Saturday, October 27, 2007

It's official

I am completely done with this sinus bugaboo. Finis. That's it. I've been pummelled into a smear. I can't breathe for more than an hour in any one position, so I can't sleep. My ears are clogged like I've been swimming since Tuesday. I sound like a Golden Girl. And since I caught this thing while ALREADY on antibiotics, there's nothing the doctor can do for me, except to recommend Sudafed - and thanks to the blessed meth heads, I can't get my hands on enough of that to keep things going.

See, Ladybug had this wretched thing too. I gave it to her last week, and she gave it back over the weekend. October has felt like a time-lapsed picture of highway traffic.

This is what it comes to: my wife came home yesterday from work with a goofy device that's designed to irrigate the nasal passages. It looks like... well, YOU tell ME what this ruddy thing looks like.

Don't stare too long.  It's horrifying.

Yeah, youbetcha.

Simple thingumbob, really - take some warm water, mix in one of the included medicine packets (it came with 50 of the things), and stick the business end of the teapot into one nostril. Bend forward, tilt to one side, and pour the solution up one's nose until it starts to drizzle out of the other nostril. (Really.) It's like a demented magic trick. You could go into a subway station and panhandle from strangers with this. You could be on Criss Angel's crappy show, except they would have to blur the spout for prime time audiences.

The secret is in the words 'sniff in any residual solution.'

Then one repeats the process with the other nostril. I guarantee you, you will NOT be as happy as ol' Janeane Garofalo looks. It's the funkiest feeling ever. But here's the catch - it works. (Nasal Enemas, Jerry - wave of the future!) I actually blew my nose and got results for the first time in a week. I stopped hocking up Play-Doh. My food tastes more food-like. As weird as the thing looks (especially in operation), I'm glad Ladybug bought it.

Let's hear it for the... umm... The Sneezinator? Mr. Happy's Teapot? Forget it, I'm stopping while I still have readers.

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