Monday, May 12, 2008

The craze that’s sweeping the Internet

Get this, folks – a fun game you play at home, on your interactive computing device! One person posts a bunch of questions and then other people copy their own answers onto their personal Internet pages!

Yeah, I’m already snarking it and you haven’t seen a single question yet. Well, maybe you have, since the meme is all over the place – Tracey, Sheila, Kate, Cullen, Maggie, land o’ Goshen but it’s everywhere. Like those new fast-twitch zombies from the modern movies. (And as an aside, how annoying is that? It seems plain to me that death is rather a handicap to getting stuff done, but no – lately in horror movies dying is just a prerequisite to being awesomely powered. In the old days, you had to spend $6 million to get a skill set like that.) There isn't even enough time to read all of this.

Am I supposed to be answering questions?

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? I have a scar from my appendectomy, a permanently-crooked pinky finger (not technically a scar), and best of all, a scar on my knee – I cut it open helping to dispose of a broken toilet bowl.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? Paint, a mirror, a cross over the bed, and a big picture of a lavender field. (PS, I’m married.)

3. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? 4:10 pm. It was a Tuesday.

4. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Superpowers, without having to die first. Or maybe time to finish the Mother of Unfinishable Stories.

5. WHAT DO YOU MISS? The list is vast – my cat, most thrown baseballs, soft pretzels from the counter at TSS, good Islanders teams…

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION? Good question. I own a number of things I’d miss greatly, but the real answer is, I own far more things that I wouldn’t even notice were gone, except that there would be more room in the house.

7. HOW TALL ARE YOU? A smidgeon under six feet.

8. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DAY? There was the one time the zombies tried to overrun the office. They were the slow kind, though, and easily shootable.

9. WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR? A lot of the really bad stuff can be fought through, even stuff like going blind. So the worst would be stuff that I couldn’t ever remedy, such as if lost my marbles while having a healthy body – forcing my family to care of what was left, that wasn’t really me anymore. And topping the list would be getting to judgment and finding out that I was really a total selfish bastard at heart, who didn’t bother trying. I suspect that I don’t try nearly as hard as I ought to on that last one.

10. WHAT KIND OF HAIR COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Shrug. I’d rather they had brains inside than a particular hair color outside.

11. WHAT ABOUT EYE COLOR? My wife’s.

12. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? Coffee. Since coffee during games is impractical, I go with Vitamin Water then.

13. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? Sausage, black olives.


15. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME? I like blues and greens.

16. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH? It’s been many years since my one and only Filet o’ Fish; put me down for “maybe.”




20. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU WANT? Wrote a post about this already.

To be more realistic, there are two answers: first, a car I already have owned that I would have loved to been able to keep and restore, a 1980 Honda Prelude; and second, a genuine right-drive 1960’s British taxicab parked in the driveway at one of the buildings I used to live in, that I would have loved to buy and restore. I’m not necessarily a car enthusiast, but I love older stuff to fix and show for the neat-o factor. These just happen to be car examples of that larger mania.

21. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? Everybody leaves eventually, including me. How could I selfishly demand others to love me without giving love? What a stupid question.

22. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA? Once. I’d love to go back.

23. YOUR WEAKNESSES? Plural? Do you have a few weeks? OK, here’s the big one up front – I get easily engrossed in what I’m doing to the exclusion of other things. This is not necessarily bad, but I also lack the discretion as to the proper time for such focus, which is dreadful. As a result I throw off plans by losing track of time, or say horrid things without noticing that I’m offending or horrifying everyone else.

24. MET ANYONE FAMOUS? Yes, though she wasn’t at the time.

25. FIRST JOB? Ocean County Library, main branch… I worked in the AV department, mostly shelving and checking out our collection of vinyl LPs and Beta videotapes. (They had some cassettes, too.)

26. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? No, but I’ve been in on a few practical jokes.

27. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOUL MATE? I’m not sure I dig the concept. It tends to lead to a lot of mooning about for the fairytale ending instead of going out and living one's life, and meeting someone great that way.

28. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT? Noticing it everywhere I looked. I fully expect to see 56 Questions bumper stickers on the way home tonight.


30. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? It’s probably for the best that I don’t keep track of that sort of thing; it would either be too egotistical, or too depressing.

31. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? Eh, I’ve already got too much stuff.

32. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? OK, this is way personal. Even at Pre-Cana, they wanted us to discuss it amongst ourselves but NOT share the answer.


34. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST TURN OFF WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX? Please don’t be an immodest floozy. Oh, and please don’t smoke either.

35. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU MISS ABOUT GRADE SCHOOL? Recess. I wish we got recess at work, with a swingset and jungle gym and those rubber dodge balls. Why wouldn't this work?

36. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE? These memes are beginning to overlap. I know I told the Internet this just last week.

37. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I do, but I also confess that it’s henscratch if I am in a hurry.

38. ANY BAD HABITS? Occasionally rude to impertinent memes. :::flips bird:::

39. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON? Not really, but I am a grammatical person, and this brings up a big one for me. Jealousy and envy are NOT the same thing! NOT! Jealousy means that you fear someone will take something from you, and envy means that you desire to take something from someone else. They may each lead to a third thing – that you rather nobody had it than the other person – but it’s all in who had said thing first.

40. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Not sure. I’d probably forget to keep in touch with myself, and of course myself wouldn’t notice. You can see the difficulty.

41. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS? Hells no. I mean, “We can still be friends” is a dubious concept already, right? So how is it even possible to give “benefits” and maintain the friendship? It's a colossal exercise in fooling yourself. Dumbassery is still dumb no matter how many new, clever phrases you describe it with.

42. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Poorly. Hoping to do better sometime.

43. WHAT’S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE? Heaven. If I don’t get there then I can consider my life to have been wasted on me, even if it wasn’t wasted on anyone else.

44. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Legos. They still are my favorite, actually. I also had a lot of GI Joes and Star Wars dudes (the old-school Kenner guys), but they usually wound up playing football.

45. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? Ten of them - 0-9 - just like everyone else’s. (Unless you have a hexadecimal phone, which would be awesome.)

46. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID? Barney was a little kid?

47. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE? Mashed with spicy gravy, like at Popeye’s – though they do all right with the mac and cheese too.


49. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM? Not unless Ladybug lets me use the laptop.

50. PLANS FOR TONIGHT? Sorry, meme… you’re nice and all, but I don’t think it would ever work out between us. We can still be friends!

51. WHAT’S THE FASTEST YOU’VE EVER GONE IN A CAR? Not quite fast enough to fire up the flux capacitor.

52. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? Actually, the radio isn’t on right now, so I’m only listening to my own angst.


54. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT? Little use for either of them right now – this is like asking “Punch in the face or kick in the groin?” Plus, I live in New Jersey, so I may as well light my ballot on fire and toast marshmallows; it’s the most possible good I can get out of it.

55. DO YOU HAVE A LOW SELF ESTEEM OR A HIGH SELF ESTEEM? Whoa, they really want more Ranty Nightfly, the Internet Crank Nobody Reads. Well, then. Self-esteem is usually a lame, flavorless substitute for actual self-worth, based on the inherent dignity of a person as a work of God, however damaged by the Fall of Man. Self-worth means that we have an obligation to live up to the dignity given us as a gift, and that we are capable of overcoming our problems and making a positive contribution to those around us, in gratitude; self-esteem means whiny little snots who expect that everyone else will bow to their every whim, because otherwise it’s mean and not fair *snif* and why can’t anyone else see how great I am *blub* right now?

You want healthy people, you go with self-worth every time.

56. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Breezing through a couple of the Bond books right now.

And that’s it. One question short of a full Heinz – which makes me wonder if this is somehow a defective meme that fled into the Web prematurely.

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