Friday, December 01, 2006

Super Adventure Records

Actors trying to croon and swoon are nothing new, and it's usually an Ishtaran-level disaster. (No, Don Johnson, you CAN'T get a heartbeat - now GO SHAVE.) Tossing the whole thing into the clam sauce, as it were, can't improve matters. But a man who jumps couches in several insane bounds can easily leap logic in a single bound.

Tom [rhymes with booze - nf] is reportedly planning to release the Top Gun classic You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin' with his new wife, Katie. [UH-OH.]
The 44-year-old Mission Impossible star serenaded his new bride with the Righteous Brothers' hit on his wedding day last weekend in Bracciano, Italy.
The Daily Star reports that the guests, which included some top music executives, were so impressed with his moving rendition that they gave him a standing ovation - and a chance to record the track as a romantic duet.
Friends, we all heard him maul this thing in Top Gun, and it was as close to Vogon poetry as I ever care to be in the waking world. Now he might just possibly be a good enough actor to intentionally sing badly - but I seriously doubt that his ego would have permitted it. If he could nail it, he would have then, so the world could hear his glory and adore.

Besides, doesn't this whole creepy missive read like a rip-and-read of a press release from Clam Central? "Standing ovation?" Bravo Sierra. And the whole "public performance" within the public recreation of the TomKat "nuptuals" really frosts me. Not only was the thing an unveiled sales pitch for the Scumentumerists, it was also a blargin' audition?!? The Snooze can report to the proper authorities for a knob-fitting, at once.

Somehow, I think that actual record executives know that Travolta is the singer among the Super Adventurers, and this "standing ovation" was as illusory as Tom's participation in the creation of Suri.

A source said: "Tom's got a great voice. And he's loved that song ever since his Top Gun character Maverick sang it to woo his love interest Kelly McGillis.
"And Katie proved how talented she is when she performed in The Singing Detective remake."
Translation from the Clamese - let's drop the names of some of their movies and remind people that they're here to earn money to give to us. (Including all profits from this incredibly poor idea.) "A source" that sounds so much like a bibliography footnote can only be a low-level insider trying to pay off a large bill for auditing services.

"Music chiefs know it would be a massive hit so they don't want to lose all the money to a bizarre religious following. "
Music chiefs? NAME ONE. You were so careful to remind us which character the Snooze played in Top Gun... who was there? Clive Davis? Quincy Jones? The Ghost of Tom Parker?

Also, apparently low-level PR flacks forget not to drop stuff like "bizarre following" into these things. A more mature editor should have caught that. Apparently they all need a bit more "advancement" - fork it over. Besides, if it's anything like Hubturd's books, there will be massive sales because hundreds of discs at a time will be bought up by discerning Clam audiophiles (the discerning is all done much higher up the chain, mind you).

"But Tom's adamant. He said the song is a symbol of their love and [Super Adventure] is the basis of their companionship."
BWAHAHAHAH! A song about a wife's emotional distance, weary nagging, and frigidity is the symbol of TomKat's love? If only Katie could be so lucky.

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