Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Plague of locusts cats

Yup, it’s confirmed – thanks to SCIENCE! (And a hat tip to the Ace of Spades.)

It's an older post, but I've been a little busy lately. (Explanations to follow.) I just loved the solution that Dr. Lord called for in the article: "Government has tended to not want to be involved with cats. And I don't know if they can avoid it anymore."

Of course! And if the gummint can't come through, we'll have to fall back on our guns and religion.

I happen to be a cat lover. (I mean, those cats in the picture with the article? Awwwwwwww.) As far as ferals are concerned, I support "catch-fix-release" programs. This way, they get to live out their natural life with no risk of breeding in the wild (or knocking up poor Fluffy). Seems fairest to all concerned. But I’m not such a big fan of letting a government attempt to manage this, especially if it works as well as the rest of their social programs. Behold, government Cat Population Control:

May 2008 – Dr. Lord publicly freaks out about feral cats overrunning our cities, like miniature Godzillas rumbling through Tokyo.

June 2008 – Obama clinches the Democratic nomination and promises “Change Kittehs Can Believe In.” (Hillary’s “A Cat in Every Pot” backfires among undecided voters.)

Jan 2009 – Congress’ first session of the new term results in a “Cat Population Commission” to study the problem, even though Dr. Lord has done so for years. She drops her objections in exchange for a six-figure, six-month position leading the Commission.

Sept 2009 – The CPC overruns its budget but says it still needs more time to weigh the competing options for feral cat control – catch-fix-release, abstinence-only programs, or giant slingshots into the ocean.

March 2010 – gangs of feral cats start hanging on street corners, intimidating neighborhoods, vandalizing public property, and selling catnip in schools. The CPC is doubled in size and tripled in budget.

August 2010 – ferals are caught trying to smuggle dozens of undocumented cats across the border. The CPC becomes the federal Department of Cat Immigration and Neuterization.

Sept 2010 – Moqtada al-Sadr issues a fatwa encouraging domestic cats to join their feral brothers in vexing America. “The blessed Prophet (peace be upon him) was a great cat lover and you can repay his kindness by eating all of the infidels’ tuna, fighting and mating outside of their windows at 2 am, and putting all female cats in large shapeless bags so that you shall not be tempted by their sleek coats, almond eyes, and come-hither purring.” The Department of CIN concurs; the bags make it easy to toss the cats in the river should they be found with kitten by a domestic tom.

November 2010 – the Republicans crush the incumbent Democrats in the midterm elections, calling for tighter controls on feral cats.

Jan 2011 – new majority party proposes sweeping reforms; Democrats stall by saying their own programs need more time and that Republicans just hate cats.

May 2011 – feral populations are in sudden, shocking decline. Both sides claim success. Neither side notices that private organizations got fed the hell up and decided on their own to catch-fix-release – and occasionally employ the giant slingshot.

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