Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Feel the Crazy

Via Tracey of Worship Naked - the Parade of Bad Toys! She's covered several of the best, but there's still enough fun left over for the Hive. Behold:

Hanging Skeleton - for that kid who always wanted his room to look just like a fifth-grade science classroom. Apparently getting stuffed into lockers at school isn't enough for some children: they want their friends to come over and stuff them into the linen closet.

Mind Reading Magic Card - both kids look terrified, as if the kid doing the trick suddenly realizes that he's summoned Cthulhu's minions by mistake.

POP Gun - fun for all ages! Suzie, plug little Johnny in the forehead! Whee!

Secret Agent 007 - I'm not sure what would make Sean Connery angrier: the rip-off or the picture of him wearing lipstick.

Life Like Snake - if only the same could be said of the children.

the next one - no words. Just a picture of a pyramid filled with alternating checkers, next to a horseshoe filled with alternating checkers - sort of a cosmic Othello game with no rules. One of the two men on the packaging has "?" popping out of his head. I agree.

UFO Wonder Gun - Spare Ammo - Tracey already covered this, but there's still one nagging question: why would you show the product in the hands of the ALIEN? He's a Creature of Unspeakable Horror - he's large enough to crush a battleship in one hand, and the other is pointing a firearm roughly the size of the Chrysler Building. "Here, kid, defend yourself with this ten-cent plastic-disk launcher." Uh, what do I do if the monster hides behind a large sheet of paper? "Then you PRAY."

Dangling Skeleton with Moving Eyes - the cousin of the Hanging Skeleton, only with moving eyes. Hell with all that. I want the toy of the guy in the deep-sea get-up that's dueling the skeleton with a rapier. I mean, who wouldn't prefer a deep-sea swordfighter dude?

Jumping Animals - featuring such famous Leapers of the Animal Kingdom as the lobster, the armadillo, and the octopus. Maybe they have a point with the octopus, though - it has 13 tentacles and a skull-face pattern on its body. In fact, I think the UFO Wonder Gun has failed and the Creatures have cross-bred with Earth's aquatic life.

Peeping Skeleton - for pity's sake LAY OFF THE SKELETONS ALREADY. Did the manufacturer raid Tutenkhamen's pyramid? Is the factory built on a mass Indian burial ground? Will the TV swallow my kids after I bring this into the house?

Magnetic Spunky Dogs - the real pity isn't the crappy toy, but that they wasted such a sweet font for "Spunky Dogs" on the crappy toy.

Toys - yup, that's it. Generic Toys; the toy which implies all other toys to come. Advertised by showing a line of animals lining up to buy them, because no self-respecting human child would be caught dead within the same city block as one. At least the Richard Scarry knock-off fox pup has balloons. He'll still die of shame, but he'll die happy.

And a bonus - a picture not on the site, snapped with my own little digital during my Christmas vacation:

Meow.  Or moo.  Whatever.
Yup. Cat and Dot. No Cogs, however, for $2.50. I feel cheated.

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