Monday, September 17, 2007

I can't drive fifty-five

I've seen the questions here, there, and everywhere... and man, that's a lot of questions.

I'll have to get back to you on this.

UPDATE - ok, I'm back.

1. Is your second toe longer than your first? No. It would undermine the whole concept of "big toe."
2. Do you have a favorite type of pen? A couple. I like the Pilot G-2 gel pens, and a rare find, something I could only find at the local crafts store: Marvy! Micropoint, writes at any angle (which is nice, because I tend to scrunch up with a notebook), cheap to buy, and they last a long time. (I have one that's at least twelve years old that still hasn't dried out.) BONUS - my favorite pencil, sadly no longer made, is the Electro Test Scorer No. 240. I have a whole unopened package of the things because I am indeed a great nerd.
3. Look at your planner for March 14, what are you doing? Currently, looking at my planner for March 14.
4. What color are your toenails usually? Plain.
5. What was the last thing you highlighted? At work, we color-code any backordered items.

6. What color are your bedroom curtains? They are a lovely pale green, and poofy. On an entirely unrelated note, I got married last month.
7. What color are the seats in your car? To quote the head of the Central Bureaucracy: "I co-chaired the committee that reviewed the recommendation to revise the color of the upholstery of that car's seats. We kept them gray."
8. Have you ever had a black and white cat? Sort of. He was the house cat when I was a boarder, way back in the day. He was basically a breathing bean-bag, very mellow. You could scoop him up and put him just about anywhere and he'd just look around and go back to sleep. (I swear I saw him shrug once.)
9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on? An envelope.
10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming? I know that Dick Cheney lives there, but I don't know Dick Cheney. That would have to be "No."

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time? Well, I tried to withdraw gravy, but it didn't go so well.
12. Whose is the last baby that you held? Close friends of ours.
13. Unlucky #? Not that I can think of.
14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste? Huh, never tried. It sounds wonky, though.
15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago? The Discount Chariot endureth.

16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators? Gators, because of the Keith Jackson Gatorade commercial. Keith Jackson makes everything cooler. Whoa, Nellie!
17. Last time you went to Six Flags? Two years, at least.
18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house? None. The closest thing is some contact paper on the closet shelves.
19. Closest thing to you that is yellow? My desk is of blond wood. Also, I'm wearing a yellow-checked shirt.
20. Last person to give you a business card? The DJ for the wedding reception.

21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to? I don't remember, once I send them I try not to think about it. Invariably I picture top-hatted plutocrats lighting cigars with my check and cackling over port and caviar.
22. Closest framed picture to you? Dad.
23. Last time you had someone cook for you? My wife cooked this evening, actually.
24. Have you ever applied for welfare? No.
25. How many emails do you have? Too many. But cutting down would be even more of a hassle. The dormant ones act as sump pumps for spam, and I don't want that stuff flooding the living areas, so to speak.

26. Last time you received flowers? I suppose the wedding would count, since I got a boutiniere.
27. Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man and woman? Besides men and women, who's left?
28. Do you play air guitar? Yeah, I do. And air drums. And air keyboards. Even air bass. I'm like the air Paul McCartney.
29. Has anyone ever proposed to you? No - although it would be uncommon since I'm a guy, I've heard of the lady proposing, like Rose to Mr. Morton. (And they're happy, and the cat is too!) A fair number of women would say stuff like, "Oh, you're so sweet, someone is going to be lucky to have you!" (But lest you think I'm bragging, these were usually the women who would secretly be adding, "But not me, thank God." Ah, the joys of youth.)
30. Do you take anything in your coffee? One cream, one sugar. I like the raw sugar if I can get it, and I have a stash at work so I don't have to trust to luck when I need it.

31. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines? Who to the what now?
32. What is/was your high school's rival mascot? I don't know that they had mascots. Three high schools in town and I never saw a single kid dressed up as the embodiment of all things High School. Then again, I was on the chess team. Push that pawn! Seize that file!
33. Last person you spoke to from high school? Whew, good question. It's been a dog's age. After Dad died and everyone moved, I had no more ties to the old town.
34. Last time you used hand sanitizer? Uhhh.... What? (This is the weirdest questionnaire.)
35. Would you like to learn to play the drums? Questions about my checks, my hobbies, my curtains...

36. What color are the blinds in your living room? Jeepers! What, are you peeking in them?
37... Holy cats, I think I scared them off! I've been everywhere that has this quiz - and there IS NO QUESTION 37. What a twist!
38. Last thing you read in the newspaper? All about how bad the Mets, Giants, and Jets suck. Seriously, I'm about to burn my Mets batting practice jersey. They've spent four solid months trying to finish third. I can't wait until hockey season, so I can read about how bad the Islanders suck. At least it means they've made the paper. (I will now floss with a high-voltage wire.)
39. What was the last pageant you attended? The next one will be the first, and hopefully the last.
40. What is the last place you bought pizza from? Cafe Amici.

41. Have you ever worn a crown? Last time was when I was the Great Dalmuti.
42. What is the last thing you stapled? Work-related.
43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi? The very question makes the bile rise in my gorge.
44. Are you ticklish? Not since childhood.
45. Last time you saw fireworks? Just the other night. The PC Scrabble game I own shoots off fireworks when you bingo. It was the PC that did it, though - "issuance." Good word, dammit.

46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut? Penn Station. I forget now why we had gone to the city.
47. Who is the last person that left you a message and you actually returned it? I always return messages from real people. Who knows who the last one was?
48. Last time you parked under a carport? Last time I ate a burrito, last time I heard Barry Manilow in the supermarket, last time I said "chartruse" in a conversation... This is beginning to actually hurt me.
49. Do you have a black dog? I live in an apartment. No dogs allowed (or birds).
50 . Have you had your mid life crisis yet? This questionnaire just kicked it off. Why am I doing this? Why am I doing anything?

51. Are you an aunt or uncle? Not yet.
52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of? My wife. (Are they trying to get me killed?)
53. What kind of soap or body wash do you use? The cleaning kind of soap. How the flip do I know? Do they want me to check?
54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe? Cotton-Eyed Joe's stupider cousin? I'm better off not knowing.
55. Do you have a little black dress? No. My wife has black dresses. I know without testing it that they look better on her.

Tune in tomorrow, as I submit a stool sample and retinal scan for the next 55 questions.

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