected, and all the guy can do is say, "But I got you x, y, and three of z!" And then the woman feels guilty because he did do that, but it wasn't what she really needed - they both bought a total bill of goods along with all of that ridiculous pink swag.

So, no, the whole idea of being bullied into buying expensive dust-catchers doesn't please me. (The Ladybug, thankfully, does not do this.) On this score, being engaged is, in essence, one long V-Day - "Oh, this package is ten bucks more per person; this cake has a small upcharge; for $100 bucks more you can also... and isn't it worth it on her special day?"

Ahem. First off - "Her" is STANDING RIGHT THERE. If she's worth the extra ten bucks a head, she can be spoken to directly. Second - we plan on the day being special because of the special person we're marrying, not because we sprang for fireworks and a flight of doves over the reception hall. I'd love to give her a fairy-tale event, but I'd much prefer the happier-ever-after.

I do have a question for Ricki, though - you say, "...don't EVEN MENTION the other made-up holiday that some talk about celebrating on March 15." Maybe this one really is a WW2 anniversary, because the only other thing I can think of here is the Ides of March. I mean, I could round up all my senator friends for a little stabby fun, but is that romantic?

Diaper-wearing astronaut jailed in love triangle plot

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist:

The Orlando police allege that Nowak drove 950 miles from Houston to Orlando wearing adult diapers used in space and disguised herself in a dark wig, glasses and trench coat to confront Shipman in the parking lot of Orlando International Airport, according to a police affidavit. Nowak considered her a rival for the affections of a fellow astronaut, Bill Oefelein, according to the affidavit.

Haggard says he's not McGreevey

Maybe the former NJ governor can follow in the footsteps of Ted.

It sounds like a late-night commercial: "In just three weeks you can become completely heterosexual!"

The Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from three weeks of intensive counseling convinced he is "completely heterosexual" and told an oversight board that his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser.

The only reason I believe that he only had one boyfriend is because they would have all come out (no pun intended) of the woodwork as soon as Pastor Ted was busted. In describing this he is using the language of the secular. If he means that he will never be tempted by manflesh again, he is going to be in for a revelation. We junkies need to keep ever vigilant.


1 Corinthians 10:12
Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.

Set phasers to mockery, Mr. Chekov

Via Ms. Sister of the Swilling, a tale of a publisher's blurb:

More than a coming-out memoir, The Confession is the story of one man's quest to repair the rift between his public and private selves, at a time in our culture when the personal and political have become tangled like frayed electric cables. Teeming with larger-than-life characters, written with honesty, grace, and rare insight into what it means to negotiate the minefields of American public life, it may be among the most honest political memoirs ever written.

Or, the really short version - BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

This is so badly written it's hard to credit it to a publishing company; it sounds more like it was written by a tenth-grader who thinks that, since he knows what the word "cogent" means, he doesn't have to bother being cogent himself. Just throw a half-dozen similes onto the page and you've got a mosaic of meaning!

Fish, meet barrel. Time to get shooting...

More than a coming-out memoir,

Much more, in fact - first, he already came out at the press conference, and second, both the conference and the book have served to divert attention from the corruption responsible for James McGreevey's resignation as Governor.

The Confession is the story of one man's quest to repair the rift between his public and private selves,

It may well be, although I'd be more willing to credit that explanation if McGreevey had saved it for the book and not mentioned it at all in the resignation. But my concern here is with the blurb itself. As a descriptive this more accurately fits the Star Trek episode where Kirk splits into a good half and a bad half, than any political process I've heard of.

at a time in our culture when the personal and political have become tangled like frayed electric cables.

Yeah, it's getting worse. Oh, what a tangled rift we repair! Our blurbist can't possibly think that a rift is like a tangled electric cable - or a tangled, frayed electric cable. Or a bunch of frayed electric cables that are tangled. More likely, the blurbist isn't thinking at all, and is merely hoping that we'll mistake an impressive vocabulary for good writing.

I'll also note, at this point, that "the personal is political" is bollocks. It's much closer to true to say that people make the political personal - a process that this memoir is unlikely to interrupt. Instead of this flowery crap about rifted selves (that are tangled, don't forget), it would be simpler to say that politicians long have been parading their families as photo ops without actually being good family men; that all of their talk about promises and integrity has no intention to keep either. Strunk and White were right, bless them - "Be concrete."

And, if you'll forgive the bluntness - is a guy who left his wife and daughters a good choice to write a book about bringing those things back together?

Teeming with larger-than-life characters,

Electrical cables teem?
A memoir of someone's life has larger-than-life characters?
OK - I admit that I didn't read the thing. Did the publisher?

written with honesty,

Hey, kids! Our author didn't lie in his own memoir! BUY TODAY!

grace, and rare insight into what it means to negotiate the minefield of American public life,

(At this point, your brain may hurt. Take a moment, sip some water.)

This is just shoddy writing. Strunk and White again: "Shoddy writing is shoddy thinking." For example: what rare insights can the guy have? He dealt a state job to his supremely-unqualified lover. Hardly rare. Nor would I call it "negotiating the minefield of American public life" when he was caught, and resigned amid scandal. You may as well read my book about what it takes to colonize Mars.

And - again with the bluntness and the hurting and flayven! - life would be far less of a minefield if one simply wasn't a crook. Integrity doesn't mean skirting the law, or not getting caught, or looking stern while saying serious things on TV. It means that all of one's faculties cooperate - that one's public and private selves never get rifted. (I'm beginning to heart that word.) One need not be in public life to benefit, either.

it may be among the most honest political memoirs ever written.

It may be honest? You're not sure? You seemed sure a couple of sentences ago... though, as we've seen, it's rather hard to tell. Are you even sure it's rare? There's a whole industry that caters to celebs and politicos in disgrace - it's called "hitting the confessional circuit." You don't even have to do anything, either, except talk about how lousy you feel. This would seem to indicate that the lack of integrity that caused the disgrace is still in operation, and that "confessional" is therefore not an accurate term. "Fooling oneself" or "wasting all of our time" are far better, though they don't read as well on the back of a dust jacket.

Of course by now I've run both my points into the ground, dug them out, pummeled them, and left the scraps for the buzzards. I'm sorry to be on about it so long. For the three of you still conscious: don't write like this blurb. Ever. Please. Don't rift your selves like tangled cables that teem with rare insight and (perhaps) honesty. You'll be happier and you won't have to bother with writing a book about it.

This has been a public service announcement of Bloggers Against Rifted Writing.

Touched by a spammer

Mostly the same spammer too - a mysterious sort whose visits don't register on my SiteMeter count. Probably it means that the little visitor was a bot plugging directly into the commenting URL and not getting there at all through the post.

Hast been duly reported, and hopefully quashed.

The volume of spam at work is far greater, of course, but in some ways even a little bit fun. For one thing, we have excellent filters now, and they catch a good majority of the stuff. For another, I get to browse the list of subject lines and enjoy the evolution of spam. I have three theories on it:

1. Spammers all spam each other, too, and get ideas for new wording from each other
2. Spammers are actually like vast schools of fish, moving like a solid curtain, with no individual responsible for any change of direction
3. There is an Ur-Spammer, like the Master Control Program in Tron, issuing its imperious commands. (End of line.)

Any of these would cover the facts as observed, to wit: spammers keep up one pattern for a couple of days and then swap. So, for a few days I'll get a hunk of subject lines: "Name says." Then, all at once, it will be "Name wrote." And THEN all at once it will be "Talk to Name."

Yeah, well... no thanks, anyway. You're all Nigerian discount mortgage casinos that sell foreign drugs. But I do find it fascinating to see how you all turn on the same dime. There's never any overlap. It's not like I'll see a stray "Name says" after everyone is saying "Talk to Name."

For a while after that, I saw something new - fake news headlines. Or rather, real news headlines cribbed from actual news sites, only used as subjects. For a little while, they were even introduced as (for example) "CNN: Bush to ask for higher troop deployment." Very quickly, however, the CNN was dropped in favor of the generic "News Service."

[And THAT was quite interesting. We small fry don't have the deep pockets to permanently end these annoyances - but don't tick off Ted Turner.]

It didn't last long. In fact, for a while "Name" returned to action; it was like meeting an old college buddy you'd lost touch with after school, when it became obvious you hadn't really had much in common in the first place beyond a class and the same dorm floor. Not one of those pleasant meetings either - a meeting where you're shocked at how Federlinish he looks, and are trying to escape after 23 seconds.

At home, weeding through blog spam, one finds a different tone. They don't work nearly as hard in the home version of this game. Usually there's nothing more than their suspicious little URL, sometimes not even hotlinked. One may get a string of words that one normally avoids using in the body of posts precisely because it attracts spammers - in other words, it's like spam cannibalism (Spamibalism?); they'll catch other spambots but no actual readers.

Sometimes I think I'd rather have Bingley's breed of spambot, who generate fabulous names like "Euphonious K Dirigible" or "Daunting Y Mallomar." Those are fun.

Gutted

Got some disappointing news last night: the folks at Sega and Sports Interactive have scrapped my current favorite game.

I mention this, not just because the game itself is so engaging and well-planned, it's to recognize the developers, who have apparently known that this was a definite event for a while now - but still worked extra hours to produce the latest game patch, to leave us all with the best possible product.

Sounds silly, doesn't it - gee, they made the game work, isn't that their job? - but in this case I want to recognize them for it. First, there are plenty of larger, more famous companies notorious for stranding people with buggy, inferior product and simply expecting that they'll deal out 50 more bucks next year for little more than a glorified roster update. To hide this, they toss in cockamamie "features" that add nothing to the experience except aggravation. (I hated the EA:NHL 'player cards' and their pathetic 'career mode' that only lasted ten seasons.)

Second, it isn't their job anymore. They've been working on Sega/SI's other titles for a month or more, but they still pushed themselves for us - and by "us" I mean maybe 8,000 worldwide. That's it.

So, business decision for unpopular, high-quality title to bite the dust. Again, it's a blinding flash of the obvious, right? Well - that brings me to the Rant Section of our little tale. Part of the reason for the sluggish sales has been game piracy. No-talent, cheapskate stooges put up mirror sites to download the demo version (free for half a season of the game); those sites got many more times the downloads of Sega/SI's legit site. Even if the full game hadn't been available, that's a bad sign; if people were planning on buying it they'd have downloaded the demo from Sega/SI in the first place, not a hack site. But the full game is also out there, thanks to Russian and Chi-com hackers whose activities are tacitly approved by their governments in a form of freelance economic combat.

So theft and dishonesty cost us future versions of a fabulous, fun game and the developers all get shuffled to other work - at least they were lucky enough to keep their jobs in this case. And I'm lucky enough to have a special place to let fly at these hacking jive turkeys, once Emily has finished typing. Break out the knobs for this one...

My toilet is not Muslim-friendly

Someone tell me this is a gag:

Toilets in one London prison are getting a face-lift — or rather, a change in direction — to accommodate Muslim inmates who can't use them while facing Mecca, a British newspaper reported.

Government officials ackowledged using tax dollars for the changes to the facilities, but maintained that moving the toilets was part of "on-going refurbishment," according to an article in The Sun.

Islamic code prohibits Muslims from facing or turning their backs on the direction of prayer when they use the bathroom. Muslim prisoners complained of having to sit sideways on toilets so as to not break code.

Faith leaders in the government pressured officials to approve turning the toilets 90 degrees at HMP Brixton in London.

Muslim American rights worker commended the London prison system for their actions, but said the problem, so far, doesn't appear to be an issue in the U.S.

"There have been very significant and numerous complaints at U.S. prisons on issues of regulating hygiene and respect for dietary laws," said Ibrahim Ramey, director of human and civil rights work for Muslim America Society. However, Ramey said he was unaware of any specific complaints regarding the direction of toilets in U.S. prisons.

This is a comment from the orginal report, which you can read here:

Labour MP Khalid Mahmood said: “As far as I understand this rule only applies in a place of worship."

Simon Cowell cures global warming...

...by dropping one of the coldest lines in history on Idol last night.

I'd just finished my game and the Ladybug and I were hanging out in the lounge area at the rink while I stowed my gear, and we watched with the guy at the counter and about fifteen other players and fans (all family, naturally). Simon is a great heel - it's part of the fun to watch him hammer the clueless and talent-free, and he plays well to that, but last night he went wayyyyy across the line with the girl with Crystal Gayle hair:

He smiled, chatted her up, asked her to bring in her mom (similar hair), and had her stand by her side while she sang - hands folded, sort of quiet and choir-solo-ish. This was simply a sweet girl who likes to sing and wanted to try it.

"It looks like your mom really liked it."
Beam.
"That's understandable... it was an audition that only a mother could like."

Holy hell. That's just brutal - not only the line itself, but setting it up the way he did and then casually tossing the line off, with her mother standing right there. WTF, Simon? She didn't have any wiggle or jiggle so you could bully her?

She bawled outside. I mean bawled, and not that half-phony "How dare they not swoon before my demented greatness, all my cats love me!" sort of crying, with one eye on the camera. (Her dad was great, by the way, consoling her. She'll be fine if her family really is as on-the-ball as they seemed.)

There was some good fun to be had.

• Paula was on her meds the first half of the show (and then was not there the second, for a "family function" - read "sleeping it off");
• We got Jamie Lynn Ward - the second she appeared I started chanting "Pick-LER! Pick-LER!" even before we got her backstory. If she didn't swallow her own tongue during the audition she was going through. You'd be better off betting against gravity.
• Brandy turned in such a lousy performance that Simon followed her out to tell her again that she sucked. This also led to the best exchange of the night, after she claimed the wood floor made her sound bad:

Randy: Try singing on the carpet instead.
[No improvement.]
NF: I guess the rug's made of wood, too.
Teammate: Dude, it's her voice that's made of wood.

That broke up the whole room. Still... Simon's cutdown is sitting ugly in my gut. I mean, whiskey tango foxtrot...

(For more on the show, this is your must-read.)

Lier!

Oh, Sheila...


That will teach you to talk about Peter Gatien!

(Source - the ever-famous Backstroke of the West. Do not attempt to drink beverages while reading.)

Musical Monday - Tuesdays With Simon

OK - so if you want up-to-datedness on all things American Idol, this is your place. (Cullen also does some timely posting.) You're welcome.

I was all about the hurting on Tuesdays last year, but my old league played Monday. It folded, and my new league plays Tuesdays, and I do some reffing. This means that between games I get maybe ten minutes of Idol, and have to play catch-up via the old VHS. (I really should be watching Paleolithic Idol, I'm lucky my computer doesn't run off a team of hamsters on a treadmill.)

Anyway, I would like to see some of the Hollywood rounds so I can at least get behind a few people, but so far the only full ep I've seen is the most recent NY/NJ audition show.

Note to file - most superstars don't have to wear their own name on the front of a homemade t-shirt. Neither do they enter singing competitions to do a half-assed speed-talking spaz-dance deal. He was even off-key! How is it even possible to TALK off-key?!? Even Joan Collins was ticked.

Thank you, Ian Benardo, for teaching us to laugh about love... again.

The 22-year old teenager adopted by Bolivians was quite talented, however, as was Rainbow Brite the opera rocker. "Who are you," indeed, Simon. She probably could have belted that out on the spot if you really wanted. He's going to have to start listening to these auditions with his eyes closed or something.

She's sweet on Wagner
I think she'd die for Beethoven
She loves the way Puccini lays down a tune
And Verdi's always creeping from her room

As for the Sopranettes, immortalized as BFF1 & 2 by Cullen... it's plain that Pt Pleasant is a better singer; she also seems like a decent girl, unlike Ms. Holmdel. My prediction is that, if Holmdel lasts longer (or they go out together), they'll be OK; but if Pt Pleasant outlasts Holmdel that friendship is done.

The "dress and stilettos" guy (yeah, that's classy, Simon) set out at the top of his range and had no room left. That's what killed him. "Three Times an Idol" girl, unfortunately, chose a show-off song, and one that is, sadly, one of the most annoying ditties ever sang. I would have felt worse for her if she hadn't made that speech at the end, which sounded more daytime soap than heartfelt plea. I'm glad that the "Build Me Up Buttercup" guy is getting another go, though. He can sing, and I like how he's handling having gakked the words last year - that sheepish "yeah, my bad" deal is just the right balance.

Coincidentally, a guy who worked at the rink where I started playing sang that song all the time.

Why do you fill me up (fill me up)
Buttercup, baby, just to let me down (let me down)
And mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all)
You never call, baby, when you say you will (say you will)
But I love you still

I need you (I need you)
More than anyone, darling
You know that I have from the start
So fill me up, buttercup
Don't break my heart

I will remember that song after I've forgotten my own name.

Not much else to say that hasn't already been said funnier elsewhere. I'm not sure where the Joe Jackson dude came from - forty-seven years old?!? - but he was rather sad to hear. Shouldn't you be at the PTA meeting or something?

In general, I'm not sure why nearly everyone goes in for the cut-rate Whitney Houston mewling. They sound like they're hyperventilating and it only serves to expose their lack of talent. Hit the note and hold it for longer than a quarter-second, dammit. "Love" is one syllable, not twelve - "lo-wu-oh-uh-OOOOOOOH-EEE-oooooh-vvvvvv-ooooh-wu-ohhhh..." You can be smacked, you know, so sing or shut up.

UMC= United Marshmallow Church

Which is what the United Methodist Church is turning into:

There will be U2 music at Sunday's 6:30 p.m. contemporary service at the First United Methodist Church in downtown Orlando. The church's praise band (isn't there a catchier name than that?) will perform U2 hits such as "In the Name of Love," "With or Without You" and "Beautiful Day" to raise awareness about poverty and social issues.

Where did the idea originate? It all started with an interview that Bono gave at the Willow Creek Leadership Conference, an annual meeting involving a wide range of church denominations."He was talking about being involved in changing social ills, and that just went into the back of our minds," says Justin Cox, an assistant to the youth director at First Methodist. "In the month of January, we have been talking each week about different social issues -- poverty, homelessness, AIDS. We remembered Bono's interview and his campaign."

Cox says the church has never incorporated any rock or pop music in its services, but the Bono connection was a natural one. Young people also know of Bono's activism, particularly through the RED product tie-ins launched by the Gap and Apple."If you listen to the words in the music, people can sing along and understand how they apply to AIDS and poverty and being sexually active," says Sharon Tice, a volunteer in the church's youth ministry.

U2 has put out some good stuff. I turn the radio up when U2 is on. But when you are a "praise" band playing it in church, you are no longer a praise band. The operative word is "praise", which is defined by the Merriam-Webster online dictionary ( http://www.m-w.com/ ) as:


transitive verb

1 : to express a favorable judgment of : Commend

2: to glorify (a god or saint) especially by the attribution of perfectionsintransitive verb : to express praise

I am in the music team in our church. We do not call ourselves a praise band, but we come a lot closer to it than these guys. It all comes down to the purpose of your Sunday meeting. In our church we sing praises (definition 2) and then one of our pastors opens the Bible and talks about what's in it. (That's called the "Dragnet" preaching style - just the facts, ma'am.)

If you're going to use your Sunday morning meeting to promote social activism then merge with the Episcopalians and become the Democratic National Committee with holidays.

I have no problem with churches being involved in politics (whoops! Conservative churches are involved in politics, mainstream theo-lib churches are involved in social activism. I need to keep that straight.) But if the social gospel is all you have, then you don't have the Gospel.

Fer criminy's sake

Via Crab Apple Lane, a tale about your classic Flight From Hell. I've a good deal of sympathy for the passengers, having been in bad situations with delayed flights and airline ripoffs - but Rob's choice of Quote of the Day just... well... aarrrgh.

Now, they’re calling for the U.S. Congress to pass a passengers’ bill of rights.

Oh, baloney. Enough of this "X's Bill of Rights" crapola. Passengers already have a bill of rights. It's called the Bill of Rights.

I can't stand this classifying people to the nth degree. It makes us think of ourselves not as citizens under an equal rule of law but as aggrieved subsets who aren't getting special attention (wah wah) and why doesn't Congress do something?

Well, Congress isn't supposed to do something about everything. The whole point of the actual Bill of Rights and Constitution was limiting Congressional power and leaving the actual business of everyday living to the sovereign citizens of the country - us. Crying for a law every time one has a merely unpleasant experience, and then giving that cry equal status in name with one of the revolutionary documents in world history, is nitwittery.

Of course it's not your fault Rob, and I'm not yelling at you. This is just another whack at the piñata for people who want the government to make life perfect forever and ever; who think that the moment you're dissatisfied someone has to be held liable. Even with cause (such as these passengers had) that's a dubious proposition.

Let's take this proposal (which I will NOT be calling the PBOR) one step at a time, shall we?

All American air carriers shall abide by the following standards to ensure the safety, security and comfort of their passengers:

OK - right off, I'd like to point out that any American air carrier that does poorly with safety, security, and comfort should not be patronized, and should go out of business quite nicely without more damned laws - many of which are probably already on the books in some form or fashion. It's not like fraud is legal.

• Establish procedures to respond to all passenger complaints within 24 hours and with appropriate resolution within 2 weeks.

And who gets to decide what "appropriate resolution" is? Right now, it's you the consumer. If Delta jerks your chain, fly United. If United strands you in Pierre, South Dakota, fly Continental.

• Notify passengers within ten minutes of a delay of known diversions, delays and cancellations via airport overhead announcement, on aircraft announcement, and posting on airport television monitors.

If they ask, then a responsible airline should tell them. If not, then why annoy them? "Oh, we're going to be late, just GREAT," they huff; but if the delay's only 15 minutes, why make the passengers huffy? They probably wouldn't have noticed anyway.

• Establish procedures for returning passengers to terminal gate when delays occur so that no plane sits on the tarmac for longer than three hours without connecting to a gate.

I'm not arguing in favor of stranding people in a plane indefinitely, but I can't conceive of major airports not already having procedures for these cases, because a life-threatening event requires it. The problem is that in many areas, one can always take another airline, but you're stuck with the airport - and the airport may suck.

The solution seems obvious to me. If the airport is the problem, then any law or revision thereof should target that and not the carrier.

• Provide for the essential needs of passengers during air- or ground-based delays of longer than 3 hours, including food, water, sanitary facilities, and access to medical attention.
• Provide for the needs of disabled, elderly and special needs passengers by establishing procedures for assisting with the moving and retrieving of baggage, and the moving of passengers from one area of airport to another at all times by airline personnel.

These are, I think, already laws - you can't just lock people on a plane intederminately with no provision. More than that, it's common sense. You mean we need a law to tell us not to imprison our customers in an uncomfortable box all day?

Reading the original account, you see that American had unavoidable problems (technical and weather delays), and then made them worse by being understaffed around the holidays. For me the eye-opener, however, was that in some of the other cases cited, the delays were caused by well-meant laws badly applied. For example: international passengers stranded in a diverted plane, unable to stay because there was no customs service and unable to go on because the crew had reached their lawful work-time limits. How can the airline be made liable for that? On the flight in question, the captain was repeatedly denied permission to get to a gate and eventually did it anyway. But a nine-hour delay, however horrid, is preferable to the risk of a collision, certain to injure or kill many.

In either case, there are already all sorts of remedies in civil court, and the ultimate expedient, taking one's business elsewhere.

• Publish and update monthly on the company’s public web site a list of chronically delayed flights, meaning those flight delayed thirty minutes or more, at least forty percent of the time, during a single month.

Actually a decent idea; but again, usually airlines and airports analyze data like these and, to keep themselves in business, they work to avoid these delays. In other words, why make a law when it's something the airlines already need to do well? (Notice the trend here?)

My heart goes out to the crew. They're just as stuck, with the added fun of getting screamed at (or possibly threatened) by weary and frustrated passengers, and an obligation to be kind and patient in reply.

• Compensate “bumped” passengers or passengers delayed due to flight cancellations or postponements of over 12 hours by refund of 150% of ticket price.

AHA. Sooner or later, we knew that this was going to have a "Gouge the Business" Provision.

• The formal implementation of a Passenger Review Committee, made up of non-airline executives and employees but [sic] rather passengers and consumers – that would have the formal ability to review and investigate complaints.

And sooner or later, a new bureaucracy was bound to come into play.

Hey, dumbass lawyers - passengers and consumers already have formal ability to complain. They hired YOU, you useless dipwads. And there are plenty of non-airline executives with the formal ability to review and investigate complaints. They're called judges. BUT they can't do their jobs until you do yours, which is representing your clients' interests instead of grandstanding for some face time on TV.

• Make lowest fare information, schedules and itineraries, cancellation policies and frequent flyer program requirements available in an easily accessed location and updated in real-time.

Orbitz isn't easily accessed? They're so easy to access, half the time I do it without even trying because of the damned popups.

• Ensure that baggage is handled without delay or injury; if baggage is lost or misplaced, the airline shall notify customer of baggage status within 12 hours and provide compensation equal to current market value of baggage and its contents.

Look, I'm not just ranting off the cuff here.

Continental's policy.
United's policy.
Delta's.
American's.
Southwest's.

I found them pretty much in less than a minute. I had more trouble finding them for places like Jet Blue and AirTran, which didn't surprise me. They aren't major carriers and there's a reason why. In other words, consumers already are watching out for themselves, aided effectively by laws already in place.

In all of these cases, the policy is (quite sensibly) that you tell the airline that your stuff is gone, and then they get cracking. I've had my luggage misrouted, and it's a drag wearing the same outfit two days in a row until you get shopping, but really, did it break my arm? And then I had new clothes, so really, it was win-win in the end.

Note that all of these sites will, with only minimal trouble, tell you about handling policy beforehand, and they also warn you that the TSA assumes responsibility under certain circumstances - and they then give you links to their web site and a helpful toll-free phone number.

None of this has yet considered that for a major airline, one can always go to the counter at the airport (or call ahead) and ask about stuff. Like, "Where's my luggage, you crooks? And why am I routing through Cleveland for a flight from Dallas to Tampa?"

There's something at the end of this stupidity that said that the laws would also apply to foreign carriers (I think, I don't know what code-share partners are since I'm not in the industry). Again, utterly useless since doing business here already implies following the appropriate laws.

Hello, Mary Lou

The original "I just nailed my final vault, so take THAT" gymnast is 39 today.

I learned this while scanning through the radio waves on my way home today. The station does a "70's at Seven" bit, and the DJ decided to intro a song with the news about Ms. Retton. "You know, that gymnast from the 70's - how is that even possible?" she gushed.

Who knows? Up next on 70's at Seven - U2.

Ah, blogworld

Chatting about (of all things) Governeur Morris at the Sheila Variations, I had a friendly exchange with a guy whose name was new - and who surprised me by saying that it had been a while, how've I been?

Well, it turns out that new guy is actually THIS guy. Haven't chatted in a dog's age, but there he is. It's a small Internet, folks. You lose touch, you get back in touch... Well, I'm doing terrific overall, thanks for asking. It's good to hear from you again, and I hope you and yours are well.

And apropos of nothing (again), I think it took me until high school to realize that "Governeur" was Mr. Morris' given name; when I was a kid I always assumed that some guy named Morris was once Governor, but that they spelled it wrong in the old days.

Another Embarrassment to the Faith

This is what unbelievers rip us for - going into people personal lives. What "evidence of those rumor's truth"? Barbara Streisand CDs? An affinity for show tunes? Being LTN (Little Too Neat)?

Please stop now. Governor Crist, Michael Jackson and I are all 48-year-old single white men. One of us is gay, and it isn't Governor Crist or I.

Florida celebrated the inauguration of another Republican governor this month who promises to maintain the previous administration's policy of holding down taxes and improving quality of education. But Charlie Crist will also be seeking to quell rumors about his sexuality that dogged him throughout his campaign, and pro-family leaders say they will be watching for any evidence of those rumors' truth in the days to come.

An Embarrassment to the Faith

About six years ago in Tampa we had some "Christians" running a Ponzi scheme. They would lie and cheat people out of their savings while claiming that the laws of the country didn't apply to them because they were "citizens of heaven".

Then there's this clown:

A Florida evangelist who founded a creationist theme park but was accused of tax fraud because he called his employees missionaries and paid them in cash has been convicted on those counts.

Kent Hovind, of Pensacola, is known as "Dr. Dino," for his Dinosaur Adventure Land, and had declared at a hearing last summer he did not recognize the government's right to try him.

Creation Science Evangelism ministry in Pensacola included a museum and a science center, too, and is dedicated to debunking evolution. He has offered $250,000 reward to anyone offering sufficient proof of evolution.

The evangelist says he's not a tax protester, asserting he has no income or property because everything belongs to God.

But a 12-person jury deliberated for 2½ hours before finding Hovind and his wife, Jo, guilty of all counts in their tax-fraud case, according to a report in the News Journal.

He was found guilty of 58 counts, including failure to pay $845,000 in employee-related taxes. He faces a maximum of 288 years in prison. Jo Hovind was charged and convicted in 44 of the counts involving evading bank-reporting requirements. She faces up to 225 years in prison but was allowed to remain free pending the couple's sentencing on Jan. 9, the News Journal said.

To the rest of you cheats, thieves and liars who use my Lord and Savior as a prop, why not read His Word before you before you try and use my God as a defense like this criminal (note the portions in bold).

Romans 13:1-7
Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God. Therefore whoever resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves. For rulers are not a cause of fear for good behavior, but for evil. Do you want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good and you will have praise from the same; for it is a minister of God to you for good. But if you do what is evil, be afraid; for it does not bear the sword for nothing; for it is a minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath on the one who practices evil. Therefore it is necessary to be in subjection, not only because of wrath, but also for conscience' sake. For because of this you also pay taxes, for rulers are servants of God, devoting themselves to this very thing. Render to all what is due them: tax to whom tax is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor.

A bedtime story

This is a little story I put together to answer a question my Ladybug asked me at the rink one day. - NF

Once upon a time, a nice boy named Randy Holt decided to take up the sport of ice hockey. He got laughed at a bit, mostly because he was smaller than the other boys once he was done growing. Adult Randy was rather an average 5’ 11”, 185 lbs.* But once Randy started playing, the other kids stopped laughing – because he would clobber them if they didn’t.

Randy Holt was good enough to represent seven different NHL teams in ten years. A majority of his games were spent with the Washington Capitals, but his most notable game came in early 1979, when he was a Los Angeles King. His primary responsibility wasn’t scoring. The Kings had Marcel Dionne, Charlie Simmer, Dave Taylor, and Butch Goring to score goals. Randy’s job was simply to make sure that nobody tried to knock down those guys.

On this particular evening – March 11, 1979 – the Kings traveled to play the Philadelphia Flyers, and an all-out brawl broke loose in the first period. Randy got into in with Ken Linseman, whose style of play would soon earn him the nickname, “The Rat.” Linseman was only a rookie at the time, and much more successful offensively than Randy. In fact, he scored five goals in 30 games that rookie season, one more than Randy totalled for his entire career. But during this brawl, Randy set a standard no other player has ever matched: he was assessed 57 minutes in penalties. To go along with the ten that he already had, Randy finished with 67 penalty minutes in one game.

An NHL game only lasts 60 minutes.

Others have done more in the long haul. Four different guys have topped 400 minutes in a season – an average of five per game. Dave “Tiger” Williams rang up 3966 minutes in his career – over 66 complete games spent sitting in penalty boxes. (When he was actually on the ice he was good enough for 241 career goals.) There was Ogie Oglethorpe of Slap Shot fame, “with the litigation, the notoriety, his subsequent deportation to Canada and that country's refusal to accept him.” But let us remember Randy Holt, who for one night was on a par with any of them – March 11, 1979, at the fabulous Sports Spectrum of Philadelphia, where Randy Holt was the King of the Rink.

*Adult Nightfly is 6’ even, and about 170 pounds, just for comparison’s sake.

Quote of the month

From the estimable Ken Summers:

Yet, even in the most anti-smoking jurisdictions, it is legal to carry concealed cigarettes as long as you don't fire one up illegally. I could go for gun laws like that - legal to carry one concealed as long as you don't fire it off illegally.

It comes from a fisking of this editorial favoring forced disarmament, and you will enjoy said fisking immensely. Like hitting deer with a Camry, baby...

Filed under...

There are a couple of in-jokes on the card, but most of the attempted humor should be obvious. Ten points to the first person who gets the movie quote.

(w/t to Sheila for finding the Card Catalogue Generator)

UPDATE - Thanks to Tracey and her link to the Dewey Decimal blog (!!) I now know that "516" is not only the area code for my old hometown, it's also the official categorization for works on geometry. (The 500's in general are devoted to SCIENCE!)

And speaking of 24...

I had never seen it. In fact, the only thing I knew for sure about "24" was that Jack Bauer is like Chuck Norris crossed with Mr. T, but with Indiana Jones' resourcefulness and James Bond's determination. In other words, I expected my television to explode from awesome.

Maybe that was part of the trouble... because those first three hours drove me CRAZY.

OK, so this guy is so damn cool he singlehandedly stops global warming. Jack Bauer sleeps with the lights on - because the dark is afraid of Jack Bauer. And what does CTU decide to do after the Chicoms kidnap him at the end of last season? What anyone else would do when the person in question has saved the world five times - they let him ROT for 20 months. And then, when they do get around to bringing him back, they've only done it to give him to some OTHER mortal enemy who wants America dead. (Starting with Jack.) NOT ONLY THIS, but they also give the Mortal Enemy access to all our satellites and communications frequencies.

Who wrote this episode, Harold Pinter?

Mind you - this would be like the Patriots losing Tom Brady in free agency, waiting two seasons for their entire team to fall apart, and then trading away their only four remaining good players to get him back - only to then trade him away again, with draft picks, for a punter. Maybe Bill Belichick should run CTU, because nobody else can.

Naturally, they do this and then don't plan some sort of contingency so they can track the other guy, too. I mean, why on earth wouldn't you trust a shady Islamofascist who wants to kill your best operative? And then, after Jack escapes anyway (because people pass out from his badassedness, leaving the coast clear), nobody thinks to say - ok, we left him here, he showed up there an hour later, and the other guy had him for half of that hour. They can't use all of that to maybe get within the general neighborhood and start searching?

There's more, and some of it involves spoilers, but let's just say that there was a great deal of coming up small in a big situation in those three hours - including the dad of the neighbors (you know the guy, the half-fading white afro candy ass) who decides to drive away and do the kid terrorist's bidding. Nobody owns a gun? You can't drive away, park, walk back and cap the kid? "I'll kill your family if I see anyone else," he says, but the genius is sitting WITH HIS BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW.

If all else fails, drive off, call the cops, and then double back around and plow through the damned window with your damned car. It's hard for Kid Idiot to shoot people when he's changing your oil the hard way. And then, guess what? You have the address for the drop, the last phone number the kid dialed, and ample time to get Jack Bauer on line two. (I'd aim for Bauer directly, mind you, and not go through channels - they'd arrest you and blow up your house.)

Instead, the candy afro guy decides to go ahead with what Kid Idiot wants, to the point of killing another guy INSTEAD OF THE TERRORIST. And don't say that Kid Idiot had a gun - so did the guy he killed. It didn't stop Candy Afro from rushing him.

Of course, the only guy who has a clue is the jackass neighbor who is obviously an eeeeevil Islamophobe - and who gets whacked for his jackassery. Naturally, the crusading good guy of the hour is the lady who preaches to the FBI about how everything they do is illegal, then the moment they show up with an actual warrant from a real judge (with a gavel and everything), she destroys the files they've requested. And lectures them more.

Not that she wasn't enabled. Ol' Tom Paris there knows that she's a preachy little holier-than-thou, but he and both his agents leave her alone after serving the warrant. I thought that they were there primarily to keep an eye on her while he did the search - but NOPE. Brilliant move, Kasparov. (The only guy with the huevos to actually call BS on her is the Islamic guy who was arrested with her - and BTW, that was HER FAULT because he had nothing to do with it.)

I could go on...but then again, I couldn't. Really. I bailed after the third hour. They were all just too stupid. God, I hope that's not a realistic portrayal, because if it is, we may all have to move to Iceland or something.

In Church Last Sunday

I was listening to my pastor's message when he said, "Turn to Luke Chapter 24".

I suddenly thought, "24?"

The "Hush Rush" Bill

I'd take this seriously except for the fact that Dennis Kucinich is a barking lunatic.

Over the weekend, the National Conference for Media Reform was held in Memphis, TN, with a number of notable speakers on hand for the event. Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) made an surprise appearance at the convention to announce that he would be heading up a new House subcommittee which will focus on issues surrounding the Federal Communications Commission.

The Presidential candidate said that the committee would be holding "hearings to push media reform right at the center of Washington.” The Domestic Policy Subcommittee of the House Government Reform Committee was to be officially announced this week in Washington, D.C., but Kucinich opted to make the news public early.

In addition to media ownership, the committee is expected to focus its attention on issues such as net neutrality and major telecommunications mergers. Also in consideration is the "Fairness Doctrine," which required broadcasters to present controversial topics in a fair and honest manner. It was enforced until it was eliminated in 1987.

This description of the Fairness Doctrine in the above paragraph is inaccurate, and written by someone who wants to see its return.

The Fairness Doctrine was a presidential executive order which required broadcasters to give equal air time to both sides of a controversial issue. Most broadcasters avoided this by making sure that their programming was as boring as life itself.

The AM radio band was saved by two events:

1) In 1987 Ronaldus Magnus repealed the Fairness Doctrine.

2) In August of the next year, a former front office employee of the Kansas City Royals named Rush Hudson Limbaugh III started a nationally sindicated radio talk show from WABC 770-AM in New York City.

And the rest they say, is history.

Here comes the neighborhood

I think I share a widespread feeling when I see this billboard and say, "Aw, hells NO."

Don't you just cringe thinking about the entertainment part of the Village?

I'm told that it used to be a huge field of sunflowers; no doubt, there were odd symbols carved into the flowers, because it was ALIENS! And now there will be fashionable shops, recreation, and dining - with dead people. You can buy anything, all on sale - but it's CURSED! (What a twist!)

Seriously, this just kills me. I have about forty jokes here.

Programming Note

Hi all - will be back with something tonight. Thanks for being patient, and for your well-wishes.

Read it First

Is this guy aware of the irony?

A Caney Creek High School dad is fired up because the Conroe Independent School District uses the book "Fahrenheit 451" as classroom reading material.

Alton Verm, of Conroe, objects to the language and content in the book. His 15-year-old daughter Diana, a CCHS sophomore, came to him Sept. 21 with her reservations about reading the book because of its language."The book had a bunch of very bad language in it," Diana Verm said. "It shouldn't be in there because it's offending people. ... If they can't find a book that uses clean words, they shouldn't have a book at all."Alton Verm filed a "Request for Reconsideration of Instructional Materials" Thursday with the district regarding "Fahrenheit 451," written by Ray Bradbury and published in 1953. He wants the district to remove the book from the curriculum.

A lot of these classroom issues with books are legit, with parents concerned that the school is making their kids read porn. but to remove from the classroom a book about banning books....

Hat tip to my friend Tim Roth, who actually found this in a paper newspaper.

Pace en requiem

This post has been temporarily removed.

Still playing catch-up

My next stop was good ol' FJM. They had a lot of fun while I was away, particularly with Jon Heyman. (It's a fun piñata to smack at, especially since Skip Bayless isn't writing for Page 2 any more.)

This post was the one that got my eye, though. (Warning - like many FJM posts, there's a language alert.) Scott Brosius for the Hall of Fame? Because he had a few good postseason games?

Let's just contrast this case with another fellow who had a few great postseason games - a guy name of James Lamar Rhodes.

Back in '54, Rhodes' New York (baseball) Giants were facing down the vaunted Cleveland Indians - winners of 111 games, whose top three starters were Bob Feller-Bob Lemon-Early Wynn (each of them are in the Hall of Fame). Rhodes was a pinch-hitting specialist who'd hit .341 that year, slugging nearly .700 in his limited at-bats. His Series line against the great Indians: 3 games, 4-6, 2 hr-7 bi. His 3-run homer won Game One, far more famous for Willie Mays' over-the-shoulder catch of Vic Wertz' 500-foot fly ball.

He didn't last long after that - Dusty Rhodes (as he is better-known) was never able to amass even 250 at-bats in a single season, and was out of baseball by the age of 32. In that respect, Brosius had far the better career. And even so, his "most similar players" are guys like Mike Pagliarulo and Ed Sprague. This is not a career that admits one into the Hall of Fame, even if a few of his brightest moments may warrant mentioning.

I'm beginning to appreciate the Sports Guy's view that Cooperstown is just as valuable as a museum than as a Hall of Fame, and the whole of the story ought to be told, good and bad. I am not in favor of Mark McGwire's candidacy, for example, primarily because the guy was essentially Dave Kingman until the andro, an oft-injured power hitter good for .230, 35 dingers, and 120 whiffs per year. But the SG has a point - if you put him in, put all of that right on the plaque and let the visitors decide whether he was a cheater or a lovable Bunyan.

Laissez les mal temps roulez

Via the Swilling:

NEW ORLEANS (AP) — Days after the police chief said he believed his department was bringing murders under control in New Orleans, the city logged at least five killings in 14 hours.

"At least," because there was a sixth murder, a woman "whose body showed trauma but whose death had not been classified." So, why do I say murder in her case?

The unclassified death was that of a woman whose body was found wrapped in a rug in the Lower Ninth Ward. [emphasis mine - nf]

Those who come by their deaths naturally are not stashed in rugs and dumped out for the neighbors to find.

This whole "under control" thing doesn't even stand up to basic math. The article states that 161 people were murdered in the city in 2006 - a total of 53 in the final three months. Lessee... that's a rate of 212 per annum, which means that the rate shot up in the final quarter. What is your conclusion?

A - new initiatives have brought the problem under control in recent months.
B - new initiatives have done diddly-spit.

If you said B, you are better at math than Superintendant Walter Riley, who went with A on Monday, and then left police spokesman Bambi Hall to give the numbers from October to December the very next day.

Granted that fourteen hours is a small sample size for the New Year. You may prefer the numbers from full years instead: a murder rate that topped the nation's cities in 2002 and 2003; from a total of 159 homicides in 1999, to 265 in 2004. Only 210 in 2005, most likely because Katrina emptied the place out to end the year and brought a lot of attention to those remaining, making it more difficult to slay one's neighbors. Still - more in 2006 with half of a city they had seven years previous?

It starts from the top, kids:


No doubt he's handing out free chocolate milk to symbolize his deeply-held principles.

Cook Cars, Not Pigs!

You have GOT to be kidding me.

A French court ruled Tuesday that an organization with far-right links can continue offering pork soup to the homeless, rejecting police complaints that the food distribution was racist.
Police banned the soup kitchen last month, arguing that the handouts discriminated against Jews and Muslims who do not eat pork on religious grounds.

Lemme get my little brain round this... if someone actually went about dragging Jews and Muslims into this building by force for a little appetizer, they could be arrested (and rightly so)*. BUT, they don't do that. People are free to walk away and eat elsewhere. Even if they're not Muslim or Jewish.

The mayor of Paris condemned the ruling and urged the police to appeal the ruling.
"Faced by this initiative which stinks of xenophobia, I want once again to express city hall's desire to fight all forms of discrimination, racism and anti-Semitism," mayor Bertrand Delanoe said in a statement.

It would be nice if that attitude included fighting actual incidents of anti-Semitism, such as synagogue vandalism, assault, and the stray "sh***y little country" comment. Then again, when the mayor of Paris essentially tells the police to be a law unto themselves and disobey the courts, it's probably not surprising that the citizens themselves fail to act lawfully.

* could be, but in France, probably not actually arrested.
** w/t to It Comes In Pints - who kindly quoted me alongside the King of the FFO Threads. Shucks, folks, I'm speechless...

Melting! Melllltinnnng!

Not surprising, either. If you don't post for a while, your readers begin to melt away.

Well, I'm back. Later today I can tell you of adventures from Points South of Here. For right now, I'm just glad to be in the regular swing of things. I even enjoy work. Truth be told, I've always liked my job, but this is more of a visceral digging into it. I'm relishing work. (And a great turkey pot pie, at least for the next 45 minutes.)

The first adventure I had in Points South is discovering that Points South have terrible internet connections. My mom's computer is two steps above a lit cinder block in the technological chain. As a result I really have some catching up to do with all y'all. Hope your Christmas was merry (white, where applicable) and your New Year happy!