Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Breaking news

Manhattan (AP) - nearly four weeks after resigning amid prostitution and money laundering scandals, former New York governor Eliot Spitzer has emerged from seclusion to announce a new candidacy: the pulpit.

"I have decided that the best remedy to my disgrace is to apply for as much grace as I can possibly get," Spitzer said during his surprising announcement at a hastily-called press conference. "I will be joining the General Theological Seminary in hopes to become an Episcopalian clergyman."

Flanked by his wife and Anglican bishop Rowan Williams, Spitzer looked calm, and refused to take any questions from reporters. Bishop Williams, however, was happy to step into the breach.

"I don't find it inappropriate at all," said Williams when asked if Spitzer's conduct was a disqualification. "1 Timothy 3 is an ambiguous passage when filtered through today's ethos. Or you could filter it through my beard. Either way, I mean, really. You'd disqualify everyone if you disqualify a guy like Eliot Spitzer. It's not like he did anything anti-choice while in office."

"In fact," he continued, "you could argue that he helped empower young women. I think it's a noble use of taxpayer funds."

"They're not your taxes," someone called out, leading to quietly smug, dismissive laughter.

"We look forward to Mr. Spitzer's contributions in ministry," said the sub-associate-vice-dean the seminary, Rev. Chumley Scott-Free FitzHughPatMcHenry. "He will really go after all of those sinners and give them what-for. I also anticipate that collections will rise dramatically during his tenure."

At this point, the conference came to a sharp close when Mrs. Spitzer set upon her husband like a timber wolf, forcing authorities to use stun guns to subdue her. "Don't taze her, brother!" cried Williams. "Like hell - taze her!" shouted Spitzer, holding his wife's jaws at bay with a mic stand.

Spitzer could still be heard muttering "jackass" at Williams as they were rushed to a waiting helicopter.

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