Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Palmiero busted in drug scandal

Major League Baseball announced today that Baltimore Orioles slugger Rafael Palmiero has violated the new substance abuse policy and will be suspended ten games.

Palmiero, a Viagra spokesman, tested positive for Cialis.

"We consider this a serious violation," commissioner Bud Selig said. "This calls into question every billboard in baseball and cannot be tolerated."

The Orioles, meanwhile, tried to stand behind their teammate. "The team's been struggling," said manager Lee Mazzilli. "He was the only member who wasn't slumping. Sure, we're going to miss that." But second baseman Brian Roberts was overheard in the background shouting, "Great, way to overshadow my career year! Stupid !$%^#%^&*(! He was never that good anyway!"

The first baseman had angrily denied taking any performance enhancers before Congress in March, and in a statement filed this morning, said that the competitor's product must have been in his bloodstream accidentally. "My secretary gave it to me, you know?"

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