One thing that's slowing me down started here. It is a moving and well-done post from Nina, and it called up a lot in my own heart. I was going to link it two weeks ago, but decided that this was the sort of thing that deserved a little privacy. Now yes - I know, it's on a public blog and everything - but still, a public blog written anonymously by someone who has become a friend, and it felt wrong trumpeting the post from the rooftops.
So, why post it now and bring it all up? (Jerk.) First, to illustrate my difficulty; second, to quote something that took me quite off guard when I read it:
Here is the part of the post where Nightfly gasps audibly and says, 'Oh, Nina, no... you did not say that.' Sorry, 'fly. I cannot pretend to have responded well to all this material for spiritual growth.
Hm, thought I. That is quite a compliment. I was surprised and touched that a cyber-friend of short acquaintance would think so well of me - and know how to gibe me a little at the same time. I should comment and thank Nina, thought I.
Now, this is where things get kind of stupid. (By things, I mean ME.)
Immediately I thought of an objection. So it's all about you, right? She's pouring out her heart about her father and that's all you can say?
Well, no. Gosh, that would be terrible. But I can understand how she feels. I should be more supportive of her post.
Oh, well that's even better! Go right ahead and pontificate about someone else's personal life.
NO! That's not what I meant!
Sure. Like anyone will know that.
Aaaargh! All right, just an email then.
That's not a bad idea.
OK, I'll get right on it.
Yes, I think Nina will really appreciate the personal intrusion.
Righ - uh. What?
Just barge in! Really, it's fine.
Well, everyone knows by now what happened. I didn't comment, didn't write, didn't link, just prayed and let it go. Or at least, I let it go - but The Internal Scold decided that causing the problem wasn't enough; it had to get bigger and bigger.
You still ignoring Nina?
Oh, are you kidding me?
So you don't have an answer!
This is so middle school...
Yeah, you'd think you'd be more mature by now.
In the end, I was kicking myself. (Told you this got really stupid.) (By this, I mean ME.) Truth is, one of my worst habits is drawing abstract morals from particular problems. Then I start writing, and after I'm done and all stupidly proud of myself, one of two things happens.
1. I realize that I've been preaching at a real person with a real problem, who is now hurt.
2. I realize that I'm the real person and I just convicted myself in the dock with my alleged brilliance. (And I spelled something wrong.)
Well, I'm not going to do that this time! Ha!
Aren't you forgetting something?
Probably. Wish it was you.
Heh. No - in the post. She mentioned you specifically.
Well, DUH. That's how you got loose.
It was very kind of her.
Of course it was!
And now you're ignoring her.
No, seriously. She's going to think that you really WERE offended.
GAH. (Jerk.) So - two weeks later, long after all the intelligent and sensible people have moved on, wondering what in hell I'm going on about, I'm working on something. Hope to have it done soon, but this weekend is similarly busy.