It’s David vs. another, slightly larger David… not exactly worthy of the Biblical buildup we’re getting here. Twelve seconds into a two-hour show and already my eyes hurt. Let’s get on with it.
Here are your top twelve, singing “Get Ready, Here I Come” (to a venue near you). Heh, David Archuleta looks so detached. “Just give me my million dollars already.” Mostly good. However, The Love Guru looks lousy. Jeepers, that was unfunny. When did Mike Myers turn into a flea-market version of Robin Williams? This is terrible. He can’t need the money that badly, can he? At least he had the grace to cut it short and get the hell out once he realized he was bombing.
Syesha teams with Seal for a very good “Waiting on You.” I wish she’d made the final. Then Jason revisits “Hallelujah,” and does well – not quite the revelation he was his first go-round but still fine. I wish he’d made the final.
Hybrids for the Davids!
The top-6 girls are up next to mangle some Donna Summer – Carly and Brooke were easily the best of the six. (I wish they’d made the final.) Well, strike that, say best of the five since Syesha didn’t take a solo. Biker Nurse was dreadful, the poor thing. She probably hasn’t sang seriously since getting the vote-down and now she’s out here with all these practiced singers, getting eaten alive.
Now, I’m going to let you in on a secret: it just so happens that Donna Summer her ownself has a single out, called “Stamp Your Feet.” I know this because earlier tonight I was watching ESPN and they waylaid me with a WNBA promo that used Donna’s new single. I bet she’s going to come out and sing with the contestants! See, I’m C-A-T smart. Sadly, the performance is not all that. Donna’s face looks a little over-finished – not quite Joan Rivers territory but a little scary – and she is way off key on “Last Dance.” She seems even to be having trouble holding notes. How can this be the same woman who out-diva’d the mighty Streisand on “Enough is Enough”? Is she OK? Syesha is taking her solo now, and outsinging her. Did you ever think that Donna Summer could be OUTSUNG by an American Idol? My childhood just died a little.
Carly Smithson and Mike Johns (IWTMTF) rock “The Letter,” using the Joe Cocker model. Well done.
Even Ryan is joking that they’ll get to the results eventually. Poor guy is still a little dazed from his ride on the Guru’s mobile cushion – the funniest part of the segment, and boy is THAT bad news for Myers’ vehicle. Instead they bring on Jimmy Kimmel, who is loads funnier than Myers, even though he is as stiff as always. “I valet-parked. How much do I tip Sanjaya?” Heheheh. (Oops, he’s actually in the audience. Funny aside – I saw Sanjaya on one of those “It’s 10:00 – do you know where your children are?” spots on the local channel the other night. It was rather odd.)
The top-6 boys are next, out to sing some Bryan Adams. (I guess he’s got an album too.) “Summer of ‘69” wasn’t bad until Trent Dimas sucked on his verse – it got much better when Chikieze (Like Sunday Morning) kicked in. The Davids come out to sing a little smidge of “Heaven” before turning the stage over to Bryan himself for a couple of forgettable tunes, which I have forgotten already.
Thankfully it’s David Cook’s turn for a solo number – he plays and sings “Sharp Dressed Man” with ZZ Top. They don’t do the guitar spin, which would have been really awesome to pull off, but still trés bién. (I would have done “Cheap Sunglasses,” but I’m old and boring.)
Raise your hand if you hate the remote segments. I have both hands up and am typing with my toes. These are tremendously bad and the hosts are atrocious.
Brooke White and Graham Nash are next, singing “Teach Your Children.” I’m eh on this. I like the song but this performance is quite flat. Of course they can’t help not having Jerry Garcia around on the steel guitar, but they themselves seem disinterested. I’m sorry, but if you guys aren’t going to try to sell the song, why should I buy? Pass. The Jonas Brothers show many times more life and energy. I don’t know the song at all, but that was much more fun. All the tweeners just forgot the Crown Prince’s name, face, voice….
Yay! The montage of misery! Who are they going to show with so many possibilities? Milo was already on last night. They don’t show the “American Idol’s Biggest Fan” dude – probably for the best, they tend to kick these guys when they’re down. There’s Tracey’s pal – “Let mah pipplllll goooooo!” There’s the “Take It!” chickie who’s going to go for actressing. Hey, the Asian Liberace! I love this guy. Awesome, he’s coming out on stage! This guy both cracks me up and makes me smile, if that makes sense. Of course, having the USC marching band and everyone come out makes what was a genuinely touching moment a little corny, a little less heartfelt. It’s like they’re making fun of his earnestness. But I don’t care. Renaldo Lapuz – bless him. (IWHMTF.) (On second thought – he just did, didn’t he? Beautiful.)
One Republic. Never heard of them. Back Door Slam was on the radio the other day, though, and that’s sweet. (I told you so.) Ladybug wants to fast-forward, and it’s a good call – as we start scooting forward we see the Crown Prince pop out, apparently this is his solo. You know, the thing of it is that he is a good singer, he sounds just fine, but alas, something about the kid just riles one, don’t it? I actually feel bad for him a little because I’m so mean. This is really getting involved and I may need to seek help after this post goes up.
They bring out Jordin Sparks. Now remember, the last two “pick a group” contestants – Taylor and Jordin – wound up winning, so Archie’s got the omens on his side. Moreover, I’m pulling for DC and that means BIG TROUBLE. I am the Ultimate Mush. I should get Kiss of Death tats – maybe K-I-S-S and D-E-T-H across my knuckles.
Gladys Knight and the Pips from 1972, sweet – except they’ve erased the pips and replaced them with Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. (Ladybug – “Where’s Chikieze?” BWAHAHAHAHA!) OK, now I’m bored. Is there a “mute” for the picture instead of the sound? And is it my imagination or is Robert Downey Jr. the funniest out of the three? Oh well, it was a vintage Gladys Knight performance anyway.
Next, Carrie Underwood. She don’t even know his last name. She also don’t know where her pants is. Yipes, that was nearly the end of family night right there. The poor kids in the front are getting more show than they bargained for. What was she thinking? Typical “I gone done wrong” twanger rock, and mostly forgettable. Like some ghastly honky-tonk in the back-wuds, with chick-un wi-uh across the stage. Sowry!
Will this ever end? Is one of these guys going to actually win this week?
The top 12 does another medley, this time of George Michael, whom I must conclude has an album due out. The girls sing “Faith.” Golly, Amanda is just horrible. It’s like she forgot even how to pretend to sing – like she knows before she starts that she’s doomed, and has just given up on trying. The boys do “Father Figure.” Trent Dimas gets the “warm and naked” line and predictably butchers it. Otherwise decent. They all do a little bit of “Freedom” (gee, that’s a lot of F’s) and then the man himself comes out, dressed like Neo and wearing Bono’s sunglasses. It looks goofy, but the man can still flat-out bring it when he wishes. It’s a new song – a Message Song, which somehow doesn’t surprise me – but it’s much better than the standard of the genre. He did very well but I’m beginning to tune out, it’s just going on too long. Help.
OK – it’s results time. I guess the winner will do the Craptacular Single Contest winner. Hurry, we’re running out of DVR here. Simon goes back to last night – he says he went home and re-watched it and it was not nearly as clear-cut as he said on the night – he apologizes to DC. That’s cool. That’s why I dig Simon. We really should have invited him to the wedding, just for kicks. (“That whole sequence on the third dance was uh-tuhly forgettable. You’ll have to do much better to make it to the bouquet toss.”)
Here’s the envelope. “Ladies and gentlemen…” AND THE DVR CUTS OFF.
Friends, at this point, I just want to point out that my wife is MADE OF AWESOME and also recorded the news so we can pick up where we left off. You can’t has, is all mine. Sowry.
OK, so there’s cheering and hugging and I still know nothing – it didn’t pick up cleanly. The missing 14 seconds are the important part. Somebody start singing, please. YES! It’s DC! He stands alone. Take that, middle school America! Holy cow, I didn’t mush him. Hopefully I haven’t killed the album sales.
Sweet, now I can watch season eight. The “song” is called “Time of My Life,” and it seems like the result of an explosion in a cliché factory. All these first singles are “look at me, I won a contest” songs, and it’s blecch. Come on, we want to take this guy seriously and you’re making him perform this turd sundae? I can always gouge out this part of the CD. Great moments with his brother and mom, though, and that’s what I’ll remember. That and the big-brother shoulder hug he just gave David Archuleta. That was a nice touch. All is forgiven, Crown Prince. May you be ever earnest, and may you never be short of gum.